19th JULY 2011 – I AM BORN AGAIN! (S)

19^th JULY 2011 – I AM BORN AGAIN!

It was now like 1am and the Tour de France was on TV, so I watched a bit of it before going to bed.  I had a very restless and sleepless night although there was nothing in particular was on my mind.  I was up at 5:00am and felt strangely different and sent her the following message, not knowing why:

20^th July 2011 – Jake – I’m havin a sleepless nite (1^st 1 in a long time) but feelin lighter havin had a spiritual catharsis..thank u, my angel &….?

As the day progressed I felt strangely cleansed and my compulsive traits and addictions appeared to have dissipated. My voice was more confident and deeper. I was very emotional and just could not get Neytiri out of my head. Celine’s “My heart will go on” came into my awareness and I could not stop listening to it. It was a beautiful and succinct story of our life together.

I got very teary and over the next few days was awestruck.  I realised I had experienced a spiritual awakening as promised in the Big Book and Step 12 in particular.  Wow!  I had found GOD! Six months ago I was a confirmed atheist and here I was saved; a wretch like me, as the song Amazing Grace goes and that’s how I felt.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

My intuition appeared to be sharper and I connected the dots of the events from the faithful concert 23 years ago to date and again I intuitively became aware that Neytiri was my soul mate!  I did not even know the meaning of soul mate or ever dreamt that they exist in real life.  I always thought it was a concept created by Hollywood, so was surprised I could so emphatically conclude she was my soul mate.

21^st July 2011 – Jake – How I wish, how I wish u were here. We’re just 2 lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year, runnin over the same old ground. What hav we found? The same old fears. Wish u were here L Ish’llah

The above words, which I first heard 30 years or so ago, were always special to me and I did not know why, until now.

I had not heard from E since our meeting in May 2011. Today I get a call from him saying: “Jake, I felt it was intuitively the right time to call you.”  I thought WOW! He is in the loop on this as well.  How uncanny!

22^nd July 2011 – Jake -  I couldn’t let another day go without this. “My heart will go on” by Celine was written just 4 us. I’d like it 2 b our song! Listen 2 it whenever u need me & I will be with u 4ever! I can’t stop listenin 2 it & now know u r my soul mate & I hav nothing 2 fear. I can now release u…Ish’llah.

22^nd July 2011 – Neytiri – You’ve messed up my day. I can’t function.

22^nd July 2011 – Jake – I’ve been like that 4 the last 3 days! I can’t seem to get u (or Celine) out of my head. Let the music play on…

27^th July 2011 – Jake – I am because you are!

28^th July 2011 – Jake – let go and let God!

28^th July 2011 – Neytiri – Have a nice sleep. And what does k.a.n.k. mean?

28^th July 2011 – Jake – Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna! I’d like u to give me the English translation. I need to talk to u whenever u r ready. Let me know when.  Disappointed no pash recivedL

28^th July 2011 – Neytiri – Tomorrow would be good. Kids are on holiday, driving me nuts. I can’t seem to stay in the present and my mind is all over the place. I’ve never said goodbye.Pash.

28^th July 2011 – Jake – Don’t ever..Ish’llah’..Thy Will, be done!

29^th July 2011 – Jake – Hey babe..r u available in next hour? Phone or skype?

By now I had noticed major and dramatic changes in my life and was very excited to share with Neytiri my spiritual experience and awakening and so I called her.

What an anti-climax! I started telling her very excitedly what had happened to me and I felt like I was talking to a stranger.

I had sort of connected the dots from the beginning back to the concert, Tsu’tey’s email to me, etc. Incidentally, she was not aware that Tsu’tey had asked me to call her.  This just compounded her reaction even more.

She was like “What you going on about? I feel nothing for you and there is no love.  What is this crap about soul mates? Why would Tsu’tey ask you to call me? Maybe this is the end now, it is self-will, etc, etc”

It felt like I was kicked in the groin.  I was so disappointed.  Anyway, I told her I was grateful for all she had done for me and her role in my awakening whether she agreed or not and whether she was aware of the impact it had on me. Maybe this was the end of our relation and I told her it was such an anti-climax.  Anyway as we were talking the phone connection dropped off.

I was about to call her back but was feeling so disheartened and disappointed, I sent the SMS below:

29^th July 2011 – Jake – Sorry, got disconnected; couldn’t feel the love!

I was sitting in a dazed state and had this memory flashback of a time I visited them for the weekend and she was cold towards me and did not speak to me the whole weekend.

About 10-15 mins after the call dropped, I got a call from her and she said “I got your SMS and I don’t want it to end like this.” Anyway we talked for a while; I can’t remember what about but I did tell her about the memory flashback and told her I was not sure of the significance of it. She mentioned Tsu’tey’s mother is visiting and hence she will not be in a position to talk to me until the end of school holidays (4-5 weeks).

I told her I’m not sure what would happen in the interim but would pray for an answer.  If this was to be the end, so be it. After I hang up, I thought maybe she’s right and the experience I had on the 19^th July signified the end of our relation. I proceeded to delete most of the SMS I sent her so as to help in the healing process.

Over the next few days, I appreciated that she did not realise how the 12 step program works and did not know that a spiritual awakening was a probable end result, hence the SMS below.

1^st August 2011 – Jake – Hey Dork..I need 2 apologise & make amends 4 bombardin u with stuff beyond your physical realm….SORRY & forgive me.

3^rd August 2011 – Neytiri – I did tell you I’d have to come back lots of times. I told you I had a long way to go. You haven’t said anything that wasn’t true, so you don’t need to be forgiven.

4^th August 2011 – Jake – Ish’llah!