From The Depths Of Darkness Into The Purity Of The Light
I woke up this morning with an incredible peace, and a wonderful inner serenity. I am visiting a magical place of beautiful natural surroundings.
Ironically this is a place which used to hold incredible pain and trauma for me – a place where I had once suffered mind-bending abuse at the hands of a narcissist.
Today I am free – I have no triggers here amongst these familiar surroundings. I know I am not just free from the narcissist. I am free in my heart and my mind.
As with all journeys from hell to heaven – this was a profound one. It was a journey of my Soul.
I want to share my journey with you so that you can make your way on this journey and so you too can be authentically free.
This is a spiritual journey, it’s an inner journey, it’s a journey from our learned powerlessness into the claiming of our divine powerfulness.
It’s a journey of leaving pain, fear, destruction and trauma behind. Having it fall away, like shedding an old skin, and being released into the light, love, support and warm embrace of ‘the light’ of real life.
This is the breaking free of all of the shackles of constriction and paralysis to becoming the open energy of breathing in life. This is a release into the inspiration, space and joy in our heart and mind to know with every cell of our being - no matter where we have come from and what we have endured – everything wonderful is possible.
The word ‘wonder-ful’ is important. Because when we do truly break free there is no more merely ‘hoping one day it will get better’. Instead we become full of the wonder of life and the incredible possibilities that will and are unfolding in front of us.
Letting Go And Moving Toward The Light
The quantum leap into our own healing evolution is not just a ‘simple’ thing. Enlightenment (living without fear) is not just a decision we can make in a moment.
Some people claim that it ‘just happened’, and I am sure this has happened for some remarkable people, however the reality for most of us is the delivery into freedom is not some spontaneous event.
Now I’m not claiming to be enlightened, but I’ll share with you how I am working toward this.
It started with ownership and my deeply held spiritual belief about energy and the creation of my life. My healing began with 100% personal responsibility to be the creator of my life from the inside out. I knew no one else was responsible for the aligning with my Soul (establishing oneness, love, inspiration, and connection to Source) and this was a journey I needed to deeply partner myself on.
I knew to become a true and authentic Source to myself required being able to partner Source, Universal wellbeing, my Inner Being and Life directly without outside egoic props.
This is what unconditional love means – it means being able to achieve the state of ‘In-love’ without anyone or anything needing to be a certain way in order to ‘grant’ it.
Unconditional love is living In-love without having outside conditions. Unconditional love begins with an authentic state from within, a constant, solid state that is not precariously poised on what someone or something else is or isn’t doing.
I knew this was the only way to be authentic love, joy and inner peace. I also knew that throughout my entire life there was nothing I had ever tried to achieve, be, do or have for any other reason other than to experience real authentic inner happiness.
My narcissistic relationship experiences taught me so much.
They taught me the futileness of trying to be love, joy and authentic peace from the outside in. Life had shown me the incredible (and of course excruciating) lessons of not having partnered my own Inner Being and Life directly.
For me personally, this has absolutely been the greatest gift.
Partnering With The Light
There is only one way to be truly free, In-love and at peace, and that is through directly partnering with ‘the light’. None of these states (which are our entire reason for existence) come through any attachments to narcissism. Narcissistic models are the absence of light. They are in fact the death of it.
That is not what our Soul desired for us, and it is not Who We Really Are.
When we make the journey of ‘letting go into the light’, we need to
become the ‘light’ to match up with it, surrender into it, and let it into our being. The light cannot penetrate our being when we have darkness (pain and fear) residing within us.
The Choice Of Darkness Or Light
The wonderful thing about narcissistic abuse is it powerfully shows up for us the ‘darkness’ – the pain and the fear that feels so awful .We know we don’t want this in our life, because it is so unbearable to live with the trauma and the torment that narcissistic abuse brings.
As co-dependents we have not made the decision to ‘become bad people’. We have not decided to forego our connection with our Soul and Oneness to purposefully surrender to the ‘bad’ and become pathological to survive. Our reverence for life will not allow it – it is like we know that to forego our Soul would create the inner destruction of our spirit (as well as everything and everyone around us) and we just can’t make that choice.
It’s important to understand that when you are filled with such pain, the fear, the feelings as if ‘black ink’ is running through your veins and the intense torment, you feel identical to how a narcissist does each and every day if narcissistic supply is not forthcoming, or if the narcissist’s defective self cracks open and ‘feels’ exposed.
The greater majority of the narcissist’s life and inner dialogue is filled with emotional torment.
The narcissist has fully accepted and absorbed ‘darkness’ and his or her reality, and knows no other way.
We do not have to accept this darkness as our reality, or our life.
Before being narcissistically abused we did not realise that our inner emptiness, pain and fear and looking to ‘the outside’ to fulfil us was a disconnection we had with our own Soul.
At this point the relationship we had with ourself, life and others was simply our version of ‘normal’. As yet we had no ability to compare it with true inner connectedness because we hadn’t embraced what that was.
If we did not pull away before experiencing abuse in narcissistic relationships we became more and more disconnected. The narcissist was an expert at pulling down our not-so-secure connection, projecting his or her darkness onto and into us, and we fell into the trap of seeing and assigning the narcissist as our Source rather than claiming the becoming of our own Source.
This caused an intense agony which I believe is like no other.
Disconnection from life force, the natural flow of wellbeing and our Inner Being is the exact reason for ALL trauma and torment for all people.
There is no other reason for emotional pain, disease or any other dysfunction.
When we are disconnected from this abundant Source, we are not in the light, we are full of darkness. We feel intense fear and pain and trauma. We are haunted by the past, we don’t know how we can cope in the present, and we are terrified about our future.
It is like living in hell.
I do not believe hell is a ‘place’, I believe it is a state. It’s the state of being devoid of light.
We have a choice. We can choose to do all that we can to move into and fully claim the light or we can remain in the darkness. It’s a choice of succumbing to the powerlessness of darkness, or wanting with all of our heart to be in our True Power, which is full of light.
When we understand that everything we create in our outer world is a full representation of ourselves there is no other choice to make. If you wish to create -good, real, healthy, gentle, genuine love, deep authentic soul connections, win/win outcomes and truly live and fulfil your life purpose – none of these things will be authentic for you or remain in your life if you are vibrating in fear and pain.
How many of us thought that our previous life was for ‘real’ only to discover it was anything but?
In reflection, looking back we can understand that we were not as yet in our True Power. We were not as yet in the light.
It Is Darkest Before Dawn
To recover from narcissistic abuse and move from the darkness into the claiming of your inherent light – you need to go backwards in order to go forward.
Narcissistic abuse is an immense opportunity for your Soul to evolve.
As a result of this experience you have the ability to be the most incredible being of light that you could imagine, where not only are you completely vibrationally removed from the narcissist, you are also delivered to a higher level of life, love, bliss and inner and outer freedom than you could have previously imagined.
You can be released into a reality where everything is possible and you are able to directly, divinely and lovingly co-create with life free of pain and full of wonder.
When we are considering a transition that is so immense, and is as polar opposite as ‘night and day’, obviously this is not just some glib journey. Rather it is an incredibly profound experience.
Imagine if you were to wake up tomorrow free of pain and fear. What if you knew that no matter what your life looked like now that your Inner Being and Life has your back, and that everything is unfolding in perfect and divine order and everything you need and want is possible and even inevitable?
How would it be for you to feel the inner freedom of peace, space, truth, authenticity and loving, trusting and accepting yourself right here, right now without any feelings of shame, guilt, regret, loss or admonishment?
How would it be to feel free of trauma, triggers and to have complete relief and space in your mind knowing that any of the ridiculous choices, tactics and maliscious, childish behaviours of the narcissist are totally Not Your Reality, quite frankly to be pitied with compassion, totally impersonal and have no bearing on Who
You Are and what your life really is?
This is what living in the light is…and if you want it THAT is your goal.
It’s vital to understand this is an internal goal and THEN your external will follow.
A lot of us made the mistake of trying to battle with the narcissist’s darkness and turn it into light. Naturally we did not succeed, and we were never going to. All we did was immerse and enmesh ourselves into more and more darkness.
Right now the ‘battle’ actually has NOTHING to do with the narcissist. It has everything to do with ourself, and it is a straightforward quest – to free ourself from our own pain and fear (darkness) – knowing it is irrelevant who did it to us.
What is totally relevant is that this pain and fear is stopping us living in the light, and it is preventing us changing our vibration so that we never have to experience it again and it is stunting us from being free to move forward into and create different experiences.
Experiences which match the light.
The experiences of light is the deep Soul connection of love firstly for yourself and then with life and others.
This isn’t possible when you are vibrating with fear and pain.
It is a total illusion that your vibration will change as a result of external situations changing. This is a powerless and a totally futile belief.
Your life will never, and can never change UNTIL you change yourself.
Then everything changes.
We need to take the light (the desire to heal and break free) into our inner darkness (fear and pain) so that we can release it out of ourselves in order to let in the light.
The incredible and magical transformation starts to get underway when we take our focus off the outer darkness. When we do, we stop battling the narcissist or having any concern for what he or she is or is not doing, and we start doing all that we can to purge ourselves of the energy which is NOT Who We Really Are.
THEN the narcissist, and all that narcissism stands for becomes Not You Reality and you will be released into a glorious Universe that is yours by divine right.
Because when you truly become ‘the light’ no darkness can be in your reality – it just isn’t possible. This is when the narcissistic hooks, tactics and repeat abuse stops, ends and dissipates from your life. The memories and traumas, and mental, emotional and physical symptoms of trauma all melt away in this brilliant light.
Not only will your actions and choices match your inner light unfolding, but all of life also collaborates with you to create this reality. The space within yourself, and from life simultaneously opens up for wonderful experiences to come forth.
This is why you need to go directly into your darkness in order to release it, because it is the only way to come out into the light.
Yes this takes immense courage, and yes it hurts like hell – but the results mean that everything in your inner and outer life can start to come good for you. And regardless of how much pain you need to feel and embrace, immense relief and freedom flows through with each and every one of them as a result of doing so.
When we know this is the only real way to evolve and break free then we rise like a phoenix from the ashes, and know that is what narcissistic abuse was always meant to create for us.
Shining The Light On Our Darkness
We know that trying to change outside circumstances never works, we can only ever change our internal being in order to create any true change.
The rawer our wounds are the more easily we can find them. When they are extremely close to the surface or have burst through the surface we can go to and claim ‘what hurts’ and we can open up to our profoundly wise inner intelligence and ask ‘what is this about?’
The information that comes when we are emotionally authentic with ourself, and stop blaming ‘the outside’ is astounding. We discover that our wounds did not originate from the narcissist. We discover that the narcissist was a match for the painful and fearful beliefs that we already had about ourself, life and love.
We discover things about ourself that we previously believed ‘worked’ that in fact didn’t, considering the inner and outer feelings and life we truly wanted to live.
When we start embracing ourselves fully, we replace self-judgement and self-criticism for a loving self-fascination, and a desire to support, love and heal ourself in order to transform these beliefs and elevate ourself to a way of being, feeling and living which does serve us.
This is when we become aware and start living consciously.
We start to observe, understand and master our emotions and we start witnessing the breakthroughs we co-create with life. No longer do we go through life living the same unconscious pain, triggers and events which are clearly in repeat, and hurt us with no idea what they really mean or what to do with them.
We stop being victims and pointing the finger ‘to the outside’.
We start seeing our progress rapidly reflected back to us from life. We start seeing the existing non-narcissistic relationships in our life transforming into deep authentic relationships as a mirror of the deep authentic relationship we are establishing with ourself. We start attracting in new people who are authentic selves.
We see other areas of our life start to fall into place and ‘work’.
We begin to witness ourself as a conscious co-creator of love, truth and joy.
These life transformations bring a powerful inner joy and bliss that far exceeds a pay-rise, a new car or home, or securing attention or approval from someone else.
When we start living through our Soul authentically we start to deeply connect to what our life is really about – and we know that the ‘outer things’ are simply an extension of feelings of wellbeing, love and truth – but in no way could they provide these feelings.
When you have this inner foundation right, and the more and more you get free of fear and pain – then you become magnificent.
From authentic wholeness, there is nothing that you can’t be, do or have. Knowing this is just you being more of you and unfolding into a life which is happily cooperating with your vibrational offering of ‘light’.
The journey from the darkness into the light is the richest and most satisfying journey you could ever experience as a human being.
I have claimed this journey. I know what it is to be in this light – and it is my greatest mission that you too do all that you can to find every part of you determinedly which is vibrating in fear and pain, and release it and transform it – so that you can live the magic and truth you were born to live.
Without being narcissistically abused, would we have strove for this – or would we have just kept living out our previous level of ‘normal’?
I know the answer to that question for myself…
I know I would have never found authentic inner connection and happiness if it had not been for narcissistic abuse.
Please know… I understand the pain, fear and darkness from the very depths of my being.
I previously lived days where I thought I was never going to make it.
This is why I do this work and this is why I wanted to share this article, because I know if I could make it from the trauma and pain and powerlessness I felt, that you can too.
I remember how I went through tissue box after tissue box claiming, feeling and shifting every pain, fear and trauma I could find that was holding me back – because I was so determined to be free.
I know you can be free too…
I am standing over here where pain and fear no longer exist, or if it does appear can be claimed and transformed, saying “Please come over here and join me in the light . I know you can do it….”
It is your full deservedness to be a being of light…
You were always meant to come home to Who You Really Are.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about this article.
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