What do you REALLY want from life?

Accepting The Losses Of Narcissistic Abuse And Aligning With What You Really Want

by Melanie Tonia Evans

What do you REALLY want from life?

And I mean really….

Many of us had a firm idea of how our life would be at a certain stage of our life.

I have heard many people state “I really thought I would be happily married with kids and be financially secure by now”.

Yet at 35, 45, 55 or 65 life just didn’t turn out like that.

I used to think like this. I used to be devastated by this…but truly this was only when I believed those outcomes were my personal identity.

Now I look back at the ‘stuff’ and ‘destinations’ I thought I wanted, and realise that wasn’t it at all.

The purpose of this article is to help you align with the truth of ‘what you really want’, and help relieve the feelings that your worth, identity and life is now null and void because of what you haven’t got or didn’t achieve as a result of being narcissistically abused.

Striving From Fear

Often our motivation for ‘what we want’ emanates from a position of fear.

Such as “If I have enough money I won’t be scared of not having enough security”

“If I have a relationship I won’t be fearful of being alone”

“If I have a good career, people in my life will finally acknowledge my worth”, or

“If I don’t keep creating ‘more’ in my life, people will think I have nothing to offer. Other people will be more attractive or popular than me.”

Striving in this way is unfortunately generated from a fearful wounded centre of lack and fear.

And of course this is often ‘normal’, but is it effective?

Is it productive, and does it generate the results we want?

I have to say “No”, because when we are in fearful reaction to life – we are not effective co-creators with Source, Life and Wellbeing.

In fact we are snapped off from being effective co-creators.

It’s like trying to tune into a particular frequency when your dial is set to another channel.

When we are trying to source our life from a position of fear and lack, we don’t trust Life to nourish and support us. We don’t believe Life wants to grant us all the opportunities, openings and synchronicities to support our highest self and greatest capacities.

We haven’t opened up to energies and realities larger and more powerful than our own limited and fearful minds, and we don’t believe that Life wants us to be happy and fulfilled.

Fear is a product of the ego – which wants to keep you stuck in the position of separation, lack, finite resources, limitations and unworthiness.

Your ego convinces you that you have to struggle, fight for, feel empty, regret your position in life (it’s never good enough to feel safe, secure, loved and worthy) and this puts you on a never ending treadmill of ‘I’ll be happy, safe and secure when (fill in the gap….)’

Your ego makes sure the ‘when’ feels elusive (I’m not ‘good enough’ to really create that ), and if it does come then the feelings of ‘safe’ ‘secure’ ‘loved’ and ‘worthy’ are fleeting because self-perpetuated feelings of insecurity, or fear of loss, quickly creep back in.

The Losses of Being Narcissistically Abused

After narcissistic abuse many people lose out.

It’s almost unheard of for anyone to be narcissistically abused and come out the other side ‘prospering’. Narcissists pathologically feel aggrieved, wronged and entitled. They believe their own twisted reasoning, and that it was your fault.

Additionally narcissists are not ‘limited’ with a conscience and fight dirty to take all they can, brutally if necessary.

Waiting for a narcissist to ‘do the right thing’ or ‘come to his or her senses’ is akin to every country laying down their weapons and making peace.  The egoic fearful madness in this world just hasn’t evolved to that level yet.

If it feels right, absolutely release your emotional pain and fear, stand up for your rights, and walk the line of ‘justice’.

However, truly, if you feel you are selling your soul, at risk of remaining hooked in, or disrupted regarding moving forward in your life, you may want to consider whether or not rolling around in the filth is worth it.

In both of my narcissistic abuse experiences I decided it wasn’t, and I certainly don’t regret those decisions.

The True Understanding of the Losses

My decision to ‘let go’ (much faster after the second narcissistic abuse experience) and move forward was due to the orientation of asking myself:

What do I really want?

When we have been narcissistically abused, and do the recovery work this opens us up to a deep inner reflection of ourselves, life and what our purpose of ‘living’ is really about.

If we have the courage to apply self-reflection, this grants us the ability to understand that the way we were previously sourcing our life was fearful.

Narcissists appear to be strong, confident and ‘together’. They appear to be capable and a safe harbour to tie our ship to. We think that because the narcissist is in our life, we won’t have to weather the stormy fears of life anymore.

We think that an unsafe, finite, punishing world just became safe.

We think that the narcissist will compensate for our own insecurities, and our deep inner unworthiness of ‘not being good enough’ to generate life the way we would like to.

We believe the narcissist possesses the qualities that we don’t have, or would like to be.

That is the total illusion of narcissistic grandiosity, and our own insecurities fell for it  – despite our churning gut warning us otherwise.

The Security We Thought We Had

If you could sit back as I do at my computer and see the over-whelming evidence of how narcissists end up later in their life, I can assure you the apparent  ‘safe harbour’ and ‘being powerful and having it all together’ is in fact a house of cards that can only, and will only ever crumble.

No matter how much the narcissist tries to make you believe that they have moved and are having a great life I can assure you – he or she hasn’t.

The narcissist’s ego is taking him or her on a one way ticket to demise…because that’s exactly what egos do.

The ego is an insidious cancer which creates fear, pain, and anxiety and eventual annihilation. (Ironically exactly the things the ego convinces it is needed to provide safeguards against.)

Ultimately the karmic repercussions of conscienceless pathological living are not pretty.  Especially when the narcissist runs out of the ‘intelligence’,  ‘energy’ and ‘charm’ to keep lying and deceiving and keeping ‘one step ahead of the game’.

A narcissist’s distorted brain wiring breaks down, becomes psychotic and delusional, and any person with no grasp on reality ends up in a nursing home or an institution (or in a bunker killing themselves – think Hitler).

Consistently narcissists in later life have serious physical as well as mental illness (Parkinson’s disease is astoundingly common – look up the metaphysical reason for that manifesting), no money, no personal power, and very little if any personal connections or support.

The narcissist has intense self-loathing and loses the ability to source narcissistic supply to offset it. It becomes increasingly difficult for the narcissist to hold up his or her mask, and the narcissist’s true personality becomes visible for all to see.

Who chooses to visit old, insane, creepy person who behave disgustingly?

No one.

Narcissist’s get worse the older they get – the damage within them escalates with no relief, and I promise you if you saw the evidence I get consistently from the community (as well as older narcissists I personally know of) as well as understood the biological truth of brain damage as a result of pathological malfunctioning, you would NEVER envy the narcissist’s life or where it’s going to end up.

As Bon Scott once sang “I’m on a highway to hell’…

Truly, that hell is here and now for the narcissist, he or she is already in it – hence why the narcissist behaves the way he or she does.

A life of fear instead of love, severe distrust of self, life and others, and chronic inner self-rejection IS the pure living hell of an abuser’s true emotional state.

When you saw the grandiose front crack open – is when you were exposed to the truth.

The problem is: if our own ego is caught up in trying to source our life from an inner position of fear, then we are at risk of being a passenger on the narcissist’s “Titanic”. A much worse demise than we could have ever orchestrated on our own.

And that’s what this article is really about – getting off the sinking ship and into life the way you are meant to source it and live it.

Generating Life Authentically

It all gets back to these two emotions – fear and love.

If we are in reaction, fear and the beliefs of unworthiness that Life / Source / God is not connected to us and is not supporting us in the Infinite Field, then we are small, limited, empty and constantly disappointed.

We are trying to cling to and control circumstances, rather than letting go and letting Life and Creation flow through us.

This is exactly why we hang on to abuse. We have assigned another person as the Source / God / Life of all things – rather than establishing our own essential connection to the Infinite Field.

This is of course pandering to narcissism perfectly. Narcissism is an empty, insecure, vengeful, petty ‘False God’ demanding to be the Centre of Other People’s Universes in order to try to create significance.

This is the cycle we need to break to change our planet.

The more people who DO become connected to Source and the fullness of Life, the less ‘injured gazelles separated from the pack susceptible to be picked off by hyenas’ will exist.

When we are clinging to abuse and NOT letting go in order to connect healthily with Source / God / Life, we receive all of the pain and evidence which screams:

This isn’t working.

So what do we really want?

We REALLY want to be free to be ourselves FULLY, and we want to be sourcing Life through love.

We want to be connected to the field of Life, living enchanted as a result of the miracles (small and big) which support us every day, and experiencing the opportunities which abundantly arrive to support our highest self and the growth of our greatest capacities.

Because that is what Source / God / Life TRULY delivers EVERY day, if we show up with an aligned connected frequency.

These miracles provide the evidence of how we are expanding, how we are connecting to ourselves, Life and others, and how much Life loves us and is supporting our highest flourishing in every incredible way conceivable.

We even bless every breakdown, knowing it is the clearing away of an obsolete part of ourselves (ego) to allow the growth of the next breakthrough – and we are perfectly conscious of this.

That is delight. That is love. That is living.

That is how we feel alive.

Being alive has nothing to do with where you have come from or what you do or don’t have.

It has everything to do with who you are Being – right now.

There is an ever-growing movement on this planet from the insanity of darkness (ego self) into light (True God Self). It’s a battle of evil versus good.

Nothing encapsulates this more than being involved with narcissistic abuse – which is the very epitome of darkness (ego).

When we think of battles it may conjure images of manning or womaning up, putting on the combat gear and getting in the ring.

But this isn’t a battle of aggression and combat.

You can’t beat darkness by throwing more darkness at it.

You can ONLY eliminate darkness by becoming a personal force who starts connecting to light, generating your life through Source / God (whatever your understanding of a Higher Power is) and letting go and turning away from everything that is darkness (fake substitutes).

When someone throws a light switch on, darkness disappears.

Your personal responsibility to yourself, your loved ones and to all of humanity is to heal yourself enough to throw on your switch and glow it as brightly as you can.

If enough people did that – darkness could no longer exist.

I feel so blessed that I can be a part of this movement, and it inspires and urges me on every day when I see how many people in this community are emerging from the trance and realising that being narcissistically abused was the HUGEST wake-up call to move from the darkness (limited fearful egoic self) into the light (empowered True Self).

When you have been violated, polluted and enmeshed in that much darkness and painful illusions, you have to REALLY make every effort to crawl out and become light – absolutely.

It is the most courageous mission any human being can ever make.

Many people are transforming their lives to a level where their previous self becomes unrecognisable.

Yet ironically they are becoming MORE themselves than EVER before.

Becoming More of You

What does becoming ‘more of you’ mean?

It’s a development towards knowing your limited fearful self has no control of your life, and there is something much more powerful, loving and immense that operates through you which is really the Source Of All Life.

Last weeks’ article was all about reconciling your inner wounds, and why it is so essential to do that.

The transformation of emerging from the slumber is not an instant one. We don’t wake up one day, the lamp shade comes off our head and we state “I get it. I now feel delivered to the other side”.

The reason we don’t, is because we have a great deal of painful trapped emotions, faulty belief systems and inner agony to deal with. 

We feel cheated, destroyed, betrayed and often annihilated.

Little did we realise that the ’wonderful life and person’ we thought the narcissist was – was really going to be our worst nightmare.

We also didn’t realise our original emotional injuries which caused us to be susceptible to narcissist abuse were going to get ripped open again – more dramatically this time in order to really GET OUR ATTENTION.

The resulting despair, depression, resentment and regrets keep us separated from the Infinite Field. The frequency of pain and fear tunes us into another channel.

The frequencies of fear and love are as extreme and as polar opposite as ‘living in hell’ or experiencing ‘heaven on earth’.

If we ignore agonised feelings, and instead try to continue sourcing life through fear and reaction to our inner pain (escalated now), our emotions and life get worse and not better.

Unfortunately many contemporary solutions involve trying to ignore, distract from or shut these emotions up so that we can continue to ‘function’, but don’t really offer the true solution.

The only true solution is to turn toward these painful emotions – not away from them – in order to transform them.

Not just the wounds incurred in narcissistic abuse, but also the old unfinished business that led us there in the first place.

Piece by piece when we free our subconscious (the screaming emotions) of this pain, a space opens up in our body and heart – and as that space opens up so it does in our minds.

Then what follows is our inherent wisdom of how we are connected to all of Life.

Within our DNA we are ALL coded to know this, it’s just our programming, our ego and accumulated wounds have kept us operating, struggling and flailing within the illusions of separation – the emotions of fear, and beliefs / evidence of lack of support and unworthiness.

To experience the natural phenomenon of connectedness is what it means to become more fully ourselves.

It’s the emancipation of becoming free of the pain, and dissolving the fear and the futility of trying to control conditions outside of us in order to try and feel loved, safe or worthy.

This then grants us the ability to open up, connect through our heart to Life, and accept Life’s flow of wellbeing, love, opportunities and beauty to flow back through us.

That is the reality of our true power and how we ARE coded into the ecology of life, and when we become this connection we realise Who We Really Are.

Then we look back at who we were being and that person has become a complete stranger.

The Pervasive Arguments of the Ego

The ego convinces us that to stop creating and sourcing life through fearful reaction, and to let go of needing to control outside circumstances leaves us vulnerable and exposed to loss.

The ego convinces us through all forms of distorted thinking and self-created manifestations that we can’t function or accumulate love, worth or security unless we compete, model ourselves to ‘fit in’, and guard ourselves.

The ego states “Work the room – be everything everyone needs you to be to get what you want”

Our Infinite Intelligence connected to Life sourcing through love and connection states (in the words of Marianne Williamson) “All you need to do is show up, and then ‘open your heart, your mind and your mouth’.”

This means – be yourself.

Your True Self.

This is significant – this is vital, and when you ARE authentic, when you are aligned with your highest and most truest orientation – Life responds to you as love, connection, worthiness, flourishing and power.

True power…

Authenticity is not weakness, and it is not a pushover. Authenticity is not needy, empty or dependent, and there aren’t fears of rejection, criticism or abandonment creating further maladaptation.

Authenticity is Source / God / Life working through us.

Source / God / Life is ‘full’, it is already a complete system.

Why would Source / God / Life need to self-abandon, lie, hide, deceive or ‘people-please’ in order to try to ‘get’ something?

Something that it already ‘is’?

Authenticity is – God Godding.

Compare this to the ‘False God’ of narcissism – which is ego personified.

It is the neediness, the insecurity and the childish wounds and lack of emotional development which causes the petty, demanding, entitled, manipulative and immature behaviour – purely because the ego does NOT feel whole, worthy or connected to the infinite support and love of Life.

What Do You Really Want?

You REALLY want to be yourself – the True You. Because that is WHERE love, joy, flourishing and being who you came to be REALLY is…

Anything else is ‘looking for love in all the wrong places’.