Losing the dream partner that you thought you had…
Dealing with him/her attempting to discredit your reputation with friends and family…
Losing countless nights of sleep incessentantly wondering what he/she is doing next…
But there is one side effect of trauma that I believe is worse than anything and everything…
So what is the worst side effect of trauma?
We becoming terrified of ‘being.’
Which means no matter how hard we try we can’t feel ‘normal’.
We are constantly anguished, and could be suffering the symptoms of Post, or even Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorder – which is a very common result of being narcissistically abused.
After suffering narcissistic abuse I can recall the dreaded fear I would experience from just walking out my door. A phone call or even a knock on the door could send me into panic.
I couldn’t have a conversation with someone without my anxiety rising to a point where I would be shaking inside.
If we don’t feel safe in life, we don’t feel safe with ourselves.
What this really means is: we don’t feel safe to be in our own bodies.
It wasn’t until I learnt how to feel safe and whole within my body, without any distractions that I healed my past fully and started living an authentic life.
In this article I am going to share many of the ways I have learned to feel safe and whole in my body, and how I stay firmly committed to being in my own body in calm, peace, solidness and emotional wellbeing.
The Out of Body Experience
Mental well-being is a product of emotional well-being.
If our emotions are a mess, our mind has a very hard time dealing with the body’s trauma.
I discovered – as a result of two narcissistic abuse experiences and my desire and journey to deeply recover – that recovery is not about what the mind would like to think and do, because if we don’t address the emotional state within the cells of our body it can be really hard to get the mind to take control of our emotions.
Especially if our emotions are peaking with fear, pain, loss and anguish.
Especially if our emotions can’t simply be at peace.
During my healing journey, there were lots of things I discovered about myself, that I also discovered about others working at recovery from narcissistic abuse.
A consistent common denominator was: the grave difficulty to be in our bodies.
Being in our body means having the ability to be present with ourself without distractions.
If we are ‘not in our bodies’, we feel disassociated, disjointed and often ‘frantic’. Our emotions and our minds feel anguished, and are highly susceptible to being triggered.
We can feel incredibly fragile, and vulnerable, and fear being unable to control or create our life.
In my recent article I talked about being vulnerable with ourselves, and how vital it is to self-soothe.
Lots of my inner work and research allowed me to realise that people who were not emotionally soothed as children, when suffering negative emotion, have an impaired ability to ‘be with themselves healthily’ when feeling emotionally distressed.
This leads to addiction, and obsessive compulsions, and seeking others (including unhealthy relationships) to try to find relief outside of ourselves – because we didn’t know or believe that we could be present with ourselves.
This article is about taking this understanding deeper…
Coming Inside Your Body
I would like you to try a little exercise.
Whilst sitting on your couch or chair just stop.
Sit and do nothing.
Set a timer for ten minutes.
Just be.
Just breathe in and out and take your awareness inside of yourself.
Don’t let yourself think of anything outside of you. If you do, just keep bringing your awareness back to inside of yourself.
What this is – in effect – is you connecting to the inside of your body.
It is in this state that you will ‘see’ how comfortable you are being in your own body.
If this feels like a lovely natural hiatus – then you are very comfortable (and familiar) with being in your body.
If this feels highly uncomfortable, such as your mind keeps incessantly thinking thoughts, or you want to do anything else but do this, or you feel incredible emotional pain that you don’t want to ‘be’ with, this is a powerful indication that you are living your life outside of your body.
Why Do We Need to Be In Our Bodies?
It is common to be living the illusion of separation.
In this state we don’t believe we can trust life, and we certainly don’t know how to trust ourselves.
This is all part of fearful and painful survival programs, which have taken hold and accumulated deep within our subconscious mind (the cellular network throughout our entire body).
The older we get the more intense, dense and ingrained these faulty beliefs become.
Whilst operating through survival beliefs, we feel that life and living necessitates strategies to survive. We believe that life doesn’t have our back, and that there is NOT a stream of well-being which we are connected to, or deserve to experience.
All of these false premises are born out of the illusion of separation.
The more separated we are from the inherent stream of well-being, which is our natural state to live as – the more it hurts.
The greater the ‘gap’ the greater negative emotion is suffered.
What we may not have realised is that by trying to ‘control’ things in the outer world, the greatest separation we continue to experience is the separation with ourselves.
And we did not realise this is what equalled being separated from worthiness, well-being, and love.
We did not realise that to be connected to the stream of well-being, we needed to be in our bodies connected to ourselves.
The Substitutes and the Consequences
When we are in this state of separation we have to use alternatives to try to feel better – because we are disconnected from our True Self state of inherent worthiness, well-being and love.
The substitutes become other people, food, alcohol, seeking acclaim, attention, sex, material goods etc. etc. etc.
Now initially these things can feel good, or even great.
Because the focus is taken temporarily off the ‘raw and ragged edge’ of negative emotions (I love this expression of Ester Hicks) caused by our own ‘separation’.
It is really important to understand that anything on the outside is never the solution. What it is, rather, is temporary relief.
Temporary relief can feel wonderful – especially if it alleviates horrendous lack of worthiness, painful feelings of unlovability, and the agony of being cut off from the natural flow of the well-being of life.
In fact many, many people mistake the temporary relief of someone else taking emotional pain away as ‘love’.
It isn’t love.
It is the dependence on another person granting you emotional pain relief from yourself, when in fact you are the only person who can be responsible for, and effective at healing your own internal pain and closing the ‘gap’ of your separation from yourself.
Many people use the ‘high’ (relief) of sex, food, alcohol, attention or material gain to try to gain a connection to themselves. What they don’t realise, until they become conscious, is that the only way to get in your own body (create inner connection) is by going within and working at getting at peace within. It can never be provided by something from the outside.
If outside fixes are sought, the ‘gap’ persists, and more sex, food, alcohol, attention or material gain becomes necessary.
Every time these quick fixes wear off, the emotional pain of being separated from Source (the stream of well-being of life) returns.
You may or may not have realised that ‘Source’ and ‘Self’ are actually the same thing. That is how truly incredible your True Self is. You are Source.
As soon as you are pinched off from yourself, you are pinched off from the well-being of Source.
Why then wouldn’t we want to be in our own body?
Because we have not healed and made peace within ourself…
This occurs if we have been trying to get away from our inner wounds through other people and things on the outside. Every time we use this strategy, we continue to diminish our own connection with ourselves.
We Can’t Master Emotions Out of Our Body
When we are ‘separated’ from ourselves we are NOT in our body.
This means we are not able to just ‘be’ with our emotions, without feeling the intense pain of them, fearful that they will be overwhelming, and fearful that we don’t have the resources to handle whatever emerges for us emotionally from the inside and the outside.
Of course a great deal of this can be unconscious.
In fact, if this has been your normal level of operation since a very young age (as it was for me), you won’t even realise that this has been what your life looks like.
Here is the clincher – that is so important for members of this Community to understand.
Both narcissists and co-dependents suffer from not being in their body.
Co-dependents were not taught how to ‘be in their bodies’ healthily and self-soothe. They did not have their feelings and emotions validated by parental role models, and did not how to go within to do this for themselves.
Co-dependents grew up with the programming to avoid emotions, and detach from valuing themselves emotionally.
Narcissist suffered traumatic childhoods, ones that were bad enough as a result of abuse, abandonment, engulfment or being objectified that they spilt out of their bodies. They submerged and ‘killed off’ their True Selves and created an ‘outer’ persona – a False Self to replace it.
Narcissists are not in their bodies. It is far too painful to be there. The self-annihilating super-ego which is mercilessly battering the narcissist, with a crippled ineffectual ‘inner’ being destroyed by it, ensures horrendous internal pain.
This incredible inner fragility and insecurity is why the slightest trigger for a narcissist can lead to incredible reaction and narcissistic rage.
Narcissists are chronically insecure, and their egos (False Self) intensely personalise and create insane ‘stories’ around things that non-narcissists would not bat an eyelash at.
Many people believe that co-dependents and narcissist are ‘opposites’ and that is why they attract each other.
Even though on surface level that may appear to be the case (and I understand why it could appear to be so) I disagree heartedly.
We all live in an energetic world that is governed by Law of Attraction (like attracts like), therefore it is impossible for energetic opposites to connect.
It is not the surface ‘doing’ (strategies) that create attraction – it is the deep and powerful emotional belief systems.
Vulnerable people attract vulnerable people. All abusers are horrifically insecure. The abused are also.
Abused and abusers are really the two sides of the one coin – the coin of not being a Source to Self.
Obviously the most profound difference is that narcissists (the more damaged) don’t possess a conscience, whereas co-dependents who did not kill of their True Self, and construct a life through a False Self do possess a conscience.
So please don’t think in any shape of form I am using these emotional similarities to state you are a ‘bad’ person – because I know you absolutely are not!
My desire is not to shame you in any way (the narcissist did a great job of that), my purpose is to help you understand how to recover, evolve and heal and create a wonderful life full of Source – which is love, well-being and worthiness as a result of ‘coming home to yourself’.
In order to do this you have to get in your body. It has to be safe for you to be firmly in the driver’s seat of mastering being solid and ‘being with’ your emotions.
The Benefits of Being In Your Body
Firstly you will be able to feel ‘whole’ for no reason at all other than being connected to yourself – that is what Source well-being truly ‘just’ feels like.
And you won’t be triggered into powerlessness, fear and anxiety when ‘something’ happens in your life outside of you.
Rather than have your emotions triggered, controlled and throttled by things and people outside of you, your emotions will be what they were intended to be – powerful signals to honour, trust and create an authentic life for yourself.
Can you see that this very ‘separation from ourselves’ causes us to get derailed by narcissists?
It means we tried to gain ‘connection’ from the outside to ourselves, with another disconnected person (Law of Attraction).
Then we didn’t trust ourselves, we didn’t lay boundaries – and we got hooked in to ‘the outside’ – which meant trying to change and control the narcissist in order to try to stop our internal emotional agony.
Can you see that if you are in your body, and you are ‘whole and solid’ how that simply wouldn’t happen?
Can you see and understand that if you truly are in your body, and are connected to the well-being of Source that you can’t even possibly be a ‘match’ for a narcissist?
Can you see the different vibrational realities – that this person is not going to be attracted into your experience and you certainly are not going to be ‘attracted’ to that person?
In fact a narcissistic opportunity would not even enter your reality, because ‘narcissism’ would be a completely different vibrational Universe.
Can you understand that the ‘attraction’ was because unknowingly you and the narcissist were both not in your bodies, and you were so busy, capable and involved in everything outside yourself (generally looking after everyone and everything else other than yourself) that you didn’t realise this?
How to Get In Your Body
I hope I’ve convinced you that recovery is about getting back in your body. It is about being able to ‘be’ with your inner without going for anything outside of you to try to escape your own emotions.
I promise you – I know when feeling emotionally terrorised how incomprehensible that originally feels.
But I also promise you this – the sooner you make getting back in your body your vital mission in your life, the sooner you will heal, recover your life, and start creating your Real Life.
I’m going to share with you many ways to do this – and how I did this, and how I stay firmly committed to being in my own body in calm, peace, solidness and emotional wellbeing.
When I realised all of this, it was at a time when my emotions were incredibly painful. It was after the second narcissist.
Because of my understanding of what he was – the anguish was not about ‘him’, or losing him, or anything connected to him. Unlike the first narc there were no illusions of ‘love’ this time.
There was a relief to be finally out and know I would never mistake what he represented as love again.
However, I had shattered emotions. Trauma, huge emotional symptoms again, and obsessive reoccurring thoughts of the usual array of narcissistic betrayal, projections, accusations, adultery, false promises and pathological lies – all the normal symptoms of narcissistic abuse, and the knowing I had been ‘narced’ again.
I knew I was hugely separated from my inherent Source of wellbeing, and my ‘body’ (cellular subconscious / emotions) was not in good shape.
Simply climbing into my body and ‘being with it’ would have been like trying to create bliss within a Beirut war zone.
It just wasn’t that simple.
A great deal of ‘body work’ on releasing pain was necessary – to tone down the bombs going off so that I could get inside my body and stay there.
The method I used to release tons of pain as quickly as possible was Quanta Freedom Healing (the same processes that are in the NARP Program), which meant shifting out (and wailing out) the pain.
Daily I did this, often for hours at a time. Within weeks the pain has diminished considerably, and my mind was reflecting these changes, with far less obsessive thoughts. I got stronger and healthier as each day progressed.
But then I had to confront so much more than just the ability to get on with and out into life again. I had gone through recovery before, but I knew I HAD TO go a lot deeper.
After all I had fallen for a narcissist AGAIN – and how on earth did that happen?
I knew there were two main things – I still had Family of Origin stuff to clean up (which led me to create healings for this for myself, which I have shared with you in the new mini-program.)
Also I realised I was not a full, solid, anchored in Source to myself – even though I thought I was.
Second narc had shown me point blank I wasn’t.
I knew enough about Law of Attraction, recovery from narcissistic abuse and personal development to know there was no kidding myself.
I knew I had to take 100% responsibility in order to heal myself.
So this time I focused massively on getting into my body. This led to working on myself energetically and physiologically to get in the best possible shape I have ever been in in my life – Body, Mind and Soul.
I wanted more than anything EVER to truly create myself as a healthy Source to myself.
As well as the inner shift work, I got blood tests done, and discovered I was incredibly iron, magnesium and Vitamin D deficient, and possible had been for most of my life.
It is really important to understand that trauma and abuse wreaks incredible havoc on your body – your body dumps incredible amounts of ‘health’ when cortisol and adrenaline are coursing through your body.
Survival chemicals are meant to only operate for short bursts. The long term effects of these chemicals are disastrous for your wellbeing, and a huge amount of significant damage occurs. Sadly most medical practitioners only wish to advise anti-depressants rather than deal with your vitamin and mineral levels, or actually purging the toxic emotional pain.
It is vital to understand that the body / brain connection is absolute – with your ‘body’ being the most important thing you can work on. You need to be able to clear out the toxicity of painful emotions and also get your body cellularly into a healthy state for your brain to have its best possible chance to be healthy.
Deficient and / or toxic body chemistry equals depression and negative emotions, which of course only accentuates the separation from ‘being in our body’. If it is too painful and traumatic to be in our body this means we have no option other than to ‘look outwards’ to emotionally survive.
This is the total recipe for co-dependency and abuse.
I also sourced flower essences, and homeopathy and worked with remedies to assist in every way possible to support the deep toxic emotional purging I did with Quanta Freedom Healing, help heal my emotions, and make it as solid as possible for me to be ‘with me’.
I also do yoga DVDs every morning which are wonderful to stretch, open up, ‘be’ in my body and connect to the incredible Source of well-being that permeates ‘life’ in every moment of every day.
I also made a decision to create new and valuable friendships with like-minded people, and eliminated any remaining people from my life that I knew were not taking responsibility for their lives, and damaging others as a result.
I started creating green smoothies every day that were filled with organic produce, and super food supplements.
I gave up all addictive impulses, and continued to use Quanta Freedom Healing work to shift the big painful separated parts of myself that were emerging as fearful or in pain and causing the anxiety to try to find relief outside of myself.
That cycle had to stop, and every time it emerged I went ‘within’ instead. I do regular meditation and daily walking to ‘just be’ breathe and connect into my body as daily maintenance.
I truly can’t express to you how incredible it feels to be in my body.
I have to pinch myself regularly when I realise the difference between the Old Me and the New Me (the Real Me) – that whilst I was the Old Me I really didn’t know wasn’t functional.
Now I realise just how dysfunctional and ‘surviving’ and ‘existing’ I was.
The results of being in my body are huge. I am an energetic attraction for so much ‘more’ in my life. Things are unfolding that are miraculous. The people I am interacting with are at a higher vibration than previously. I feel powerful, safe and happy to expand out into life.
Because I feel so much more whole and solid, edginess, anxiety, emptiness and loneliness is gone.
Life is soooo completely different!
Truly being in our body is glorious and where it is at…
But we need to heal our body, release the toxicity and honour it to get in there and stay there.
It is impossible to be inside your body happily and healthily when it is clogged up with pain, trauma and toxicity – and this is why it is vital to let go and clear it out.
I hope this has given you some food for thought and solutions, and I look forward to your comments and any questions below.
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