Most people that have been narcissistically abused are empathetic in nature.
It would not be unusual for you to experience an urge to help the narcissist, you may have even felt guilty because you haven’t been able to help heal him or her.
You may relate to the guilt of not staying attached to the narcissist and not seeing his or her healing through. (Please note: narcissists don’t heal).
If you have done self-reflection, it is likely that you will realise for much of your life you have sacrificed yourself in order to take care of others.
You also know how painful that pattern is – the pattern of being attached to others to try to help them grow and heal, whilst ignoring your own needs and emotional health.
The narcissistic abuse experience brings home a powerful message – which is: we are NOT here to take responsibility for those who are refusing to take responsibility for themself.
The narcissist is the epitome of someone unwilling to take responsibility for him or herself. He or she is defensive, uses avoidance and projects all of his or her inner damaged parts onto others. The narcissist is never accountable for his or her faults, weaknesses, mistakes or bad behaviour and instead shifts the blame onto you relentlessly.
By staying attached and feeling responsible, we allow the abuser to continue blaming and maiming us for behaviour that we were never responsible for.
You will have experienced when trying to help the narcissist, or trying to force him or her to take responsibility, that instead of him or her accepting and embracing these flaws, you simply got attacked, and your ‘dirt’ was thrown in your face (real or fabricated). You felt like you were going mad trying to explain basic human decency to an angry five year old.
This is exactly what happens in every dynamic of ‘trying to help someone who refuses to help themself’.
It is ‘lose – lose’ all the way.
People who take responsibility for others are not good receivers. They struggle to have healthy boundaries, speak up healthily about their own needs, have these needs provided, or to receive them when they are provided.
Individuals who suffer from being ‘empaths’ tend to take on other people’s problems and make it ‘their’ problem), and those of us with co-dependent tendencies, tend to focus on fixing and helping others rather than fixing and helping ourself.
This only enables and promotes the narcissist’s bad behaviour.
The irony is, in our attempt to help them (with the best of intentions), we don’t actually help them – because we don’t empower them to take responsibility for themself. And we certainly don’t help ourself.
(Mind you this applies more to non-narcissistic people, because narcissists don’t have the inner resources to take responsibility.)
It is only possible to be a healthy ‘empath’ when you exercise self-care and self-responsibility first.
The healing gift from this step is to release your tendency to helping others who are unable to take responsibility for themselves (including the narcissist), allowing them to continue on the journey they have chosen for themself.
This not only frees you up to focus on your own needs and self-growth, it also allows you to help support and nurture the growth in others who are willing to take responsibility for themselves.
As an ‘empath’ I will proclaim that this is one of the most wonderful feelings that life can present. Serving others who are willing to serve themselves, brings an inner joy and peace that is indescribable.
This is a powerful step if this has been a big issue for you – not just with the narcissist, but in many areas of your life.
After working through this step you will have the ability to create healthy relationships with other healthy individuals which promote win-win outcomes.
It also opens you up to receive genuine support and kindness from others.
Inter-dependency is the ability to have a healthy sense of self, and connect with other people who also have a healthy sense of self. This creates win-win outcomes and relationships that are not co-dependent or narcissistic in nature.
After completing step 6 you will be on your way to inter-dependency.
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