It’s easy to let go of stuff we don’t want anymore. Like just the other day, I was happy to clean out all the wardrobes in my house and get rid of clothes that were worn to death or didn’t fit. I’m quite happy to delete phone numbers of people I once knew and no longer hear from and I am most definitely happy to let go of the people who are the owners of those numbers, or at least most of them.
But what about people, places and things that we do not want to let go of? And anyway, what the hell does letting go actually mean? Well I have discovered from painful experience and self discovery, that just because we don’t have these people, places and things in our physical lives any longer, does not mean we have let them go. Now to any remotely intelligent human, that fact comes as no surprise. Of course we hold on to the mental and emotional aspects of things that were once important to us, at least for a little while. But, and this is the crux of the matter, an alckie or addict will hold on to them tighter than a cowboy to a bull at a rodeo. Yep, even when we believe we have cleansed our soul of whatever connection with have to said person, place or thing we will find one day we still have our legs and arms firmly wrapped around the object unwilling to let go completely; because in some weird and unhealthy way, we are comfortable with it and let’s face it, it gave us a reason to drink or use or self harm in some manner with justification.
See for me, letting someone or something else take control is about as comfortable for me as sticking pins in my eyes…and then throwing salt in there. Yeah I HATE when things do not go my way or someone does not do what I want them to do. Indeed this is a character trait which is particularly troublesome for me and most other people who find themselves in recovery. Hell it took us many years to even contemplate that we had a problem with our drug of choice and were able to convince ourselves we were in control, so we are good at fooling ourselves.
So how do you know if you have let go or not? Well my therapist says that if someone has done something to hurt you in the past, and you can think of them without getting upset about whatever it is that they have done, then you have let go. You have separated yourself from the event, you have given them ownership of their behavior and you no longer feel victimized by that behavior. That makes total sense to me. There are some things I know for sure I have let go of, there are others that I’m in the process of letting go and indeed there are some I may never let go of completely. And such is life and being human in this life. I have learned that it is possible to let go of even the most traumatic events in our lives and the healing and freedom that comes with it is astronomical. It feels kind of like a huge elastic band that has been holding you hostage for years has finally been stretched so far that it breaks and you are catapulted forward to a place inside yourself you don’t even recognize.
But here is the thing. Sometimes not letting go can be advantageous. I’ve become a bit of hum dinger at holding onto stuff I know I can use in the future. Like for instance, with guys, they tell you stuff, and you hold onto that stuff perhaps not consciously exactly, but stash it away in that part of your brain that holds valuable information. I believe only girls are born with that part of the brain. Then at the very perfect opportunity the info springs back to the forefront of your mind when your significant other says something to displease you…and you’re like “well you said blah blah blah blah”….and the guy is like “how the fuck did you remember that and when did I even tell you that?”….and you’re like “oh you told me on this night on that date of that year?”
Ok so I guess that doesn’t really come under the same heading as letting go and letting God. In fact I think God needs women to have that particular superpower. However, God has given us a tool to remove from us resentment, hurt and pain. It’s called recovery: recovery from alcoholism, addiction, eating disorders, abuse, trauma, and anything else that may have been holding back your progress in life. We are encouraged to ask for help, we gain a new understanding of life, ourselves and other people. We follow a new path of truth and realize that everything happens for a reason; yes even the bad stuff. The bad stuff can sometimes become good stuff or at least useful stuff once our perception of it has changed. That is how powerful recovery programs are. We can heal anything if we are truly willing and life becomes one giant adventure if we just LET GO.
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