16th March 2012 – Jake – H-R-T? What would you add to these letters? EA or U? EA, you get heart. U, you get hurt. Now, what would you pick? Well, I would pick U because it’s better to get hurt than have a heart without U.
R.E.M.’s Losing My Religion was indicated to me and for some reason it has had an impact on me; I can’t stop listening to it. I had a look at the lyrics but got nothing. Maybe it will come in time or have some reason for Neytiri.
Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream, try, cry, why, try
That was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream
Dream
Wow; just reading the lyrics again and after last night’s chat with Neytiri, I think it is very relevant to her! I am getting all teary and I feel so blessed. Messages from our Higher Power
Kabbalah has a belief that we share the same sins as everyone who passes through our lives at any moment. I never really understood what it meant until now. Native Americans have a saying “Don’t judge someone until you have walked a 1,000 steps in their moccasins.”
In Conversations with God he talks about to find out all that we are, we need to know all that we are not. The soul’s purpose is to experience everything, “good”, “bad”, “right” and “wrong” so it can discover who it is.
So in that sense we have all being murderers, rapists, crooks, adulterers, kings, priests, saints, etc. whether in this life or past lives. So at some level we have all shared the same experiences. So my take it sins is actually experiences. Because there is no “good” or “bad”.
So there you go, we share the same experiences (sins) as everyone who passes through our lives at any moment.
After our last chat, when I realised that Neytiri was not ready I felt a sense of relief. A burden off my shoulders. I had inadvertently thought it was my role to offer her salvation. It is not. My role is the same as it is to my fellowship; to offer the message of hope and be there for whoever is compelled to reach out to me. Simple. Let go and Let God.
So I apologised to Neytiri for inadvertently pushing her too hard, too fast. I related to her some time about 12 months ago she asked me again why I left my home town and at the time I said “Because I couldn’t have you.”, tongue in cheek. Now, I said it is so very true. I left because I wasn’t ready.
I love my son and that’s probably more because I am a parent. I never knew what love was and never loved a stranger in my life. As the conversation progressed I told her she was the only person I could say I truly ever loved unconditionally.
At which time, she started to open up and become vulnerable. She confessed one of her deepest, darkest secrets and I felt at once humbled and honoured. After the initial surprise, I was able to stay present and did not judge the event as good or bad but just as is. I felt only Love. This was one Step 5 issue she was having a problem with.
I read Step 5 and what to do next from the Big Book. The most relevant part for us turned out to be “We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past.”
It struck a chord with her and she realised she can’t skimp on the truth. She had more to confess but just not tonight.
I remember when I did my Step 4 this part stood out for me. I had to be honest with myself and confess everything. I had nothing to lose. And that’s just what I did. Noone or nothing else matters; I got to keep my side of the street clean (I really like this analogy).
The Book is Gold, 103 pages of pure spiritual knowledge, if you get it. Every time I read it I pick up something new. It is just incredible. I call it “The Guide to Spiritual Living for Dummies”.
It was like a big piece of the jigsaw puzzle fell in place. There was so much clarity and for me confirmation of what I already know. There is the knowing, then the experience and finally the being. I am amazed at my intuition and how much I know without knowing.
I told her we are like 2 peas in a pod. I told her I think we decided at the spiritual / soul level to enter this life at opposite ends of the spectrum, have the same experiences; one as a male and the other as a female and then meet and hopefully move on to the next life. Maybe this way we are able to fast track the process and miss a few lives in the future!
I am so glad; there is now hope for Neytiri. Actually there always was; it is just now it may happen sooner than expected. However, the conflict remains and I am torn. At one level she trusts me with her sharing and at the same time she questions why she is sharing with me and not Tsu’tey. Maybe I should handover the keys?
The gatecrasher? My co-dependent response would be to build a wall, set her free, forget about her and what might have been. That was how I coped in the past. But I must be vigilant not to regress and I pray for the answer, which I know I will get when the time is ripe!
I had asked her whether she could accept it if the dream became reality. Total confusion.
Yesterday’s meditation for the day was “Because honesty brings me a sense of security, help me to be willing to risk being vulnerable.”
Being vulnerable brings us much of what we need.
I felt (strangely) very aroused as I went to bed!
16th March 2012 – Jake – One day, we might forget the people that once came to our lives. But I know that when that day comes, I won’t forget you. Because you didn’t just come into my life, you became a part of it.
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