What we gonna be?

14^th March 2012 – Neytiri – Couldn't sleep. Having some tea and listening to James Morrison. I'll bring his cd with me, i love the way he sings.

14^th March 2012 – Jake – One day you’ll ask me who’s more important to me; you or my life. I’ll say, “Of course, my life.” And you’ll go and walk away without even knowing that you are my life!..Ish’llah

Now and again with my egoic mind drifts into the future and Nelly comes to mind: “Yeah, I was thinking about her, thinking about me, thinking about us, what we gonna be?”  And I’m thinking if only I knew how it all would pan out. At some level my life is on pause and seems to revolve around the few hours I spend with Neytiri. Then I read this:

In this moment I follow God’s will for me.

I’m learning to let go and it feels good not to be in charge all the time. I have boundless energy to do my will, but often procrastinate on important issues. For too long, I hung to the end of a rope with no clear understanding of the meaning of life. Through prayer, I’m redirecting my energy to know and do God’s will. It’s comforting to know what it means to be happy, joyous, peaceful and free. The amazing thing is that the plans of my Higher Power far exceed anything I could have imagined.

I am at peace with what is and what will be.  The few hours I do spend with her each week are magic.  It’s just the 2 of us and nothing else matters, in the moment. Precious, sublime and priceless.

I happened to mentioned to Neytiri that I think our time is limited so she better get her issues resolved.  That was a mistake because I know nothing of God's plan for us and I do not know her soul’s purpose.

Anyway, she said she thought the same.  She said every time she opens Power of Now, he talks about the impermanence of things.  We read from Conversations with God and he talks about the temporary nature of things. So she thinks that our relationship is temporary.

My interpretation is the physical and emotional realms (the 1% realm according to Kabbalah) are temporary but the spiritual is eternal. This incarnation and the relationships we have in it are impermanent and temporary so why be attached to them? Why worry? We are one for now & eternal, my dear!

We both agreed what will be, will be.  It is our Higher Power’s will not ours.

She requests I should stop asking her the hard, tough questions as she does not want to discuss anything further.  She has stored the memories away in a safe place and does not want to disturb them.  As far as she is concerned there is no issue outstanding. She tells me she wants 2 weeks of peace when she visits; can I promise her this?

Just when I thought she was ready to let the light in, she has shut the door and bolted it firmly.  She would rather have 2 weeks peace than a lifetime of peace.  That’s when is dawned on me; she is in denial.  There is no issue.  She is in her comfort zone in her physical and emotional realms so why rock the boat.  She is coping. Why seek salvation, when it is easier to maintain the status quo; the 1% reality.

The ego is an amazing entity and will convince you, you are safe to protect its existence. Neytiri makes a good point that living in the now, in the present means the past does not exist.  This is true, if you are able to die to the past in the moment.  However, if you cannot resolve the past you cannot stay present.  The ego dwells in the past and future.  As long as the demons are not slayed, you cannot be present.  Address the pain-body first. That’s my take.

So the 2 women in my life are both in denial.  Ironically they are both possessed by the same demons. There is no problem with them.  In fact most women I get close to appear to be in denial.  Here I was thinking de nile is a river in Egypt!

I was surprised when Neytiri said she does not like the 12 steps.  I was saddened (for a second). But then all the signs were there.  After last Thursday, I felt I needed to send her the therapeutic cd’s I used to help me with my recovery.  But something held me back.  Now I know why. The time is not ripe, she is not ready to die to the past.

It was a reality check for me but I respect her decision. I was reminded of a passage in the Big Book:

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.....we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.”

The Neytiri paradox : To know and not do, is like not knowing. This is the root of her conflict with the relation.  She has safety and comfort with what she is (her 1% realm), so why does she have these feelings for us?

All I can do is love both of them dearly and not resist.  Pray for us. Surrender to both.  I am always there in spirit, if needed for support and guidance.  I am a teacher not a preacher.

Let go and Let God. The more important issue for me is; as Jason Bourne says “Who am I?”