Lady, morning's just a moment away
And I'm without you once again
You laughed at me
You said you never needed me
You said you never needed me
I wonder if you need me now
So many dreams that flew away
So many words we didn't say
Two people lost in a storm
Where did we go?
Where'd we go?
We lost what we both had found
You know we let each other down
But then most of all
I do love you
Still!
We played the games that people play
We made our mistakes along the way
Somehow I know deep in my heart
You needed me
'cause I needed you so desperatly!
We were too blind to see
But then most of all
I do love you
Still!
The song was indicated to me and I listened to it many times after I was kicked in the groin the first time back in July 2011. At that time it did not particularly resonate although I enjoyed listening to it. After last night, I believe the time is now appropriate and it has meaning for me. Only this time I was kicked in the butt (my butt was sore yesterday) and not the groin!
I told Neytiri the Force was strong these last couple of days and she gave me a blank look. She looked beautiful, especially her hair. We briefly danced around my mischief around letting her think I was visiting her today and I said when I really do visit you are not going to believe me. She said I will not visit her nor will she be visiting me! This was huge. The black widow strikes.
She said she has a lot more clarity now and the pieces of her puzzle were now falling into place. She had a tough weekend and hit bottom on Saturday and she prayed, really prayed! Her prayers may have been answered because she was cold and premeditated in her approach. She said I was not her soul mate nor was Tsu’tey. She did not believe she could ever have a soul mate. We do not share the same sins because her sins were much bigger (could be a new TV series: The Biggest Sinner). And her onion was huge. She now knows why she said she would need to come back many times.
She asked me questions about things I had written in this blog (that’s the problem with writing stuff down; it is open to interpretation or misinterpretation. That’s why I could never understand English literature in school. I mean, how do we know what the author was thinking about?).
She said every time she opens the Power of Now she reads about the impermanence of everything. Once a person has served their purpose they move on from your life and she has come to the conclusion that this is the case for us. I’m now feeling like a sperm donor.
She continued : After what I am about to tell you, you probably will not need or want to know me. She went on to tell me about her childhood life growing up in a dysfunctional family system. She was disjointed, vague and full of innuendo and I don’t think I got the gist of what she said. However, what was apparent was the great shame, pain and fear she was experiencing. This is a natural reaction.
I recall when I realised back in December 2010 I was co-dependent my level of shame increased 100 fold as I realised how “bad” I had been. The suppressed memories came to the fore in a flood; it was my body healing. We have do a proper house clean in order to recover. So, well done, Neytiri!
At the time it was tough to take, so I can empathise with her although she has been going through this for a few months now or probably longer. See, she could never hold a smile and I always told her so, the outside reflects the inside. In fact she did well to hold up until now because it must have been eating at her insides.
At the time it was tough to take, so I can empathise with her although she has been going through this for a few months now or probably longer. See, she could never hold a smile and I always told her so, the outside reflects the inside. In fact she did well to hold up until now because it must have been eating at her insides.
She thought there could be an easy way out and I now laugh thinking about how she thought being present means the past doesn’t matter.
Her reaction and response to the alleged clarity (the egoic mind!) does not surprise me. We co-dependents when triggered or put under pressure default to our coping mechanisms; we build a wall behind which we live. It is safe there and no one can harm us. Our trust was betrayed at a very young age by the only people we could trust at that age (our major care givers), so we learn to cope on our own. We don’t trust and believe in God. We become our own higher power. We are not good enough.
We live a lie and change like chameleons to adapt to the world, stay out of the limelight lest we get exposed and hurt. We lead a life based on what we expect others to expect of us. We are never true to ourselves nor do we know our authentic selves. The mind (ego) is an amazing organ and the inner child will create extensive coping mechanisms that feed off a false belief system of how “bad” we are.
Hence, Neytiri is now in a place where she can’t trust me, Tus’tey or anyone close to her except for those in the wall, the circle of trust. But these are the very people who perpetuate her and their own co-dependency. That’s the irony, the Neytiri dilemma.
I do not how long her journey will take from denial to acceptance and finally recovery. I am always there for her in spirit (she is safe in my heart). As part of this journey she will discover the truth behind her relations with males and more importantly her muffin top. It is no coincidence it has emerged on her return to her family of origin.
I will continue to pray for us. We previously agreed that we would make all major decisions together, a group conscience decision. I came across this beautiful idea in CoDA where no decisions are rushed, each person prays for guidance and then makes their decision and the group consensus rules. If a decision cannot be reached it is deferred until such time the group conscience is in agreement. The Big Book is the result of a group conscience.
She may think it is over because it is easy for co-dependents to run from their problems. We find it difficult to ask for help because there was never anyone to help us and we never became vulnerable again to let people in to help us.
Whilst Neytiri has done the hard yards by doing steps 4 and 5 she needs to do the basics Steps 1 to 3. However, step 12 has taught me not to be a preacher, reformer or evangelist. Nor should I talk down from any moral or spiritual hilltop. I should also be careful I do not brand her as co-dependent, she should draw her own conclusion (A bit late for that now). I am always available if needed.
It was probably one of the shortest talks we had ever had and one where I spoke the least. I was amazed at my composure. As she talked all I felt was perfect love, joy and peace and I was so very present. I am so grateful for this. I have grown so much. A couple of months ago I would not have been able to handle this. I would have viewed it from my co-dependent sense of rejection and abandonment. I have no such negativity about her feelings.
She once asked me what K.A.N.K. means and when I told her it means “Never say goodbye”, she promised she never would. So instead her final words were “You go now.”
I could not help but think of it as life imitating art. In the movie, Avatar Neytiri feels betrayed by Jake and tells him “You go from here. You will never be part of the people.”
Later Jake narrates: "Outcast. Betrayer. Alien. I was in the place the eye does not see. I needed their help. And they needed mine. But to ever face them again, I was gonna have to take it to a whole new level."
And Jake sets off to bond with the Toruk Macto. When Neytiri see Jake with the Toruk she realises she SEES the real Jake and she has no more fears.That’s what I need right now, a Toruk Macto. Actually I already have one; it’s just that Neytiri is blind to it!
Tsu’tey said the following: "Toruk Macto, I will fly with you."
This line always gives me goose bumps and I get all emotional. I never understood why until now. Wow! The Power of Clarity.
As the emotional tsunami flows through our lives leaving a trail of destruction and pain, the energy can also be harnessed for positive use and there is always re-growth after a tsunami. I trust we may do it together, if it is God’s will.
So it is over? If I get a sign or message indicating it is so from my Higher Power, then so be it. Until then I am not sad it may be over, but happy and blessed it happened.
My door is open to her or anyone else that reaches out. The Force is strong as I write this; May the Force be with you Neytiri, now and always.
Yea, let all those who have ears to hear, listen. For I tell you this: at the critical juncture in all human relations, there is only one question:
“WHAT WOULD LOVE DO NOW?”
Is my prophesy now relevant? - There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.
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