How To Show Up In Life To Best Support Yourself And Others

By Melanie Tonia Evans

I was reading one of Neale Donald Walsch’s recent books “The Only Thing That Matters”, and he spoke about a story of a man who was lost, walking down a country road, cold and hungry, and he saw a farm house in the distance.

As he walked towards it the conversation in his head was going something like this: “It’s late, the farmer will be annoyed about being disturbed. Maybe I shouldn’t bother him, he won’t be receptive.” By the time the man summoned up the courage to knock on the door he was in a high state of anxiety.

When the farmer opened the door the man burst out aggressively “Don’t shut the door and turn me away”.

Naturally that is exactly what the farmer did.

The moral to this story is powerful …

We all “show up” in certain ways in certain circumstances in life. And in certain circumstances we are not showing up in ways that grant life and other people a wholesome, healthy vibration which allows them to respond in supportive ways.

If we are showing up in certain areas in our life from wounded, unhealed belief systems we will always unconsciously generate exactly the experience that matches the wounds we are carrying. This will be absolute – and this is what “repeat painful patterns” are all about.

The more unconscious we are about these patterns, the more we have blind spots, believing life is happening to us, rather than realising our part in it.

This article is one that investigates how we may be showing up in ways that don’t inspire life and others to support us.

During this article I talk about the ways our ego can derail us, and suck us into outer delusions and illusions that keep us separated from the truth of “what is really going on.”

I hope that information will really allow you to understand the truth of how your thoughts and behaviours are generated from beliefs, and how believing it is an “outside deal” simply means handing our power away.

Most of all I hope I can assist you to foster your breakthrough, so that you can begin showing up in authentic co-generative ways in life.

Extreme Unconsciousness Regarding Our Patterns

The most unconscious approach is blaming life and others for the disappointing incidents.

Many abuse forums like to espouse total innocent victimhood. I have spoken about this time and time again … how that righteous model of “I am a good person with good intentions and gave my all” purports that things which did not turn out well had nothing to do with us.

This is the greatest illusion that gives all our power away.

How can we re-shape our life if we are merely at the effect of it, rather than being a generative component? How on earth can we not be powerless victims if we chose to believe that?

We can’t – we simply hold life and others accountable, hand all our power away and keep unconsciously playing out our patterns.

If we remain unconscious Life and others don’t step up – because they are only ever reflecting back to us ourselves.

I was so inspired when I placed a post up on Facebook, asking people to comment and ask questions about this topic. I am thrilled beyond measure that there is so much growth in consciousness with people in this Community. The people posting wanted to know how to address their blind spots in order to evolve.

I want to say a huge kudos to you for fully embracing being the generative source of your life.

Because this is such a powerful statement of taking our power back – inside us – which is the only place it resides.

When we do this we can start understanding life at an e-motional (energy in motion) Quantum Level. We recognise how wounds attract more wounds, and that if we have an activated pain body (fear and pain) that it activates other people’s pain bodies, as well as attracts people with large pain bodies (egos).

Hence was the case with the farmer and the man – the man’s fear triggered the farmer’s unsafe feelings – hence why he closed his door.

Our Ego’s Part In How We Show Up

When we are showing up from an unhealed, wounded centre we are unconscious – and in fact we may not realise how we are showing up in ineffective ways.

Our ego is running the show of our thoughts and behaviours (as it did with the limiting conclusions this man drew before he met the farmer) and then we pay the hefty price of life and others reflecting back to us in disappointing ways.

The results that come back at us – fully confirm our already existing painful beliefs.

How we are showing up is likely to be our “normal” we are trying to survive this pattern, often walking blindly into it, and doing life “the hard way” within it. We may be drastically over-complicating the issue, which is what our mind does when in trauma and trying to create solutions.

If we remain unconscious the illusions are powerful.

It looks like it is all going on via situations and other people.

That is not the truth – and not how Life unfolds itself through us.

It’s important to know this – our ego, our shadow self can only operate in the shadows; it can’t keep operating when we bring the truth up and out into the light.

Our ego is identical to narcissists, it’s the same energy. It loves to feed off pain and destruction – and when we have unhealed wounded parts that constitute a “gap” our ego loves to rush into these parts and play havoc with them.

Our ego loves projecting, scapegoating, and making “food salad” out of the truth. (Maybe you remember what happened when you tried to shine the truth on a narcissist, and how the truth was obliterated within the narcissistic three ring circus?)

Now, not for one moment am I going to suggest that you have the capacity to be as delusional as the narcissist, but the truth is your ego can make a pretty good job of avoiding the raw truth and coming up with stories that are way off track.

This is the truth about the man and farmer story.

This man was “showing up” like this because had the unhealed wounds of: “I am unworthy, invisible and insignificant.”

Now his thoughts (his ego) ran this version instead: “The farmer won’t be receptive, it’s too late, and he will turn you away.”

Did his thoughts say “Your anxiety is REALLY because of your subconscious wounds relating to feeling unworthy of attention and support?”

No – of course not, because then the game would be up.

Your ego doesn’t want that; your ego is a False Self. It doesn’t tell the truth – by stark contrast what it does is feed off pain, drama and sabotaging you.

(Remind you of someone else you know / knew?)

Now this is where I want to talk about another illusion – that the ego is a permanent part of our Identity that we always have to do battle with.

No! I vehemently disagree.

Why is our ego there? Many people believe it is so we can physically exist. I actually don’t agree with that assessment either, unless it is a fight and flee situation – life and death – when adrenalin is required in a huge dose.

What I believe is that we are perfectly capable of staying alive, and making great choices from a much higher source of awareness and wisdom – done from a place of calm and “oneness”, rather than reacting from the fear and pain of separation.

I believe the real purpose of our ego is evolutionary. It is triggering us and attacking us to make us go for light – in other words up-level these previous limiting, separated, fearful parts of ourselves in order to become our True Self state.

We are coming to a vital stage in human evolution that we can see the mess that unconsciousness and separation has caused, and we need to change. We need to do life a better way – one person at a time.

At the highest level of truth our painful repeat patterns and triggers are the inspiration to grow and evolve ourselves to break out of these patterns, and heal ourselves on a micro and macro level.

Within every “darkness’ is the greatest potential for “light”. This is another Quantum Level reality of how duality really works.

One lady posted in the Facebook Group: “I find my own ego is my biggest challenge. It knows us best and knows just what to say to me that causes doubt and misperception of my power and capacity to influence my life positively. Thus showing up without really believing the truth about myself and my worth. It’s a conscious intentional minute by minute effort to dismiss what the ego tells me and listen to myself that is connected to spirit that shows me the truth . I don’t think that ever goes away, but we need to be mindful of it and know the difference between the self-critic that lies and the beautiful truth of who we really are.”

I want to really address this – I actually did some months ago.

I wrote a whole article on this topic called: “The Difference Between The Ego and The Inner Child.”

I know that many of us accept(ed) that the ego is a constant part of ourselves that we need to deal with on a daily basis.

Yet, I don’t believe that our life is meant to be an ongoing battle with ourselves. That’s not evolution – that is staying limited.

The truth is the ego can only operate and have any voice when it has a wounded part of us to play with.

It’s a bit like lice and parasites thrive in mess and filth, yet when we clean up the environment they have nowhere to live, feed or breed,

The ego is the same. The more we up-level our young wounds, and the closer we get to our True Self state, the less terrain our ego has to “be” in.

This is our true solution to stop unconsciously battling with our painful repeat patterns, because there is no more ability to battle your ego than there is to battle with a narcissist.

All it does is feed unconsciousness.

How do we heal from narcissistic abuse?

By evolving our wounds beyond it.

How do we dissolve our ego?

By evolving our wounds beyond it.

In fact the less we focus on our ego (or the narcissist), and the more we focus on claiming the truth about our young wounds and evolving them – the narcissist(s) and self-critical thoughts just Will Not Be Our Reality anymore.

Since understanding the powerful truth of this, every day I purposefully up-level something in my subconscious. I needed to, because there was a lot of emotional real estate that my ego could throw a party on.

I still do this, because I am committed to have so much light in my body that there is less and less and less fear and pain for my ego to latch onto.

I can’t tell you the emotional freedom that happens when your ego is only left with enough energy to squeak rather than roar. 

And I’m glad it still makes noises, because when it does I say, “Thank you! You have just shown me another trigger to up-level, and for that I am so grateful!” And rather than suck me into a horrible session of self-condemnation and fearful powerlessness (the bait in my head), I drop into my body, feel around, claim the truth of the inner wound my ego is trying to attack, and up-level it directly from my body.

It’s a wonderful system that starves the ego constantly, and allows for constant and eternal personal expansion.

And I love how I move beyond the areas of life that I was self-sabotaging. My previously stuck areas now open up in miraculous ways.

There is no limit to how far it can go.

How To Become Conscious About How You Show Up

We know some things in our life just work for us. This has nothing to do with random chance. It means we have healthy inner belief systems on these topics.

Life matches us.

Therefore, when areas of our life aren’t working – the absolute 100% truth is we have inner emotional wounds presently sabotaging our success.

Now there are three ways we can approach this.

1) Deny all existence of any inner emotional wounds.

Immediately our egos have a HUGE “in”, because we have separated from the truth and disconnected from ourselves.

Now we are in delusion and illusions because Connection / Oneness is the only Quantum Level truth of Life.

The Ultimate truth is: “I am connected as a generator to every experience in my life; I am not separate from anything that has shown up in my life.”

Due to this disconnection from the truth, the ego gains access, runs amok in this terrain of “separation” and generates judgement, condemnation, blame, shame, resentment, vengeance, victimisation, powerlessness, worthlessness and any other nasty emotion that feeds the pain body.

Whether the thoughts are about “self” or “others” makes no difference, it all generates pain, powerlessness and more unconsciousness.

It’s like eating daily poison and expecting the other person to drop dead.

2) Being conscious of inner wounding and trying to show up differently within these wounds.

This is definitely a big step towards becoming conscious. Yet, trying to “change” how you show up won’t feel natural. In fact you are going against your grain.

The reason is because all thoughts and consequent behaviours come from beliefs. And it’s incredibly hard to create new behaviours from existing opposing beliefs.

The tendency will be slow progress, backsliding (like a snake and ladder game) and lots of blind spots that you struggle to make sense of, and an ongoing battle with your ego that is supplying you will all the false justifications and “evidence” of why the old painful belief is “so”.

3) Being conscious of inner wounding and working directly on your subconscious to up-level it.

This level of true consciousness is about bypassing the cognitive mind (ego) and going directly into your body where the painful false beliefs are stored, claiming and embracing them and shifting them out of your body to make space for your True Self state to enter.

As a result of doing so you are not merely attempting to change behaviours, YOU have changed which means that you will automatically and organically think and do the behaviours which match your now true and healthy belief systems on the topic.

The differences between these three choices are pivotal in how effectively and how quickly we can move on from beliefs and behaviours that aren’t serving us.

There is an absolute breakdown / breakthrough process that needs to be experienced. The old order must be deconstructed for the new order to be constructed.

In choice 1, we are experiencing constant breakdowns with no hope of breakthrough, because we refuse to accept the truth that will set us free.

In choice 2, we are experiencing painful breakdowns whilst trying to reach the breakthrough.

In choice 3, we are purposefully and powerfully midwifing the breakdown / breakthrough process, through energy work directly on the cause of the issue without trying to wrestle only with the symptoms.

The better we get at it – the more instantly we can create the breakthroughs.

Mine (like many other people’s) now happen in minutes. I am literally a different person that I was before that particular shift on my subconscious. We all have the ability with dedication and practice to do this. We are all naturally coded to do this when we know how.

The Ways We Can Show Up Which Don’t Serve Us

So many of us know what it was like (or still like) to be self-sabotaging ourselves.

I am so grateful for your comments and questions on my Facebook Page, and they are fantastic examples. So I really want to work with these …

I feel that the greatest awareness I can grant is the Truth – the real story that requires addressing – in contrast to the “story” the ego makes up whilst it is attacking the unhealed wounds.

Please find the chosen Facebook comments and my responses below.

Fearing Connection and Sharing

“I do want to connect, and although I have come a long way in my inner healing (regarding my ex narc), I still feel like there’s something fundamentally missing. However, although this epiphany came to me as a result of rising out of hell and no longer fearing it like before, I can’t help but SEE people in a whole new light. As a result, I’m not motivated to share my project because I don’t think most people are ready to truly take that inward journey toward self-awareness. Narcissism is an epidemic. I feel my heart breaking because of the overwhelming macro reality of it all.”

My response:

The true Inner Identity wounds are likely to be something like this:

“I am not safe in the world.”

“People can hurt me, manipulate me and violate me,” and

“I don’t know how to be authentically myself, look after myself and be a light that dissolves all darkness yet.”

All of these beliefs are very common after being narcissistically abused – I went through them too. These are in fact some of the core wounds that led a narcissist into our life in the first place.

They are incredibly common human beliefs that don’t serve us. 

When carrying them, we either have to contract, or if we risk “being in life” – life brings us the evidence of these beliefs.

When we haven’t yet up-levelled these fearful beliefs, this is a general idea of the “stories” the ego can create within the energy of these unhealed wounds:

“Narcissists are everywhere.”

“I am devastated at the evil and unconsciousness in the world.”

“How can I or anyone exist and be safe when there is so many bad people?”

Naturally the ego makes us believe we are powerless to the outside, which is a TOTALLY false premise.

We are only ever generating life in our experience (calling it forth, forming it – in effect “making it up”) in accordance to our Inner Identity beliefs.

Your “showing up” within the emotional container of these painful beliefs can only be contraction, guarding, distrust and fear. Because your body and mind is not open and flowing, opportunity to “the good” is snapped off – you don’t have access to it.

Rather than being effective in “being a powerful energy of authenticity” who trusts herself and clarifies and generates authenticity, you are more likely to draw in and “miss seeing” exactly what you fear.

Your fear stops you showing up in strong integrity, and speaking up – and you won’t trust your intuition or back yourself.

The true solution of course is to up-level the truth of what is really going on – the original painful beliefs.

Difficulties With Authority Plus Other Stuff

“I can see as I’ve gotten older and more aware that I definitely have an issue with bosses ie. authority. I hate being told what to do and I also find I’m never totally myself around these people. It’s like I walk on eggshells a bit. I also find I would like closer friendships however, I seem to only let people get to a certain point or closeness. Maybe it’s protection, and yes can relate to wanting success but I’m sure the ‘I’m not good enough’ sabotages it each time.”

My response:

You have named many of the true Inner Identity wounds.

They are something like this (in order).

“When others are in charge, I feel controlled and powerless.”

“If I am not in control I will be annihilated.”

“If people get ‘inside me’ they can hurt me.”

And / or

“If people really know me they may reject me and abandon me”, 

and

“I’m not good enough to be my mission in the world.”

There could be many variations of this last belief such as “People will think I’m not for real and attack me.” “I’ll be persecuted if I expose myself and expand.” “Others want to control me and rip me down.”

You are pretty conscious that these are self-generated beliefs, however there is the battle with the ego naturally because the wounds are still there.

The “stories” your ego would be telling you will go like this, and even though you are “conscious” at times, these stories could be highly compelling and would still derail you.

“That person is controlling / manipulative, unsafe, and doesn’t have my best interests at heart.”

“I have to watch what I say and do, or I will be attacked, devalued or tossed aside.”

“See these things about him / her? You know you can’t really let that person get too close”, and

“You can’t do this. You don’t have the ability, information or resources. Who do you think you are?”

Your “showing up” is of course within the container of fear, distrust, and expecting what you fear. You may even deliver pre-emptive strikes of detaching, pulling away or being “controlling”, trying to defend yourself from being controlled and hurt.

You behaviours may appear to others as exactly what you fear.

The true solution always, is to up-level the original young fears that are still stuck in your body – point blank.

Then it will all transform for you.

Being The Scapegoat

“Moving totally out of my assigned role as scapegoat would be my biggest need, and I am finding it so hard because family does not want that. Moving away from this role causes a great deal of upheaval in my family, especially my children. Next I do want closeness and connection but I seem to push people away which hurts a great deal. I want help with this.”

My response:

The true Inner Identity wounds would be something like this:

“If I don’t take responsibility for everyone else, I will be disposable.”

“I have to hand my power over to others, in order to be safe.”

“If I let people in they will use me for their own agenda like others have.”

“I am not worthy of love and support.”

Again, it is wonderful that you are taking responsibility, not orientated as the victim, and you want help with this.

The “stories” your ego could be blind sighting you with are:

“Don’t be a bad person – you know you should do this or that (guilt).”

“If you don’t do this or that, that person will not love you, (or will attack you).”

“You really are wrong and guilty.”

“People don’t trust, believe or love you. You are unlovable.”

You will have lived through many times of trying to prove your worth to people, and just being scapegoated more when you did. This is because within the container of these unhealed wounds you will have felt guilty, and unworthy, whilst trying to win approval and acceptance.

This has allowed you to be other people’s dumpmaster for them to project their own pain onto.

And then you would have acted out the anguish of feeling unloved, unsupported and made out to be wrong – despite everything you were doing to try to prove your worth.

We can’t “prove” our worth – we can only “be” it. Trying to prove it just generates more “unworthiness”. Trying to be “worthy” whilst suffering the guilt and anxiety that your ego will be generating is tough.

The true solution would be to directly address the false painful beliefs in your body. Then you would organically “be” worthy and detached from other people’s antics.

How others “are” in our experience matches how we “are” within ourselves. When you up-level your worthiness and self-esteem that is exactly how you will authentically show up, and how your children will start relating to you.

That is how the System of Life works.

Unavailable Men

“I would love for you to expand on reaching for painful love or longing type love as a block to your own creativity and self power. Unavailable men (either emotional or physical – such as married) keep being drawn to me!! They feel like an energy leak or road blocks.”

My response:

The true Inner Identity wounds would be something like this:

“If someone doesn’t commit to me fully I don’t have to risk being in a true connection.”

“I am not as yet emotionally committed to myself.”

“If I demand too much from someone (such as commitment) they will think I am demanding and leave.”

“I don’t deserve true love and commitment.”

In stark contrast to the truth, these are the stories that your ego would using keeping you locked in “being” in this pattern.

The voice of your ego may go something like this:

“Don’t qualify him – you will be too pushy and turn him away.”

“You need someone to feel whole and secure.”

And excuses … such as

“There are men that do leave partners for other women”, or

“Maybe he will want a relationship with me in the future, even though he is not ready now.”

The fact is you are drawing unavailable men in – because they Are Your Reality. There is a gap that matches your Inner Identity wounds for them to come into your space, and for you to “play” with the idea of them.

No assessing correctly and “going along” hoping for the best whilst not really knowing the truth about them is “playing with them”.

When you clean up the inner wounds that are generating “unavailable men”, then when the next one arrives (and he will because you need to show up differently), you will be straight up, you will stand in the deservedness of committing to yourself by qualifying him, and you will easily detach and let it go NOWHERE if he is unavailable.

Unavailable means: not interested in a committed relationship, personality disordered, attached to someone else, an addict, or someone who is even wishy washy in “what he wants” or evasive when being qualified.

And you will have NO attraction, disappointment or longing. In fact you will be punching the air with excitement – “I graduated! I showed up in my power!”

Then the pattern will be gone, and the almighty mechanics of Life will not need to supply you with these men anymore – as the vital purpose of cleaning up your faulty “commitment to yourself and deservedness” beliefs.

And your Inner identity will then have access to much healthier relationship potential.

But don’t try to “act this” it needs to be authentic.

It is only authentic when we have done the inner work on it.

Fear of Authenticity

“Fear that I’m not good enough, that if I do ‘show up’ I’ll be rejected, that’s things will never be okay. It seems authenticity is a turn off for many people, they live in their own personal little bubbles which makes ‘showing up’ seem meaningless. But we have to know that there are others out there who are full of love for life and truth and grace … please Mel keeping pounding out the hope that will keep us going and searching for these individuals who are authentic and love with no conditions, and hope that we can be authentic in our relationships back to them with no fear.”

My response:

The True Inner Identity wounds would be something like this:

“My true self is not acceptable.”

“If people see the real me they will reject me”, and

“It is not okay to be me.”

Naturally the ego loves to grab hold of these young unhealed wounds and create the outer stories of “people can’t do authenticity. They reject it, shut down from it, turn away from it or attack it.” The ego makes us believe it is an outer problem – but that is an illusion as there is NO “outside”.

There is only the turning up of situations and people that match our Inner Identity’s belief systems.

How you will be showing up within the container of these young inner wounds is not being authentic, and /or expecting people to reject you when you attempt to be.

Naturally the original belief systems do exactly what belief systems do – which is generate the validity of the belief to confirm it.

When you have authentically up-levelled the original painful wounds, and are anchored into being an authentic self, you will not have the fear and you will actually not give a toss what other people are or aren’t doing or do or don’t think – or even what their particular “trip’ is – you will simply be being yourself in life.

And this in no way means you will be arrogant, aloof or uncaring (separation), it will mean that you are loving, real and compassionate (connected).

This means that you are granting others (even previously unconscious people) permission to meet you at this highest level of vibration. You grant people permission to drop their masks and be their authentic self also. It means that people will elevate in consciousness just by bring in your presence.

It also means that you have no fear of people who wish to attack, because your light dissolves all darkness, and in no way would this be personal to you (you know and are shining Who You Are) and you would easily detach, have compassion and not give it a second thought.

Why would you when you are no longer reliant on approval, and when you are so busy shining and being you?

Rather than being caught up in the egoic outer illusion of “people can’t handle authenticity”, you will generate more and more people and situations that are authentic, as they are drawn into your orbit, and you will easily detach without granting any painful energy to those that aren’t.

This is how we completely reshape our personal world

It all starts from within.

It can only emanate and generate for real from within.

I hope this helps with knowing where your focus really needs to be, and how to tackle this.

In Conclusion

I hope this article has helped you understand why and how we show up the way we do, and how and why we get stuck in the ego’s projections of it being an “outside problem.”

Most of all I hope this article awakens you to the empowerment that lies within you – if you partner yourself, and if you midwife your own personal inner transformation.