Step 2: Release and Heal the Illusion of the Perfect Partner

Step 2: Release and Heal the Illusion of the Perfect Partner

          

I know that ‘letting go’ of the pain can be easier said than done. I also know, as a result of assisting thousands of people with recovery from narcissistic abuse, it is a very rare individual who can simply decide to do this step.

It does take work.

For those of you who have been able to ‘let go’ or have been using the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program to help you let go of the painful feelings, you will discover that your focus is now directed on healing you – and you may be experiencing relief from the obsessive thoughts and emotions.

You may notice that you now have more space to be yourself, and less clutter of the agony in your mind and heart.

As a result of being able to work at letting go of the pain, you may have discovered that the pulls toward the narcissist, to combat what he or he is doing, will not be as extreme – and may have in fact minimalized significantly.

Now, once you have this space and you are in a better state, you can start working seriously on releasing more of the hooks to the narcissist, and putting your focus on healing you as your number one priority.

Please note: If you are still riddled with the intense emotions and obsessive thoughts in regards to what the narcissist did to you it will be difficult for you to move onto step 2.

That is ok, just keep focusing on Step 1 - Releasing the Immediate Pain of Fear and Loss. You can move onto this next step when you are ready.
 

Please understand the steps need to be completed in order for you to have the best possible chance of creating a full recovery.

Step 2: Release and Heal the Illusion of the Perfect Partner

Step 2 on your recovery journey – is about releasing one of the greatest and most powerful hooks, which is: the belief that the narcissist was your perfect partner, and the associated despair of losing this dream partner.

When you met the narcissist and got involved with him or her, you probably believed that you had hit the jackpot. This was the person who seemed to present everything you wanted. It felt like this person understood you, knew you and loved you better than any other person ever did or could.

You felt an intense attraction, and you probably thought that this person was your soul mate.

And initially it seemed to play out that way. The love was heady, incredible and this person was the shining light in your life.

That is one of the main reasons why you may have wanted to hold onto what “could have been” – despite the abusive behaviour.

These powerful feelings and emotions keep you attached to the pain, and the abuse, and have also kept you wondering ‘what if’, hoping that this person could change and be this dream partner that you thought was the love of your life.

This is a powerful pull, and one that many victims of narcissistic abuse can take decades to recover from, or never fully recover from.

In order to move on in your life, and be open to create real and healthy relationships, it is so important to do the work to break this illusion, so that you can clearly see the truth of what this relationship was, and the healing opportunity it is granting you – which is to heal yourself past these painful feelings.

Virtually every relationship creates a powerful opportunity to heal ourself.

When we are deeply connected with people, we are vulnerable, we are open, and we are highly susceptible to heartbreak, pain and disappointment.

The most powerful relationships may not always be relationships that resulted in long lasting solid love connections. Often the most powerful relationships are the ones that teach us important lessons about ourself.

The great thing about being human is that we have the capacity to learn from our experiences. But we can only learn if we recognise the lesson that is being shown to us.

Your narcissistic relationship is providing you with a powerful lesson.

Attraction is a powerful chemical mix of emotions and unconscious currents that create the pull and the feelings we have towards another human being. Narcissistic relationships create two big chemical cocktails unconsciously in our inner drivers – within our instincts.

They provide the promise of all of the love aspects that we have missed out on, from our parent(s) and other relationships, and they also carry the exact components of the hurt and the pain that we experienced (and have not yet healed) from our previous love relationships (including our parents).

We are attracted to our unconscious wounds because they feel familiar. We are also unconsciously drawn to people who will deliver these wounds, because we are unconsciously trying to fix the people and the love experiences that did not stay with us, love us and support us last time.

We are unconsciously trying to right the wrongs.

The problem is unknowingly we are still using the wrong formula. We unconsciously believe "if I can just fix this person I can finally have the love I want."

The correct formula to create the love we want is to first do the work on healing ourselves - not trying to fix someone else.

The belief that the narcissist is the perfect partner is universal. Virtually every person who has been narcissistically abused reports this. They state they have never felt a relationship to be so right, they believed this person was ‘the one’, and they can’t imagine ever being able to meet someone else they were this attracted to.

As you start working through step 2, and start releasing and healing the illusion that the narcissist was the perfect partner, something powerful happens. You will start breaking out of the subconscious attraction to pain, drama and abuse, and you will start coming home to yourself.

You will find that you are no longer attracted to what the narcissist is, or the energy of other people who are narcissistic.

By coming home to yourself you become the energy and the creation of the ‘perfect partner’ to yourself and this healing process allows you to finally start really loving, accepting and nurturing yourself.

When you do this, you will lose the pain, the fear and the feelings of loss and the emptiness of believing that your love and life was dependent on the narcissist.

You will start to realise and deeply feel that what you sought outside of yourself was within you all the time – you had simply been disconnected from it.

Once you have worked through step 2 you will start to shift 180 degrees from seeking others to grant you love – to becoming the very love to yourself that you seek.

This creates a great deal of relief, peace and freedom as it dissolves away your addiction, clinginess, and desperation towards the narcissist and other people.

It also brings the knowing that by becoming genuine to yourself that you will one day attract another partner, (as well as people) into your life who do have the genuine resources to support and love you.

During this week I want you to focus on being mindful of your thoughts. If you notice your thoughts wavering and going back into the feelings of ‘what should have been with him or her’ do the following process:

1. Think about the times that your narcissist violated your boundaries, was abusive or behaved poorly. Write these incidents down.

2. After you have written these incidents down write in bold pen the following statement:

"I (your full name) acknowledge that these behaviours are not acceptable, are abusive and do not match my deservedness and truth. These behaviours are NOT MY REALITY, not now, and not ever again".

This process helps remove the illusion that the narcissist is someone lovable, someone you can heal, someone who is worth being in a relationship with, and someone who has the resources to be a loving partner.

You may find this process helpful when you are feeling the pain of the loss of the narcissist, and the 'dreams' that he or she seemed to represent.

Each time you feel the emotional hooks and the addiction to the narcissist dragging your emotions down, re-read this list and your powerful declaration to yourself.

Please know your illusion may be very strong and powerful. If you are still struggling with the pulls and the feelings of loss of the narcissist, then you may benefit from healing at a deeper level in order to truly break free.