My Journey To An Evolutionary Love Relationship – Part 1

My Journey To An Evolutionary Love Relationship – Part 1

by Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Lately I have been hearing a lot of feedback about how much you are enjoying the transparency of my articles.

I have heard from many people that sharing my own experiences has been very helpful to the community.

So this week as Zac and I were thinking of a topic for this week’s article he suggested “Why don’t you tell them about your recent dating experiences!”

Opening up more and being transparent is something I have been dedicated to doing for some time now - BUT I have to admit I was a little hesitant about sharing about dating.

I squirmed at his suggestion…

Then he gave me that look…

The look meant “Mum you STAND for being transparent and authentic – now do it”.

My son and I are blessed to have such an open and honest relationship.

So I immediately ‘got’ his look. I knew he was right, felt in to his suggestion, and a big rush of inspiration came.

In fact so much so that I am thrilled to share my present dating information with you.

The Destination

Since my separation from the last (and final) narcissist in my life over a year ago – I was barely dating.

The reason was because my greatest commitment was to myself.

I knew the recovery process intimately, because I had already been through it once before, and I am on the forefront of being fortunate enough to be able to help thousands of other people world-wide recover from narcissistic abuse.

I knew that in order to heal, I had to release all of the painful trapped emotions that I had accumulated during that relationship. The emotions which create depression, the obsession, the feelings of being psychically connected, and as we all know the list of pain with the deception and cruelty of narcissistic abuse goes on and on.

I knew that it would be fruitless to try to source and create a new relationship through a wounded inner centre, and that victimised emotions only create more victimisation. I knew I needed to work hard to be free of all of that.

Additionally I did a profoundly deep inner self-inventory regarding ‘why’ I had attracted narcissistic abuse again, and worked very hard at locating the corresponding false beliefs, previous unfinished business and the transforming of these core and crucial belief systems to much healthier ones.

These necessary transformations made so much sense, and I was thrilled to be able to share the findings with this Community.

It was all meant to be.

I also implemented great self-care – meditation, yoga, brilliant supplements, super foods, regular exercise and wonderful life-style choices.

Speaking of lifestyle choices, I marvel at how much my life has changed for the better. 

I am writing this article from a beautiful beach side café, answering emails regarding meetings in LA (something I never once would have been doing!) and eating a delicious lunch after having a swim in the ocean.

After I finish this rough draft, I’ll be back in for another dip!

I never used to work like this, and I never used to grant myself so much pleasure with the things I used to only dream of doing.

Okay, back to my ‘healing past’…

Because of all my efforting determinedly to heal myself piece by piece, the darkness dissolved and then happiness, inspiration and loving thoughts started to come in.

After several months I began to feel the most whole, energised, confident and healthy I had felt in my entire life – which truly is what thriving after narcissistic abuse is all about.

It is the emancipation of our limiting beliefs and painful emotions in order to rise to a personal level we had never reached previously.

Connecting to Life

A great deal of my progress came as a result of my new understandings of connecting to Life, and developing orientations I had never lived until after the second narcissistic abuse experience.

Everything within my study, learning, reading and healings was taking me towards relatedness and being able to dissolve ‘separation’ within myself and with others and Life.

This meant ‘connection’ – developing it deeply within myself, and then showing up in the field of Life as ‘love’ and ‘extension of myself’ whenever possible.

Not from any position of agenda, but simply in order to genuinely connect.

The more and more I shifted faulty belief systems out of my Inner Self, the more I realised that Life co-creates with us through the ‘field of connection to Life.’

I understood in order to create ANY great relationship that separation and fear had to go. However, (and I know you can relate) it is very hard to connect to Life when not feeling safe.

This meant I needed to firmly confront my fears of relating – my fears of being taken over, engulfed, deceived, mislead and abused. This meant learning personal authenticity – the ability to no longer ever self-abandon.

I knew I had horrifically self-abandoned in my past.

So I did many, many, many Quanta Freedom Healing sessions on myself in relation to this – to be able to reach the level where if I felt unsure of something, that I had the ability to be deeply anchored within my body, confront, ask questions and clarify – trusting myself that I would never distrust my gut or myself again.

And knowing I am NOT infallible – maybe my gut is confused, but I can still hold my connection to myself, stay calm and ask for clarification lovingly and respectfully – until clarity is available.

Authenticity also meant speaking up healthily for what I needed, rather than trying in maladapted ways to get needs met – such as just go along with other people – thinking that they would then love and respect me, or be indirect or bottle up – therefore creating separation and resentment instead of connection.

I DEEPLY realised that connection, trust and love is created via emotional honesty (authenticity) and I was determined to practice it in every relationship in my life.

It created some rough spots – absolutely.

In fact one long term relationship completely ended as a result of it. However, I am happy to report that every relationship that I genuinely value has become more real, deep, loving and honest as a result of this dedication to authenticity.

I have also created many more incredible, valued friendships.

I knew I had to get authenticity RIGHT before even thinking about dating seriously, and I knew it was necessary before I could attract an ‘equal’ also orientated in his life at this level.

Being Alone First

No more was I going to be romantically involved with wounded individuals who weren’t connected to Life and others wholesomely.

(Yes it had been a mirror.)

I knew I had to become the relationship I wanted to experience.

Before becoming really solid and ready The Universe supported me by ‘giving me time’. There were barely any desired candidates, there were some great people, but just not great for me, and I remained choosy and was certainly not needy enough to ‘grab just anyone’.

My orientation was much more focused on healing and uplevelling myself – and I was also working on having healthy and wonderful male friendships.

I loved this bit of information that I heard…

Nelson Mandella was once asked how he survived when he was imprisoned all those years, including gruelling solitary confinement. He said “I wasn’t surviving, I was preparing. Because I knew if I ever got out that I would lead the country – and I needed to be ready for that. So I did everything I could to prepare myself.”

Whoa!!!

He DIDN’T wallow; he didn’t feel sorry for himself.

He just kept improving himself whilst biding his time.

How much more inspiration do we need?

Likewise my hiatus period was – the preparation to become the woman I needed to be in order to generate and receive a spectacular love relationship.

Getting Clear

The fact of the matter is:  a love relationship is one of my cherished desires. It is the issue in my life that has been the most challenged, and it has hurt, thwarted and disappointed me more than anything else I have struggled with.

I know that a loving, beautiful love relationship for many of you is a deep desire also. That is why I SO hope my examples and trajectory can help you!

I realised this time I needed to have a very clear relationship orientation, and this meant getting really clear about Who I Was and 

WHAT was REALLY important to me.

Last week’s article describes where I used to be trying to source love from – from my inner wounded parts  – the insecurities, fears and beliefs that I couldn’t co-create with Source / Life / God my own life.

The ‘old me’ believed ‘a man’ was needed in order to ‘live’. I was trying to replace the creative power of my Infinite Self (connection to Source / Life / God) with another human being.

Human personalities are not ‘God’, yet I tried to make out narcissistic men were ‘Gods’, and clung to them, despite the abuse – as if they were the ‘Source of All My Life’.

Naturally the men I was attracting were men who would simply grant me my biggest fears of not being able to generate my own survival or life – as a super serve – in order to correct this false and fearful generating of life.

I personally needed to take full responsibility for my part in being a woman ‘who couldn’t survive without a man’.

I desperately needed to heal that, because when I was not sourcing life, truth, love and power from my own connection to Source / God / Life, I was leaning on some very poor and even pathological substitutes.

We all need to understand this: It is impossible to create different results with the same beliefs, choices and behaviours.

In fact that’s been dubbed – the definition of insanity.

As such, I knew I needed a powerful new intention.

My Relationship Intention Statement

I used to think similar interests were compatible components in love, now I know just how powerful and important aligned values are.

So what are my values? What are the things which are really important to me?

My top answers are:

• Creating authentic, transparent and real connections (Evolutionary Relationships)
• Flourishing in order to become the highest version of myself possible
• Fully contributing to help humankind evolve as Source / Life / God would have me do

Therefore to be true to myself, my life and my individual calling it is imperative that my love partner is compatible to this TRUTH of my real life and soul orientation.

After much re-working I came up with my relationship intention statement:

“Divine Spirit please open my heart to accept and receive my beloved, the most divine selection available, as the man with who I co-create divine and authentic love, true mutual flourishing and evolutionary healing with the world.”

I set the goal for this manifestation, and cleared all resistance with the use of the QFH Goal Setting Process (the same process as the Goal Setting Healing Module in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program).

I anchored into the goal joyfully and deeply. I could feel it through every cell in my body as real.

I also got VERY CLEAR where I had gone REALLY wrong in my choices of men before, such as:

• Saying “Yes” to people I was not really emotionally connected to
• Proceeding even when something inside me felt ‘wrong’ about it
• Settling for ‘less’ because I was frightened I would not find ‘anyone better’ to ‘look after me’.

I released all the limiting beliefs and fears around these previous patterns and pledged deep, deep inside of myself that this time I WOULD NOT make the same mistakes, and I would wait for the man who did match my intentions, who I DID feel truly compatible with – and who I DID find incredibly magnetic, real and ATTRACTED to.

The narc’s previous personas were a turn off for me – the truth was I had previously been ‘attracted’ to narcs as a result of my survival fears mostly. (I actually found the narc ‘look at me’ behaviour, pretences, arrogance, and trying to win approval as ‘icky’ and ‘insecure’.)

After getting clear, setting my intentions and becoming a vibrational match, things started to happen very quickly as Source / God / Life started co-creating this intention with me.

I immediately saw a dating video (random and unrelated to what I was looking up) regarding internet dating and red dresses. I had an immediate inner woosh of “Do it!” Within two days my new photos were done and posted on the dating site.

Then I had the inspiration to re-write my internet dating profile.

My profile became a clear love letter to the Universe.

I stated I was not seeking  ‘any partner’, or a relationship for security, comfort or to confirm each other’s identity (previous patterns), and that I stood for an evolutionary relationship –  authentic connection, supporting each other’s thriving and  co-creations in the world.

I checked in with some male friends in my age bracket, and they said “The photos are great, but you’re going to scare men off. Men need you to need them, that’s too intimidating”.

I shrugged my shoulders – “We’ll see…” I said

The reason I said “We’ll see…”, is because I know this:

Whatever we are deeply authentic about and deeply stand for is the Point of Attraction we manifest into our life.

The New Relationship Model

I believe love relationships are EVOLVING out of old gender roles and towards spiritual partnership of deep relatedness and connection.

‘Survival’ is NOT the orientation now.

I believe the ‘male provider’ is on the way out, and I also believe women’s fearful dependencies ‘I need a man to survive’ has been a painful contributor to relationship violence as well as relationship manipulation from both genders.

Many great men have been wonderful providers, and many great women have been provided for, but now there are men reliant on ‘the provider’ identification to source significance (and sometimes assert control), and for ever throughout history many women have not become their truest and highest self, because they are fearfully dependent, unwilling to ‘rise’, or controlled.

(Obviously these traditional gender roles can cross-gender, and also play out in same sex relationships.)

Necessary human evolution requires coming together on a more related, more equal and much healthier playing field.

Love, respect and power are no longer commodities to be fought over. These energies are now to be self-generated and then shared.

We are all evolving towards shared roles and responsibilities, greater personal empowerment and capacities for both men and women (true shared and encouraged flourishing), much deeper emotional and spiritual connection, and healthier bonding and respect for each other.

No longer is a ‘successful’ relationship based on material survival.

Successful relationships are now ones of authentic emotional and spiritual relatedness (true connection), and where each person stands in and for the other person to be the highest potential of their gifts and talents possible to share with the world.

Why is this important for relationships now?

Because Life is now calling all of us to express our True Selves, and none of us are happy unless we do.

So, what is our ‘True Self purpose’?

It is anything we ‘do’ within the ‘beingness’ of shining love and authenticity. Our purpose is where we connect to others and contribute to Life with love. Our purpose is being the full expression of Who We Really Are, and what really lights us up – whether it is selling cakes or running a multi-national company.

If we are not happy and fulfilling our True Self purpose then how do we share ‘fulfilment’ ‘joy’ and ‘love’ with another?

The truth is – we can’t.

The issue for our generation is – we have never had this new relationship paradigm modelled for us. Our parents weren’t living it… at least not many of them.

We are the first generation caught up in this changeover in the history of mankind – and that is huge, because we are right on the leading-edge of an incredible evolution shift.

Never before have there been so many single people on the planet, and never before has there been such a high rate of divorce and separations. The ‘old system’ is decaying, dying, falling apart at the seams and quite frankly exploding everywhere we look – because it is meant to.

Our parents were in the old system, and as they leave the planet so will the previously defined survival gender roles.

Interestingly our children – fortunately as a result of learning from our struggles, and simply because they are more naturally wise and evolved than we are, are often already modelling equality and the new system beautifully.

Humankind’s entire consciousness needs to stop regurgitating the past if we want to love each other and survive. We need to let go and shift upwards and forwards. We need to heal and release the back of our brain and start sourcing life from the front of our brains.

We need to release ‘fear’ and ‘survival’.

We need to let go of our history and create a new future.

We need to realise: Our children are NOW our teachers…

Many of the younger generation don’t need to fearfully source power, significance or survival through specific gender roles, and as a result there is less enmeshment, power-struggles, and less difficulty in relating to each other, and much less need to control,  cling or compete.

In younger relationships responsibilities are shared, more freedom, trust and respect is granted, and support and inspiration is naturally extended without insecurities to allow and encourage both sexes to grow, develop and thrive.

There is not the fear of: If you don’t need me or if I can’t ‘give you this’ you’ll leave me, or… I can’t survive in the world without you.

The younger generation are individually sourcing connection to inspiration and power and THEN SHARING IT – therefore REAL relationships can flourish.

Yes men and woman are ‘different’, yet the evolution of relationship is towards ONENESS.

‘Oneness’ is not division – it is a deep loving connection of mutuality and relatedness.

‘Oneness’ is:  the God / Source / Life in me sees and meets the God / Source / Life in you.

‘Oneness’ dispels the painful and fearful illusions of separation.

This is the model of a world leaving survival and fear behind, and fast-tracking into conscious co-creation and love.

It is up to all of us to help midwife this true relationship model into being.

The Results of My Dating Profile

When my profile went live I immediately received a lot of contact.

This included many emails stating that not only had my profile been read – many men deeply resonated with what I had written.

What was incredibly interesting is men in their 30’s ‘got’ my profile easily, whereas men in their middle to late 40’s and older nearly all stated ‘Some men would be very intimidated by you’.

It is obvious how younger men are not as entrenched in ‘survival gender roles’. (This led to a decision I had never previously considered which was to start dating men in their 30’s – more about that next week!)

Not only did my profile NOT scare men off (as my male friends predicted), it hit the Number 2 spot out of thousands of profiles Australia wide.

What those results meant is – the power of being personally authentic (real and true to yourself) is clearly unmistakeable.

I SO hope you have enjoyed this article!

If you also desire an intimate partner to share an authentic, connected and evolved relationship with,  I encourage you to join me in this following process…

It involves writing down your relationship intention (like I have done above).

In order to do this I would like you to really connect with what you know is the truth for you – and WHO you wish to be, as well as the beloved you wish to RECEIVE into your life.

If you don’t mind sharing I would you to post your intention in the comments below.

By doing so you will be putting your intention out to the Infinite Field. By sharing and standing within the co-creative power of this community – you are expanding the power of your intention.

Look out for Part 2 next week – where I will be revealing the results of my latest dating experiences.