Co-Dependency Check List

 By Melanie Tonia Evans

Because it is nearly the end of the year, I thought it would be great to reflect – to see where we are, and what progress we have made throughout the year.

As sufferers of narcissistic abuse we have all played out co-dependency … I used to be horrifically co-dependent!

Co-dependency can be very serious. It leads us further away from integration of self (authentic powerfulness) and takes us down a slippery slope of disintegration of self (powerlessness) – especially if we continue to hold people and things outside of ourselves responsible for the state of our lives.

If we do this, we are not going to have the value of “developing and healing ourselves to wholeness”, meaning we can’t and won’t obtain it.

And we tend to latch on to people and situations which don’t ease our fears, but bring the evidence of them instead.

A huge part of narcissistic abuse recovery, and ensuring you do not attract another narcissist into your life, is about releasing co-dependency and transforming into a healthier self.

This article is a two part series. They both are about information and solutions regarding co-dependency.

We have a lot to cover!

How Was Co-dependency Caused?

When I put up a Facebook post about this week’s post many people replied with this question.

“How was co-dependency caused? And questions like “Is it caused by low self-esteem?” And “What makes some people and not others co-dependent?”

I want to start off by explaining that low self-esteem is a symptom of the modelling of co-dependence, and that most of us, if not all of us, were programmed to become co-dependent to varying degrees.

The reason being is: we are all a product of a world that looks “outwards” for comfort and fulfilment. We were NOT taught to come inside and self-partner in times of stress.

Rather we were told to “Shut up and get on with it”, or that our feelings and emotions were “inconvenient” and “irrelevant” and therefore had to be ignored, repressed, shoved aside or switched off’.

As a result, we all became more and more disconnected from our emotional centres, and we tried to acquire stuff or people’s love and approval to stop the pain, and when that failed we took up addictions (self-avoidance mechanisms) to try to numb ourselves out from the pain.

Societal beliefs, unconsciousness, and the horrific programming of “Needing to get worthiness, value and approval, and love outside of ourselves” is all responsible for the dis-ease (yes it is a human disease) of co-dependency.

What we all need to realise is that narcissism and co-dependency is just different manifestations of the same levels of disconnection from self – the same state of unconsciousness.

The real difference is the co-dependent said “I will try to please you, so that you will love me and be my source of relief from my inner pain of being disconnected from myself” and the narcissist said “I will mine you and control you and take from you to get the relief of the inner pain of being disconnected from myself.”

The other major difference is that co-dependents can heal, and the narcissist invariably never will. I will go into this in more detail in Part Two …

We can understand that the root of all unconscious behaviour – being a victim or a perpetrator comes from the same emptiness, and the same dis-ease of being disconnected from self and living in the illusions that we are incapable and unworthy.

One of the greatest wounds disconnecting us from ourselves is the belief that it is somehow wrong and even blasphemous to believe we are powerful emotional Creators directly connected to Source / Life / God.

So rather than know we are a part of Source / Life / God organically, we took on the beliefs we are soiled, bad and unacceptable as we are. And rather than feeling like a loved and accepted child of God, we were infused with blame, shame and fear – believing we needed to conditionally gain approval, prove ourselves, repent, change, and be somehow different to be granted this connection …

The connection that we already are coded to have – and more than that – the connection that we already organically ARE.

That was the greatest “separation” illusion that led us into unworthiness, self-loathing, emptiness and handing our power over – often to people who do NOT have our best interests at heart – and absolutely cannot provide our true connection for us.

Our connection to our own Inner Being, solidness, self-love and self-acceptance is only between us, our own soul and Source / Life / God – directly without any outer substitutes.

Co-dependency is a spiritual disease. It is NOT a psychological issue, the psychological component is the symptom. It is an emotional issue, a soul issue.  The remedy does not lie in logical thinking. It requires a deep connection back to yourself and your true connection with Source / Life / God.

Until we know are at One with Source (and at the Quantum Level that is the absolute scientific truth) we cannot ever be at One with ourselves, others or this planet.

This is when we suffer the results of “disconnection” and we are not generating the Source truth of “wellbeing”. Rather we are granted by Source / Life / God the results of our free will choice of living in the illusions of “separation”.

Source / Life / God (which is the bigger part of the unseen you, that you ARE a part of) states “I love you so much unconditionally I will absolutely grant you more of what you are sending out as your emotional truth.”

“If you believe you are not adored and supported by me – I will grant you that.”

“If you believe you can never be good enough to be loved, secure and successful – I will grant you that also”.

If we are always backed into emotional corners of the desperation of not feeling loved, secure, worthy and whole – the TRUE reason why is because we have not established and embodied the truth – that Source and ourselves are One.

It means we don’t know that Source adores us beyond measure simply because we exist, and that we were born worthy of knowing we are loved and approved of.

When we are stuck in the emotional agony of disconnection from this truth (and most of humanity is) – we will try to gain love, approval and significance in all the wrong places.

Many spiritual minds speak of this truth and recognise it – because it is truth. The bottom line is the only pain we ever have in our life is the Spiritual Starvation from our True Connection – no more and no less.

Because everything in our life is generated from that.

If we knew and organically embodied that we are adored and approved of, would we need to tolerate people who didn’t genuinely reflect that? Would we need to hang in there for crumbs?

Would we feel so empty that we would make decisions and hand our power over in ways that hurt ourselves?

Would we try to mine from another in self-serving ways to get something from them to fill us?

Would people attack, harm, murder, invade counties, steal resources, or exploit others for greed and rape?

No – they wouldn’t – because they would know the deep Quantum Level Truth – we are all One. To harm another would simply mean harming yourself.

We would know we are ALL equal, worthy, and loved aspects of Source, and we have no need to play games of “separation” and “me versus you” to try to win and get love and worthiness.

What is there to “get” and ”take” when we already are it?

What fear would we have of people “taking” it and “getting” it from us if we knew it JUST IS?

And wouldn’t we deeply “give”, “share” and “support” when we irrevocably knew “You are Me – I am You.”

The greatest ridiculous illusion that man has created in order to create “separation” is that somehow our authority God (Creator Of The Universe itself) is needy, has requirements and employs conditional love that if not met generates vengeance and punishment.

This defies all sensible logical …

“All That Is” needs nothing – “All That Is” already IS! What on earth could it require?

Healing co-dependency is all about this – healing this false premise of disconnection that has not just ripped our own emotions and lives apart, but has effectively torn humankind apart.

We can heal this – truly – one person at a time.

How Do We Make Sure Our Children Don’t Grow Up Co-dependent?

The true answer is counter-intuitive to what you may think.

Rather than try to do anything about your children – let go more …

Which means stop trying to control, lecture and prescribe, fix and keep them safe.

The most powerful way you can empower your children to not be co-dependent is by healing your own co-dependency. Because then you will be comfortable and even keen to let them make mistakes, face the consequences of their actions and grow.

And rather than blaming and shaming them for their mistakes (because they are triggering your expectations of them fraught with the conditional love you learnt), rather, by example you will teach them that they DO have the resources to be personally responsible, work it out, self-soothe, forgive themselves and develop their own 
wisdom and growth.

The biggest mistakes parents make (and I was totally guilty of this) is to try to force our children into behaving a certain way … “If you would just DO that I can feel better”, and pass it off as being “good for them”.

This is not to be confused with boundaries. Boundaries are great with children, they set limits and bring about personal responsibility. They teach this: “If I make certain choices there are consequences.”

So for example, if you have set a limit, and you mean “No” don’t argue, lecture and prescribe. Deliver the consequence – such as “No PC for two nights” and then get on with your whole and empowered life.

Mean the boundary and follow through without the fight, guilt or back down.

Another boundary may be “When you are ready to talk calmly and respectfully I can help” and mean it. Walk away from disrespect, get on with your existence and don’t pander to emotionally abusive behaviour.

Then let go and allow your children to make mistakes and learn from them – because that is the way they can grow and develop into solid, effective mature human beings – empowered in life.

Don’t interfere with that happening for them.

And absolutely model for them limits and model healthy boundaries yourself. If they see you being a powerless victim not taking control of your own life, especially if you acting out powerless and victimised blame and shame, they will model it – they will attract and do exactly that in their own life.

Or worse still, they will become perpetrators, because they believe by your example “The only way to not end up as weak and powerless as Mum (or Dad) is to strike first”, and” I am so unsafe now because of my parent being taken out, that I have no choice.”

You may think your powerlessness compels them into compassion and not doing to others what has been done to you, but that is NOT how emotional energy manifests. It creates “more” of whatever it is. Your ongoing victimised pain can only manifest pain, wounds and scarring for your children in their lives – point blank.

Many, many narcissistic children are manifested from the dynamic of the narcissistic parent with the other parent remaining in powerless victimisation.

I have seen this pattern more times than I want to recall. As far as I am concerned it is THE recipe that creates the MOST narcissists – and I HOPE that is a huge wake-up call for you if you are determined to hold on to the victimised model.

I promise you, it is one of the most powerful reasons why I am so passionate about healing people FROM the victimised model … Because we are never going to heal our planet of narcissists until we do – it will never die out, they are simply going to keep spawning.

In stark contrast, if your children see you drop the co-dependency of powerless victimisation, not only are they more likely to come towards you (rather than turn against you narcissistically), they will see within you the modelling of becoming empowered and grateful for the development and gifts that you have received from these lessons.

How do you want your children to emerge from the inevitable hard lessons of life? As victims? Or as expanding developing beings becoming even greater and happier as a result of them?

I think the answer is obvious.

When you become personally responsible and take on your own development, your children will respect you, admire you and love you even more for who you have become. In fact this creates the most glorious connections with your children than you could ever imagine. Authenticity and personal responsibility is one of the most attractive, and potently lovable traits we could ever adopt – children pick up on it intuitively, energetically and emotionally.

And this happens without you doing anything to make them “get it” – they just do, and they start expressing it in their own lives.

Some of the people in the Facebook Group expressed their feelings of “over-responsibility” that are hard to shake.

Feeling responsible for everyone and taking on the enormous burden of “having to fix” is created in our childhoods. The message we received goes like this: “Unless other people are happy I am not safe”, or “If I don’t give everyone what they want I won’t be loved or taken care of”, and so forth.

We can all do the “logic” around this until the cows come home – but the absolute truth is: until we find these affected young wounds and up-level them (transform the inner belief to something more healthy) they will continue to drive our lives.

The strategies we developed to “survive” at a young age, are deeply unconscious and very powerful, and continue to play out as adults – until we heal them.

How Do We Know If We Are Being Co-dependent Or Not?

Some of you will remember this list from last year’s post and some of you will not.

Regardless, I would love you all to answer these questions and share how many you answered “Yes” to.

For those of you who did last year’s checklist you can compare to how you did last year. And for those of you who are new to the blog, or didn’t do it last year, this is a good chance to start reflecting and seeing what changes you still need to make regarding co-dependency.

Please know that you can always remain anonymous.

• Do you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think about you?
• Do you try to impress other people and make them happy so that you can be happy?
• Do you often analyse other people’s lives?
• Do you get distressed by bad things that happen which are out of your control?
• Do you say and do what you think other people want you to say and do?
• Do you try to control other people’s behaviour so that you can feel okay?
• When an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’ do you spend time analysing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking?
• Do you find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when you feel uncomfortable?
• Do you blame other people for the way you feel?
• Do other people’s moods bring your own mood down?
• Do you immediately think of someone else who needs this information more than you?
• Do you seek and listen to other people’s opinions rather than seeking and listening to your own?
• Do you obsess over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings?
• Do you hang on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better?
• Do you often feel selfish, guilty or ‘what a waste of time’ when you do something nice for yourself?
• Do you often say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’?
• Do you struggle to listen to your own feelings and go along with other people’s feelings?
• Do you give a lot of yourself to other people, even if they don’t ask, and then get upset when they don’t do the same in return?
• Do you try to fix or change other people to be who you want them to be?
• Do you try and help or fix others who don’t take responsibility for themselves?
• Do you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own?
• Do you avoid taking charge of your own life, and / or creating your own happiness in the hope that someone will provide it for you?

Maybe, if you did the list previously,  you are are really happy at the improvement in your score now. Or maybe you know there is more self-transformation work to do.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter where you are at – because it’s a starting point – as every moment is. And in this moment of now, you can now start awakening and “seeing” what you couldn’t see before.

This was some of the questions on the Facebook Group “How can I be aware when I am acting co-dependently? Why are there times that I am struggling to see it?””

The truth for all of us is, when we are stuck in either the illusion “Life happens to me from the outside” or “I am so damaged and broken that there is no hope for me” (which are both victim stories) we are unconscious – we don’t “see” what is really going on, or how to deconstruct the reasons why we are doing this.

We have no ability to align with our True Power, which means evolving past this pattern.

This is how I used to “do life”– go from one painful incident to the next, ignore all the “signs” Life and others reflected back to me, and keep fumbling along (usually with the use of addictions to self-avoid the pain) – that was until I had no-where else to go other than inwards to find the truth.

Also, when we try to work out negative emotion logically, rather than creating a loving self-partnering relationship with our Inner Being, – we are in “blender brain” and only confusing matters further. We are also usually engaging in all the thoughts that don’t help us – ones that only injure us further.

“Thoughts like “What is wrong with you? Stop being pathetic!”, or “I’m going to eat that piece of chocolate cake, I need it”, or “So and so is horrible because of what she said. How dare she?”, and “Why on earth am I so over-sensitive and stupid? Godsake get over it!”

None of that helps. What DOES help is connecting with that young vulnerable part of ourselves, which will reveal what this is really about, as well as grant us access to up-level it – if we are prepared to go inside ourselves  and be real, vulnerable, supportive and self-loving.

So in a nutshell, how do we know that there is something co-dependent going on in our life?

The way we know is we have negative emotion …

We feel fearful, empty, panicked, needy and powerless. These are the indicators. This is the answer and the ONLY answer.

When we feel painful emotion, often what we do is try to grab or do something outside of ourselves to relieve these painful feelings – but this is just kicking the can down the road … and the problem just gets more cemented and bigger. Our neuro pathways just became more hardwired onto “self-avoidance” which causes further separation (disintegration of self with self) rather than integration.

When self-avoidance doesn’t help (it is only ever temporary relief followed by deeper plummets into pain) then “obsession” kicks in. This is the use of our limited logical mind which can never be the substitute for deeply connected to our emotional inner self. Obsessing doesn’t bring solutions and only creates self- abuse. It was never a solution.

When our greatest desire becomes the desire to develop and evolve ourselves, we know two things. I) That negative emotions signals to us “something within us is not aligned”, and 2) Life / Source / God and our Soul is always connected as One delivering us the exact matches of our emotional connection or disconnection with Source.

Therefore when “bad” stuff happens this always means there is some part of our woundedness (internal separation) behind it.

So really, all we need to understand is that co-dependency is going to show up as emotional triggers and life disappointment. Then all we need to do is avoid the dire traps of self-avoidance and obsessing, and come inside to ourselves to self-partner, investigate and heal.

Then we DO break free from that co-dependent pattern – often instantly.

The Connection Between Poor Boundary Function and Self Abandonment

One of the Facebook members wrote a post wanting to understand more about “Setting boundaries and self-abandonment”.

It is easy to understand, that when we have not yet healed the internal pain and fear that is synonymous with co-dependency, we are going to struggle with boundaries.

As co-dependents we are struggling with self-love and self-approval – so naturally the people who we are hooked on trying to provide us with love and approval can disarm us very easily.

No matter how much they hurt us, it is really hard for us to hold the line and say “No more”. In fact we will sell out that line to try to keep them as a source of love and approval rather than back ourselves and forego these people.

After all we don’t believe we can be these resources to ourselves.

This is where self-abandonment comes into play.

I used to be the classic case of self-abandonment – making decisions to avoid going “empty” that were so self-destructive they nearly ended my time on this planet.

In fact I was sooo desperate to have someone outside me heal my pain, that I completely abandoned my own safety and care – and I know many of you reading this will be able to relate.

True empowered boundaries mean: “I love myself and I know my truth. I know who I am, and I will not compromise myself anymore. You have a choice to be in my reality of meeting this higher vibration. If you don’t – that’s okay – I’m not in anymore regardless of the consequences. Because in no way is the correct and healthy development of my life dependent on you making any particular choice, or even understanding what I need. You are NOT my source of self – I AM!”

Now of course we don’t reach this level of conduct until we have done the work on ourselves to get there, and naturally the work is about finding and up-levelling the young unhealed parts of our Inner Being that are still hooked on “You HAVE to be the source of me, because I can’t be that to myself”.

It is true, as children we couldn’t be a source to ourselves, we were entirely co-dependent. We were powerless and vulnerable, and if we haven’t healed and up- levelled these young parts – which means self-developing and growing them lovingly and supportively up – they still affect us, regardless of knowing better logically.

I promise you the painful aspects of our life are not being created logically, and they can’t be solved logically.

For this reason boundary function and co-dependency are hugely enmeshed. Being an effective boundary setter absolutely requires healing co-dependency, because unless that has been worked through you can’t know your limits as truth, you will be easily talked out of them, and any abuser can easily pick your gaps to get you to hand your boundaries over.

It is a huge illusion that anyone can have their boundaries crushed by a narcissist.

That is just NOT true … We can only have our boundaries crushed when we don’t know personal rights, when we don’t have the ability to speak up and risk rejection, criticism, and abandonment, and when we can’t hold the knowing of the truth and approval of ourselves REGARDLESS of what other people choose or do.

I promise you there are people who learnt this organically as children, because REAL unconditional love (more on that later) self-love, self-respect, and self-resources were modelled for them.

We weren’t those lucky ones, but we are no longer powerless children. We can face these young wounds, and we can take responsibility for them and heal them.

Boundaries can get very confusing – and that is when we are still stuck in some young wounds.

One Facebook member wrote “I’m not responsible for other’s “stuff” and need to focus only on what I am here to do and be, as well as not releasing my power to a “user”. But also, I need to respect other’s boundaries that they deserve the option to find themselves and evolve as their true, authentic self. I have no way of knowing what others are. It really is a struggle to internalize this concept.”

The answer to this is also counter-intuitive – it may not be what you expect,

Part of our job is never to try to guess what other people’s rights are – we can only ever be responsible for the implementation of our own.

This means we stop trying to work people out, and we free ourselves to be ourselves – which never means trying to make people be or do something a certain way. There is a huge difference between stating “Don’t do that it really annoys me” (crossing a boundary) instead of saying “I really need some peace and quiet to get this done … could you please help me out by being quiet for a little while?” And if not – then remove yourself and create your own “quiet”.

The first reaction (and we know we are reacting because we are triggered) will be a young wound activated from childhood; something like “My needs are never important” – hence why the aggressive reaction.

So when dealing with others, if you are triggered you need to heal the original wound, otherwise you will show up treading on people’s boundaries.

We can never be authentically ourselves by trying to work out other people’s moods, needs and desires. The more authentic we become with our own Inner Being, the more honest, loving and authentic we become with others.

We start living by the credo of “Neither of us are mind-readers, we are doing our own journey from the inside out – we are responsible for our own connection with Source and wellbeing and then sharing that.  So if you need something from me I give you full permission to speak with me honestly and lovingly about your feelings and what you need, and I grant that permission to myself too.”

This conversation on boundaries now brings us to this part …

The Most Empowering Co-dependency Story I Have Ever Heard

I love this story, and have often thought of it – and the reason I am sharing it again is because one the Facebook Members suggested I did.

I loved the idea – because this story explains co-dependency point blank.

Here goes …

I want you to imagine some seedy character knocked on your door with a greasy pizza, and he said to you “I am going to give this pizza to you for free, but that means you and I have to hang out and you need to do exactly what I want.  If you agree I will bring you free pizza every day.”

Now imagine you were starving – and you had been completely unable to produce food for yourself.

You might just submit. You might just think “OMG I have to eat – I am so empty, I’m dying! There may not be another opportunity to get relief from this empty, dying feeling … For now at least I have to take this offer up.”

So you do …

Of course the results of that would not be good!

Now imagine if you had a fully stocked kitchen and you had been preparing and creating delicious and nutritious meals for yourself for quite some time, and this seedy person knocked on your door with this offer.

Of course you would say “No way!!”

Why would you say “Yes” if you already were a healthy source to yourself?

From this story we understand a couple of things – that if we believe someone else is going to take our pain, fear and emptiness away, we are HIGHLY susceptible to being manipulated and abused, because we are dependent on this person for vital emotional components that we are not as yet providing for ourselves.

We can also understand “hungry people make the worst shoppers” – they choose junk food. They choose the quick fix that will give them momentary relief, but will leave them even unhealthier.

This is the ABSOLUTE explanation of the following posts that members posted …

“To end up in bad relationships with no boundaries. I feel like I have been searching for that comfort, that safe place to fall my whole life … and each wrong place I have ‘looked’ has made the void more present.”

“I relate to what you are saying. It’s like the whole relationship has forced me to nurture me and not him. To love myself. This is hard for me to admit that I need others affirmation in order to love myself.”

This happened to all of us –because we did NOT have a fully stocked inner kitchen. We had not healed and developed our inner young wounds enough to have a direct relationship with Source and ourselves.

Conditional Love

I loved the suggestion from a Facebook Member to discuss “conditional love”.

Conditional love goes like this: “If you could only find a way to be ‘different’ I could find a way to love you.”

Conditional love goes against EVERYTHING that our True Self knows – which is “All of Existence adores me unconditionally simply because I exist.”

Think about this … someone else’s “conditions” or approving of you may not be healthy for you – and no matter how much you twist yourself into a pretzel to appease this person by “being a certain way” you have no ability to heal this person’s essential relationship with themselves – which is REALLY where their negative emotion is coming from.

This brings us a vital understanding – if we were brought up with conditional love we learnt the message “YOU are wrong”, rather than “What you are doing is not working given what you would like to achieve.”

So we became detached from our own worthiness, and rather than live through the natural Laws of cause and effect and self-discovery (which is how we realise we are directly creating with Life and what our True Power is) we were pulled out of this “connection” and forced into all sorts of ways to try to gain approval from others by trying to “be” their agendas that would stop them feeling emotional pain.

And in the process rather than gain self-actualisation, instead we suffered guilt, pain, shame, and even self-loathing.

We may have tried “everything” to appease people’s demands in order “to be loved”. We may have tried everything to fix all of the problems “to be loved”, we may have even sold out our soul, our dignity and our health in order “to be loved”.

It didn’t work. Not for us, OR for them.

Hopefully we have realised that no-one can grant us the love and worthiness that we are not granting ourselves no matter how much we jump up and down trying to earn it.

Naturally, if we have been brought up with familial, societal and global beliefs of requirement, punishment and being damned to oblivion if not doing what is required for others to love and accept us, we are also going to adopt a very conditional model of loving ourselves.

This makes it incredibly difficult to not beat ourselves up and blame and shame ourselves when times are tough, or when life is not working out the way we demanded of ourselves it needed to, in order to feel worthy.

So of course … why wouldn’t we try to run away from ourselves and find someone “loving” to help, when all we get from ourselves is damnation, accusations, criticism and nasty low blows?

Where did we learn to talk to ourselves like that?

Look around you at the world!

And then we are in total despair when we find “Damning, accusing, criticism and nasty low blows” from other people.

Why does this happen to us? For one reason only – because that is the template of our life being generated from the painful separation we have with ourselves.

Some people asked on the Facebook Post how to forgive ourselves, and not be horrified about our patterns, and also why don’t we stop our co-dependent behaviour no matter how hard we try to?

The truth is we can NEVER blame, shame, abuse and criticise ourselves into wellbeing, and new healthy behaviours.

This is another disastrous model our world has perpetuated. The Catholic Church’s take on “the disgustingness” of sex is a prime example.

What happens when we beat ourselves up about being overweight? We go to the fridge for a thicker slice of chocolate cake.

What happens we are hard on ourselves about being co-dependent and watch ourselves like a hawk? We find ourselves doing theses co-dependent behaviours even more compulsively.

What happens when we think we are “bad”, “defective” “not good enough” “unlovable” or “inadequate” … we do all the things that prove ourselves to be right!

This is the one and only reason you keep doing what you don’t want to do! You are hurting yourself with conditional love, and because your Inner Being KNOWS this is NOT love; you feel rejected, abandoned and unloved by yourself, and so naturally you are going to go for the “addiction” or “quick fix” that you compulsively grab to try to numb out the emotional pain of that.

This is the VERY crux or the ridiculous perpetuated illusion. “If you are told you are loveable and worthy you will NOT do the right thing!”

THAT is the blasphemy!

How on earth would people who feel whole, loved, worthy and approved of behave?

Like whole, loving, healthy people … that’s how!!!

How would they relate to others?

Lovingly and healthily …

What would they recognise in and generate with others?

Love and wholeness!

Truly as I shake my head at the horrific hypocrisy of what we have been taught for centuries – I rest my case …

A five year old knows this OBVIOUS truth more than the so called “grown-ups” on our planet!

Until we learn TRUE unconditional love – which is “I 100% unconditionally love and accept EVERY part of me, including all my defects” – we have no hope of integrating into wholeness. And there is no way we can truly love others or accept true love from others either.

It ALL starts with self first …

How do we heal the destruction of “conditional love”, which has been a huge force creating both co-dependents and narcissists.

Give it up – that’s how.

Stop thinking our life is based on “conditions” in order for us to feel whole and good, and for goodness sake we have to give up the insane belief that “I can only love myself when I get, do, have, achieve …” because you will never, ever get there.

There is only ever the moment of now – that is where our power lies, or not – and we will never be “love” living by conditions that only create more shame, blame, unworthiness and defectiveness (separation from Self).

Do you understand?

You need to do all that you can to love and accept yourself RIGHT NOW. That is your biggest mission that starts to sort out your entire life.

We also have the massive issue of accepting “what is” right now …

Often we are in deep regret and self-recrimination. “I wish that never happened. I wish I didn’t do that, and I wish I did it better.”

That is resistance to “what is”. That is not seeing the gift and the bigger picture of what happened to you, and it means you are not evolving … you are dissolving.

There comes a time when we need to accept that what happened was meant to happen. In fact we needed it to happen in order to evolve.

When we are stuck in “conditional living” and all the other manic human ideas that keep the pain going – we think that life is just about “getting stuff to feel good”, we don’t realise that feeling good is our innate organic coded natural state when we lost the pain of separation and all of the insane illusions.

If you are still in regret, and still beating yourself or others up, you have not yet got the gift of the lesson; you haven’t taken the opportunity of development seriously.

You have not realised yet that the greatest joy, desire and freedom that YOU want with all your heart is your own evolution. Because then FINALLY you will know in every cell of your body that you just ARE love, joy, worthiness and freedom without conditions.

That is what being FREE in life means. Then stuff, things and achievements are simply generated by an outpour of more joy and inspiration. No longer are they a futile attempt of trying to fill a hole of emptiness and pain – they are simply more Creation.

As you can imagine the Creation part gets so much easier – because it is NOT conditional.

Truly we can’t heal and progress until we accept “what is”. For me, and I know this is the way through – it is about accepting “This happened to expose my unhealed parts so that I could heal and FINALLY be free of them” …

It is the pure acceptance – “There are no mistakes here, and I need to forgive myself, forgive life, forgive God and all the players involved and accept it as a blessing in my life.” (which it truly is).

And … “What I think I have lost is NOTHING compared to the Life, Self and Truth I will gain … I am going to gain my True Self, my True Connection and my True Life. What an incredible gift to come inside and start aligning with this!”

Then (this is the best part) – emotional beingness, states of self, and opportunities open up in spectacular ways – things that you could NEVER have accessed previously.

So … what brought me personally to that level of acceptance, and why do I stand for it so much with others with the topic “narcissistic abuse” that is SO fraught with victimisation world-wide?

Because I researched scientific facts; I understood pure and simple Quantum Physics – knowing that whatever emotional state I decided to be in caused chemical reactions and brain neuro pathways that formed my perceptions of the world, created how I showed up in the world, and determined who I would attract in the world.

Naturally it is not just about “deciding” to stop victim perceptions (maybe some incredible people can flick a switch – I couldn’t), so for me it was the knowing that “acceptance of the gift” was the state I needed to reach for, and I had to do all I could to purge my body’s traumas of victimisation to organically be it – without the struggle.

It worked ..

Then I became grateful beyond measure that it all played out the way it did, and I mean that genuinely … there is nothing I would change – because all of it was “perfect” given what my soul wanted me to evolve towards and the joy that comes from that.

The same is for all of us, regardless of “how” the circumstances look.

So I really want to say to you – if you are still in regret and blaming yourself, or being hard on yourself for repeat slips … look at it differently. Know you could not possibly have had the tools and wisdom before this happened, you just didn’t have them – and your old models may not have helped you embody these tools because they were unconscious too, as were their parents and so on and so forth.

What we all need to do is realise we are living in exciting times – we are right at the leading edge of WAKING UP – we are at the tipping point and we can all be a part of this Universal Shift Back To The Truth if we drop the regret, and embrace what happened in order to “get that” with both hands, and be really grateful for it.

Can you imagine how special it is at a soul level to choose to be here at this time – choose to meet our wounds full on, and choose to help the awakening of consciousness that is so desperately needed for humankind – which includes or children and our children’s children.

The buck CAN stop here.

There is no mistake that you are participating in this awakening.

We are ALL powerful teachers and healers – so the real question is: “What are we teaching, and what are we healing?

How Fear of Co-dependency Makes New Relationships Difficult

A Facebook Member wanted this topic to be a discussion, and it is a very good topic to discuss!

In regards to forming a new love relationship (and relationships in general) we may be terrified of attracting an abuser. We may be fearful of falling back into our old patterns of ignoring our internal uncomfortable feelings, not speaking up, handing over our power, losing ourselves and becoming totally hooked and dependent on someone again.

All of this is accentuated if we are still in the belief “I need someone other than me to survive, be loved, and feel worthy”… (and this may just be subconscious).

But what if we were to take on the orientation “The most important thing in my life is the self-development of my relationship with the True Source?”

And what if we welcomed the development opportunity to speak our truth, show up differently and become the most authentic person we could be non-dependent on others having to confirm that we are lovable and worthy?

Would this mean being a horrible person?

No! it would mean that you are going to be lovingly honest, you will explain how you feel instead of projecting it onto someone, and you will become a generator of a life aligned with your Inner Being.

In effect you will start generating a life that reflects back to you “healthy self-respect” and you will easily detach from people who try to manipulate you out of that healthy self-respect, knowing there is plentiful healthy resources available between You and Life … because there is!

Is a very happy day when you show up authentically and observe someone not unauthentic WITHOUT The emotional triggers of pain of “loss”, “despair” or “emptiness”, knowing in no way does this person need to be “anything” to make you happy. If they are not your reality, bless them, have compassion that they are not “awake” yet and move on.

Naturally, you have got to drop deeply inside, self-partner and investigate, claim and release the fears that are holding you back from new relationships (which includes many others – not just love relationships) so that you CAN show up open-hearted, in your power and know if someone has no desire or resources to join with you at this high level of authenticity, that it’s perfectly okay and you are still you regardless. .

You also know that you will not be so hungry and needy that you will throw yourself in off the deep end to try to escape the inner pain. You will take your time to get to know people sensibly before bearing your soul, home, body, life and money.

You can remain solid within all the way – blessing everything that turns up in “relationship” knowing your soul, and Source / Life / God is orchestrating everything you need to grant you the vital feedback to evolve yourself.

If a “bad” person turns up and it triggers emotional distress, we can ask ourselves “What parts of myself still believe I’m bad?”, and “What fears do I carry about being taken in by bad people?” and “What parts of me have not yet realised that the powerful light of my own authenticity sourcing directly from Source dissolves all darkness?”

Keep checking in to why you are pursuing (or not pursuing) new relationships. Is it to grown and experience more of your truest and highest potential, or is it to try to fill a void of the pain of feeling unloveable and unworthy?

If it is to fill a void, then there is still the necessary development between You and Source that no one else can fill as a false substitute.

So … I hope all of this passionate and deep account has helped you understand the truth of Co-dependency.

One of the biggest healing steps of co-dependency is the bringing of our shadows (self-rejection) out into the light – exposing the parts of ourselves we normally turn away from.

So I would love YOU to be a part of this essential movement, by answering the co-dependent checklist above and sharing your score. And please write about anything and everything else you would like to say about your personal journey with co-dependence.

This creates a powerful healing container not just for you, but for everyone who will read this article.

Because We Are All One …

In this time of incredible human emotional evolution, we can all wake up to a much higher truth – that if we try to achieve our wholeness from false substitutes outside of ourselves we are always going to come up empty, no matter what we strive to get or experience.

We are all shifting out of looking outside, in order to become love and acceptance internally, unconditionally and realising from this platform of self-integration, then we can expand and become “more”, whereas if we start off with internal separation then everything we try to grasp is only going to accentuate the experience of “less”.

Many of my personal clients and NARP members are presently accessing very deep internal wounds and the subsequence shifts, which are reversing the beliefs of “separation” and “unworthiness”. These are the core beliefs which have caused the powerlessness so many humans suffer. These are beliefs such as “I am always alone”, and “I can’t look after myself”.

These are the human illusions about not being connected to “Oneness”; the beliefs that Source / Life / God does not have our back, is not devoted to us and that the biggest energetic Quantum Level of ourselves is not already connected to all of Existence – having all the capabilities, resources and co-partnering to be our most expansive and Truest Selves.

It is all of the beliefs about fear, separation and “evil” that have kept us small, and believing we are not capable, worthy or partnered by Source.

I love that so many of us are determined to break free from these illusions to claim our birthright of wholeness and magnificence.

One of my most favourite quotes of all time is this one by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

Notice how Marianne states “The Glory of God that is within us”. 

Quantum Scientists believe that Creation Itself is in our DNA. They believe literally the consciousness of The Universe is inside us. 

This would mean that the stories about being separated from this true “beingness” and having to conditionally prove, repent to get, beg forgiveness or earn these rights are NOT the truth.

Nor is it that if you are “big” you will be conceited, arrogant and even out of control.

I promise you narcissism is “smallness” it is not “bigness”. It is the need to control outcomes, prove, bully, reduce others in order to win, take by force, apply “conditions” and manipulate. All of this comes from inner “smallness”.

True greatness just “is” – it has no need to grandstand. It just organically is itself manifesting more of that in the world. A true “big” self is an organic connection to “All That Is”. It is solid, calm and whole, needing nothing to be whole; simply creating more truth, light, authenticity and wellbeing wherever it goes.

That is our goal to reach towards, and it only when we lose the false and small ideas of ourselves that created us to not be naturally ourselves, that we will start shining.

Can We Heal From Co-dependency?

I received a comment last week on my Facebook post from a gentleman discussing co-dependency being learnt behaviour which can be unlearnt – whereas narcissism is a “broken mirror” that can’t be fixed.

I would love to discuss this because it brings up some very important points.

First of all, I totally agree that co-dependents can heal from their co-dependency whereas narcissists will invariably never heal from their co-dependency (remembering that both narcissists and co-dependents struggle to “be a healthy source to self”).

The reason why narcissists can’t heal from it, is because there is so much pathology with the False Self takeover that they don’t believe there is anything wrong with them. The False Self, to be maintained, requires impunity and being above reproach. The meeting of the truth (that there are serious inner wounds) means the False Self would have to give up the charade, which means it could no longer exist.

What would be left for the narcissist? This … a shrivelled up abandoned Inner Self which has been totally discarded as ineffective, pathetic and non-applicable.

The narcissist does not want to revive it and has chosen to live life exclusively through the lens of the False Self instead.

What does it look like in real life when the narcissist is presented with the opportunity of taking a path to healing (which is EVERY breakdown experience)?

It looks like the narcissist using ANY tactic possible to retain the False Self – because without it the narcissist would feel emotionally annihilated. This means zero accountability (unless feigned or in a rare short window of narcissistic injury – when the False Self is temporarily crippled) … and every and any defence to project and deny personal responsibility.

The narcissist needs to “win” (be “right”) at ANY cost …

Without humility, accountability and personal responsibility no healing is possible for anyone – point blank.

This is why narcissists don’t heal.

Now back to co-dependents. Many co-dependents get to the stage of humility, personal responsibility and accountability, meaning: “There must be something about my inner wounding that is co-generating these experiences in my life. I’ve had enough, I can’t go on like this – and I need to heal.”

Co-dependents have a conscience and don’t sell their soul and further destroy their inner being by pillaging, stealing and raping energy to survive like narcissists (remember on the Quantum Level we are all “One” – you can’t do something to someone else without in energetically impacting self) … it’s not an option; most co-dependents would rather heal.

The exception is the co-dependent who has become trapped in victimhood and hangs on ferociously to the stories of: “Why I can’t and won’t ever heal”.

And so it is – these co-dependents don’t heal.

When a co-dependent has decided to heal, there are two paths in regard to ”healing” that can be taken. The first being the most common, the “cognitive path”, which is dealing with only the logical mind (the 40 bits of information that we process per second).

On this path we don’t have a deeper spiritual energetic emotional (knowing) connection to truths, we can’t connect to the Quantum Level in ways that transform it, and we are trying to heal through what others say we can do, recognition of common patterns people have, and discussing the tactics and ways of being that need to be “learnt”.

This is very difficult because the obvious problem is “How can I be a certain way if I never learnt how to be it?”

Many people who have had horrendous childhoods can be really snagged in the victimhood of “I know my issues, I know I don’t know real love, and never had healthy boundaries modelled for me, so how on earth can I do something I was never shown? And now I am and adult with no clue, I don’t have these skills.”

This leads to trying to work out something cognitively and believing “the outwards in model” of: “If I can do it then I will know it”. Then what unconsciously happens is people try to find someone else to bring forth what was missing so that they can experience it and then know it.

This defies the Quantum Law of being a generator of our own experience (the beingness occurs before the experience), and it keeps us powerless and co-dependent.

The second path we can take is the deeper, spiritual, emotional energetic path. We can work directly on our subconscious which is the almighty 40 million bits of information that we are processing per second.

This is where our Life, our “beingness”, is being generated from.

Our subconscious is so powerful it controls the functions of our organs, tells us to breathe even when we are asleep and keeps our heart beating. It is also responsible for the literal trillions of chemical activities our body is engaged in every day.

Our logical mind has no more ability to “direct that” than it does the sorting out our emotional composition – which is where our beliefs, behaviours and who and what we generate (attract) in our life lies. Trying to work out our emotional belief systems and reprogram them logically creates the powerlessness of “analysis paralysis”, which happens when we try to think our way out of emotional pain and confusion.

When we take the deeper, wider, more profound path of engaging with our subconscious we realise some pretty incredible things.

We contact and feel the Quantum Level of Source/ Life /God connection to us of wholeness and wellbeing. We realise we already are all the states of “beingness” we wish to have and experience, and that it is all the illusions of disconnection from ourselves, and the accompanying false and painful beliefs that have kept us separated from this.

When we start shifting ourselves at a subconscious level we start organically “becoming” self-love, self-acceptance, worthiness and doing healthy boundaries. We no longer fear being authentic and showing up as out True Selves.

Did we have to learn this? No – we realise we already ARE it. This was not “new”, we only had to re-connect in order to feel and know (re-member) Who We Really Are.

In effect we become Source Flowing Through Us; which is our natural, coded intended state – it’s our True Self.

This is how the “inside out model” works – we stop trying to logically formulate “how to be different” and instead shift the false beliefs and pain out of our body (subconscious) to naturally connect back to Who We Already Are.

How many times have those of you, who do shifts, released a painful belief, brought in the Source truth on it, and then instantly “woken up” with “Wow I’ve just re-membered what I already DEEPLY know as truth about this”?

That experience is exactly the process of “awakening”. It’s a process that happens from within.

As a result of purposefully evolving myself I have these experiences most days. The stuff I write to you is not taken from outside sources, it is Source Flowing Through Me. We all have that connection – I am certainly not unique!

The only way we ever know anything is when it’s anchored in our body. Any false idea we have ever had about Life, ourselves and others feels like rubbish in our body. That’s how we start knowing the massive difference between False Beliefs and Source Truth.

Anyone (even a narcissist) who decided to fully meet their inner being to do the work, and who collapsed into the inner wounds with the total dedication to love themselves enough to dig them out and replace them with Source beingness can heal.

This means giving up the victim story “Life happen to me and it’s everyone else’s fault”, and the self-avoidance tactics and addictions that keep us separated from self.

Depending on the level of wounds, it does mean having a death / rebirth experience. It means we midwife ourselves through “the death” of our old way of being (egoic survival fears) into the re-birth of our True and Greater Self.

It means we meet ourselves to do this with love, devotion and dedication.

How can a narcissist do this when he or she LOATHES the damaged Inner Being? He or she can’t. And neither can we if we don’t give up blaming and shaming ourselves; it is only the dedication of total unconditional love to our Inner Being that can produce real results.

The irony is we have all been wanting to be rescued (narcs included) by something or someone outside, whereas the truth is we were the only one who could ever do the rescuing for ourselves.

How Can People Have Power Over Us When We Logically Know Better?

One Facebook member posted this question: “Why is it that a man can have so much power over me when I always considered myself a strong woman? It’s like he owns me when every logical part of my being knows I own myself.”

I love this question because it is a question I have heard so many times, and it is a question that I used to agonise over myself.

The key word this lady wrote is “logically”. This is the stumbling block. Knowing something “logically” is not where our power is. Our power is in knowing something somatically in our body. 

Logically knowing something is only having an “idea” of what you would like to be.

Having it anchored in your body means you ARE it.

There is a profound difference.

I’ll give you an idea of what really goes on with our mind. In short it follows our body (the subconscious programming) to the letter – no matter how much we may not want it to.

I’m going to explain this in a variety of ways… starting with …

Think about this – different people can see one event and all have a different account of it. Why is this? Because their mind sees what it wants to see. What this means is their mind “makes up the account” due to their already existing belief systems.

Here’s the simple example:

A group of friends in a restaurant see a women being really angry and upset with her husband.

A guy in the Group who had a domineering mother believes this guy is being browbeaten by this wife, and can’t imagine why he stays with her.

A lady in the Group who had a dominating father believes this man has pushed his wife so far she can’t take it anymore, and wonders why she is still with him.

 

Another lady, whose parents were always arguing and were totally emotionally unavailable to her, feels so triggered and upset by the episode she is doing all she can not to run out of the restaurant.

Another man who has done a lot of work on himself feels compassion for both of them, knows they are doing the dance of their journey – triggering each other’s wounds in order to heal them – and it’s all in perfect and divine order no matter how it looks.

So we know that “what is happening” is totally subjective – how we think, feel and formulate is totally determined by “what has gone on before this event that represents this event.”

Now back to why people can control us when we know logically better.

Let’s say you know you are a confident, powerful woman. You can make business work, you have your own home and finances sorted and you have good relationships with friends and your children – yet in love relationships you find yourself hooked to abusers and handing your power over …

The logical thought about this is: “I am strong and capable, but he talks to me like dirt, hurts me all the time, and I end up apologising! I’m terrified of walking away and leaving him! WHHHYYY??”

These logical statements are not connected to inner empowerment – they are merely surface level ideas about what you would like to be, “powerful and confident in THIS situation” and what is happening (the symptoms of what is playing out) “He talks to me like dirt, hurts me all the time, and I end up apologising! I’m terrified of walking away and leaving him!”

It isn’t until you get out of your head and into your body, communicating directly with your young, wounded vulnerable emotions that you are going to find the true answer (the real cause), or be able to heal it.

This is an example of the real reason why this is happening to you. 
The truth lies in the inner subconscious drivers; the inner programs that are leaving your powerless … (something like) “People who love me hurt me, but I need to cling otherwise I’ll be abandoned / rejected and I can’t survive on my own.”

This part of your subconscious, the almighty programming that is running your life, is a little girl – not a grown woman. And she can’t be “logically” told to get healthy. In fact she can’t even “hear” logic (It doesn’t reach the subconscious). She needs to be healed emotionally / energetically in order to become healthy.

If this part of you (your beliefs connected to intimate love) were healthy, you would show up as an adult woman and state. “Hang on this abuse is not my deal, not my truth, and not healthy for me – so good bye!” and you would mean it and be relieved that you are no longer around it.

Instead the young unhealed wounded part of you is being triggered into incredible fears of abandonment and emotional (and maybe literal) survival fears that cause her to cling, allow the abuse and hand her power over.

(I promise you – this was my stuff through and through …)

Logic has no bearing on this … only emotional healing and up-levelling will.

So what happens is: when the abuse starts your Inner Being panics, she starts showing up as a little girl, she doesn’t have rights or limits, or the maturity and solidness to hold her own energy. And her mind in this low frequency of fear and pain is making up “stories” to justify clinging on and not leaving.

None of us can do anything at all unless we have a justification for it. So the “stories” you will be running are “He can change”, or “I just can’t for some reason survive without him” …and “I know we are meant to be together, he just has to wake up.” Or “I can’t stand this panic I have to apologise.”

Really these stories are all derivatives of “Please don’t leave me Daddy / Mummy – don’t turn away from me, because if you do I am all alone, and I can’t survive!!”

When we are handing power over and staying attached to abusers we have assigned the abuser as the original parent – as our true source of love, survival and comfort, and we cling like our life depends on it – because subconsciously that is exactly what the young wounded part believes.

This explains exactly this Facebook comment another member posted “I want to know why I am more comfortable chasing and pining for the tiny crumbs of phony love from a charming Narc than receiving the feast of authentic, real love from an attractive non Narc? It defies all logic.”

Again there is the TRUE key staring us in the face. “It defies all logic.” Yes it does! Our subconscious programs vehemently defy all logic!”

Instead, when we address the subconscious components of ourselves and up-level them, we will show up completely differently; we will be a mature whole adult who is not intensely triggered into regressive powerlessness. Then we can hold our own solidness, know what is or isn’t healthy, and know and set firm limits and truths for ourselves.

And we can emotionally and literally walk away, knowing we have all of life to generate much healthier realities with.

What many of us need to understand is: often it is because of our young wounds of feeling unsafe and unloved that we have overcompensated in other areas of life. This is the recipe for many highly intelligent, capable “powerful” people who are logically successful in life – yet no matter how many “capabilities” we have, when these young powerless emotional wounds get triggered we are right back to being that scared empty four year old again.

I hope you understand, none of this has anything to do with logic, and if we think we can overcome our powerful emotional surges with mere logic we know by experience we are kidding ourselves.

Especially when dealing with narcissists who trigger our young powerless wounds in more profound ways than anyone else ever could.

Are We Prepared To Lose it All to Get it All?

A lady in the Facebook Group wanted to know about this topic, “Boundaries and the risk of losing ‘friends and family’ when setting them. How to handle the pain involved when this occurs.”

This is a huge one. And one that can keep us very trapped.

Boundary setting does not necessarily mean you are going to lose people – many of them may up-level and meet you at your true level of authenticity.

But there needs to be no attachment to that outcome happening; in other words your truth and creation of your life is not dependent on any specific people meeting you there or not. If they don’t, others will – because we are not meant to be doing life alone – we are meant to be connected, and will be healthily when we truly connect with ourselves first.

So the first step always is to investigate, find and up-level the original wounds inside you that are causing the belief “If I set limits they will leave me”.

What were the messages in childhood, such as “I have to go along with others to be loved”, or “I have no personal rights of my own”, and “If I try to have rights others will reject, punish or abandon me?”

If you don’t up-level these wounds and try to assert your rights and do boundaries, you need to be aware that your emotional energy will be delivered from “the child”, and it could be ineffective. In fact the way that you “show up” could generate exactly what you fear.

If the old beliefs are still powerfully wedged in your body you will feel powerless, fearful and hand your power over. Which means showing up in a way that doesn’t inspire connection and instead brings about “rejection” from others, or you may self-sabotage in a way where you abandon first and regret it later, or you may be derailed into reneging on the boundary in order to not receive rejection.

By stark contrast if you up-level the original young wounds then you will show up as a mature adult on this topic.

A powerful authentic boundary would look like this:

“(Their name) I really value our relationship, and I want you to know I would like to be totally truthful with you – so that we CAN have a true relationship. I have been remiss in this in the past, but I don’t want to be now. I want to understand you and you to understand me, so we can truly love each other and connect. This is how I have felt at times (keep these points as “I” not “you” statements), and I would really love it if (state what you want), and I would love you to be honest with me about how you feel and what you need from me too.”

And then you would be quiet and see what is forthcoming …

And know that no matter what someone else says you don’t need to personalise it. The clearer you are on your truth and who you are, the easier it is to allow others to have their own opinions.

Let’s say their request is totally not okay for you, such as asking you to “fix”, “rescue” or “take responsibility for something that they won’t for themselves” – something like “I need you to be available to come and do this when I need your help”.
 

Respond by validating, say something like “I understand how you feel like you need me to do this”. (Meaning given that you are in this mindset it’s not surprising you feel this way). Now speak your truth … “I no longer want to enable you or hurt myself by taking responsibility for you. So I’m not doing this anymore.”

It’s a true statement – and there is no need to justify it further.

Then again wait and see. If the guilt trips start to try to hook you back in again state “I can see how you would feel like that.” And agree to disagree, and know the relationship is no longer your truth.

No deal … and it doesn’t need to derail you.

If you can’t stay calm then remove yourself and ask for time to process until you get the young unhealed triggers out of the way and you can see clearly.

The truth is when we decide to up-level our life, and this includes people in our life, we may need to go “empty”. We may need to clear space for the new to be generated, and sometimes there is a gap.

When I am generating change, I know that if I tackle the fears that will come up with the “emptiness” and up-level those, I am much more capable of being solid, whole and “full” before the new order materialises in my life.

And I know rather than cave in to “going back” I am able to hold my own energy in order to manifest and take inspired action moving forward.

We all went through this in massive ways with the narcissist; that is if we successfully held no contact and took on our own development. We accepted point blank “no-one outside me can give me myself or heal my wounds for me”, and we realised that the biggest goal was a necessary healing hiatus in order to emerge back into life as a healthier emotional being who can manifest healthier results.

This means “going empty” – it means giving up the distractions, people and quick fixes that we thought were sustaining us, yet in many ways may have been keeping us separated from truly meeting and doing the work on our inner wounds.

Naturally, people we have known for years or are conditioned to believe “should be in our life”, can be a really tough one. These people may be the only “security” we have ever known, that is until we know the true security of our connection to Source and what we are capable of co-generating with the enormous resources of life as a True Self.

Relationships are incredibly powerful in the way they help us grow, because they reflect back to us exactly what we need to heal and develop.

Some of the most successful relationships are the ones that end – narcissists and family members, and friends included. They would NEVER have been powerful lessons if they hadn’t held meaning for you.

When we become very committed to our own evolution, we not only develop ourselves to higher levels of authenticity, we also start generating relationship of value – relationships that are authentic. We invite and inspire people to meet us at this high level of authenticity, mutuality and desire for greater connection.

Naturally this can’t be delivered with fear, need for set outcomes, or the terror of it “going wrong”. It needs to be delivered for one reason only – you are an authentic person generating truth, authenticity and love with others. You are interested in equal, honest, connected relationships of power with instead of power over and no longer are you going to play games of hiding, withholding, pretending or separation.

Then from these types of conversations done with love and truth in your heart – you will see who is willing to “be with you” there, and you need to have a totally open mind – because some of the least people you will expect will, and the ones you think will, may not.

The truth is it doesn’t matter … everyone is doing their own journey and waking up at their own rate, and that’s perfectly okay; it doesn’t mean we stop loving and having compassion for everyone. What it does mean is we can decide to be very selective about our own energy and emotions, how we spend our time and what that looks like.

Are we prepared to just “do” inauthentic relationships anymore? 

Are we prepared to enable people to stay in shame, blame and victimisation? Are we willing to be the dumpmaster for people who are not accepting their own wounds and instead making other targets responsible for them?

If we are serious about evolving our lives, and shining a light for others and changing our world from separation and powerlessness to authenticity and connectedness (starting with the inside of ourselves first) the answer needs to be ”No”.

The Shift From Co-dependence to Independence to Interdependence

A Facebook Member wrote this request: “How to interact in a ‘healthy’ way with others who are invested in co-dependent relationships, and more on what is the opposite of co-dependence, how that looks and feels in a relationship. Would that be interdependence? Where is the line between interdependence and co-dependency?”

Our true power always lies in generating “relationship” that is our true desired orientation. This means sharing power and not taking power or giving it away. And the only way we can share power is to “be” authentic power in the first place – otherwise we have nothing healthy to share.

If we are with people who are being co-dependent and they remain like that – it means we are not being authentic – we are maladapting ourselves to stay connected, and we are in guilt or powerlessness in some way, which enables them to also be co-dependent.

The biggest trap with being with someone co-dependent is there is some “pay-off” or “obligation” for us to remain in the game without showing up truthfully.

We may think (often subconsciously) a person will stay connected to us and not leave us if they are co-dependent; we may believe it gives us some level of guarantee. Or maybe we feel that it is our duty to help them and stay with them if they are powerless. “My worth depends on me fixing others.”

Or maybe we are so co-dependent ourselves that we are terrified about being alone, or have the egoic beliefs of “competition” and “scarcity”, that we may not do better in the future, or maybe we believe that everyone is co-dependent and “has issues” and we use that as our excuse to stay with someone unhealthy who is not interested in personally developing and growing.

Or maybe we have the empathy or compassion of “I understand your childhood – so I get why you are like this.”

Or maybe our messages in childhood were “You are selfish” and we feel wrong or bad about deserving a partner to be empowered and healthy – and we can easily be derailed and talked out of our needs and boundaries.

None of this creates transformation for you or them – it creates stuckedness. It’s really important with all issues in our life to know it is NEVER about other people; our true Creation power lies in “self”. Therefore this is not about “how to deal with other people’s co-dependency”, it is about “being your own authenticity” and then people will either evolve out of their co-dependency and join you, or they won’t and won’t be a match for you.

If we are not “there” yet – in our solid authenticity – then we need to find and up-level the reasons why not.

When we stop believing it is “other people” and know everything without exception in our life experience emanates from ourselves (Quantum Creation Level), we stop looking outwards, and we go inwards to deeply feel and find the wound, rather than trying to formulate “logical tactics” to combat the confusion.

This is the example of doing this …

We would say to ourselves “Where is this confusion and frustration with co-dependent people in my body?”

Okay I feel these feelings of pain and frustration in my gut (as an example) …

Now I shut my eyes, drop into this part of me and ask it, “How old is this”?

The intuitive answer I get is “two” (this is NOT a logical deduction) …

Now I feel in and ask this two year old part of myself, “What is this pain and confusion about?”

The intuitive thing that pops my head is: ““It is selfish for me to want what I want” …

Then we would realise that whilst we carry this internal belief, it is running our life, and we are not going to set limits with co-dependent people; we are not going to speak up lovingly and honestly about what does or doesn’t feel right for us, and we are going to keep connected to people who are not in their power whilst we hand over our own.

I hope this explains …

So now that we know the real culprit, we know we need to up-level this belief to “I am free and granted permission by all of Existence to know my deservedness and truth and live it.”

This changeover needs to take place in our body – not our head – in order for it to become real for us.

Then the guilt, enmeshment and powerlessness will be gone, regardless of the “selfish” guilt trips someone else may try to hook you back in with.

When we emerge from our own co-dependence to know our rights and live them truthfully with no need for anyone to “get it’ (we need to “get it”) then we are truly independent … and then we can expand further and create true interdependence.

We think that our life depends on other people “understanding” and “granting approval”. That is an illusion. One Facebook Member posted “(I want to know) how to communicate when you are going through a separation and setting boundaries. If the other person does not want to separate it is an on-going battle. The lies create a fog and confusion. How can you work on yourself and get past the co-dependency when you still live with the person?”

The truth is no-one needs to agree with you for you to live the truth of your Life. Only YOU need to agree.

We can feel very alone in this; but we need to acknowledge this, “If someone’s version of ‘truth’ regarding me is unhealthy, then I have the power to go this alone; and there are ‘others’ available who are a match for this truth.”

It’s important to understand, we are not meant to be “an island”. There is a limit to how “big” or how much “love” we can be in independence. We are cut off from expansion ability as an extension of ourselves if we try to “do it all alone just with Life”. 
We need to realise the true expansiveness of Life includes other people.

Healthy people …

True interdependency is two or more people who have taken responsibility for self first – they are accountable and up-levelling their own inner woundedness, and they desire to share and generate true connection and authenticity from a maturing, developing inner being.

That is what a healthy relationship looks like – Two people who have the total orientation, “My focus is creating my healthy self first, and then I share and co-generate power.”

How Do We Know When to Leave Someone?

This was a question asked by a Facebook member …

The answer is this: When we know our own truth and we know this person is not going to meet us at a level of authenticity – it’s time to leave.

One of the biggest human traps is: we believe people can just decide to “change”.

They can’t …

Remember the almighty subconscious programs that drive beliefs and behaviour – the regression back to fearful, even panicked childhood wounds that cause people to do crazy “illogical” things? At these times co-dependents hand over power to stay connected, whereas narcissists take it forcefully to punish – they will do anything and everything to retain “I win”.

In relation to narcissists the inner wounds are horrendous and the young unhealed parts are totally disowned and abandoned. The behaviour that comes from that is unthinkable.

No narcissist can state “I’m sorry I’ll never do it again” and have that stand up – it is impossible.

The fine trip wire will be activated, the trigger will go off again, the narcissist will again be drunk with unconsciousness and will again create the “excuse” (justification) for the behaviour that totally nullifies any ability to genuinely reform.

It’s NOT personal – the narcissist can’t help it.

The only way that would EVER stop is: deep committed work done to CHANGE these young subconscious wounds.

Without that happening NO CHANGE IS POSSIBLE.

I took me a long, long time to work that out…

And I know through total proof of my own narcissistic abuse experiences, and the information I have gained from thousands of cases in this community how true that is.

I also know that from my own personal journey – if I hadn’t up-levelled my own subconscious wounds I would never have changed.

So, if you have taken responsibility for your own unhealed wounds and up-levelled enough to know your truth, anchor it in your body and then set the limit of ONLY what you will accept … and then someone else either does not want to acknowledge and meet you there, or says they do and is doing no work on their subconscious (yes demand that too) … then walk away …

There is no deal …

Or if they say “Yes I’ll face and work on my inner wounds” (highly unlikely for an N), and then even momentarily fell back into non–accountability and the old games of deflection and disowning their Inner Being (I don’t have wounds, it’s YOUR issue) – no deal.

They are not on the field let alone near the goals – and there is no hope.

The truth is even if they did stay fully humble and accountable for their behaviour they would STILL need to be totally separated from you to heal, and you would need a video camera on them to know they were actually doing that, rather than just doing the narc usual assortment of pathological lying, addictions, grooming other sources of supply, smearing you and self-avoidance whilst professing they are healing themselves,

Or maybe they prove ongoing therapy – that they are “healing themselves” – whilst really gaining narc supply and allies against you with therapists or groups.

Remember the narcissist is a False Self.

A False Self has to “be right”, which means you have to be wrong.

Generally, it’s really easy to know they aren’t capable of what IS necessary to heal. Your gut tells you something unsavoury is happening, and when you apply any pressure to get confirmation the house of cards falls over again.

It’s back to projection, blame-throwing, diversions, excuses and defences.

This is why, I believe, when narcissists do the things that False Self takeovers create, (here is the list of these behaviours) then it will never be any deal.

In my opinion, a line has been crossed where there is no return from.

Because there is no True Self left there to work with, heal or salvage – It’s been thrown to the wolves and eaten alive by lack of integrity, deceptiveness, maliciousness and toxic poisoning long ago.

Hence why a narcissist is capable of doing what they do with zero remorse.

People who have genuine remorse can change. People who do horrendous things without remorse can’t.

The Biggest Trap of Co-dependency

The hugest mistake co-dependents make (this was enormous for me) is to argue, lecture and prescribe.

All this does is feed the issue that we are co-dependently playing out and hands our power over to it.

This is really counter-intuitive at first. The more intelligent we are, the more we think “This can be logically solved. If I just explain this and point out to this person what they are doing (which I can logically see so clearly) they will get it.”

We do this with our children, and we do it disastrously with narcissists.

What we haven’t realised is that people do what they do in response to their model of the world, and their beliefs.

In relation to narcissists their model of the world is from a totally different planet, so you explaining the logic of concepts that most five years olds know about “humanity” and “decency” to a narcissist may as well be speaking Chinese to an Englishman.

The narcissist is doing what he or she believes is “right”.

Seriously …

Given there is a False Self which needs constant feeding and the True Self is extinguished, and there is no connection left to Oneness, humanity or conscience – the narcissist is operating as any narcissist would –  and his or her brain is making up all sorts of incredible “stories” to justify it.

(The brain follows the body – always).

No-one can do anything unless their brain is “justifying it” and they believe it is “right”.

Therefore your model has no bearing, and the more you try to assert it, the more the narcissist hits you with his or her insane (to you) model. Then you feel more abused, more scared, more battered and more attacked.

No resolution.

When we are doing this we are stuck in the co-dependent model of, “If only I can change, manage or control things outside of me I will feel more secure”, rather than realising security is an inside job – it is about declaring and being our truth created through the solidness of self-love, self-acceptance and self-confidence. And then we generate and align with “more of that truth” and we detach and leave alone “what isn’t.”

Until we reach this place, we don’t realise the more we say “No” to and wrestle with something, the more we are actually saying “Yes” to it.

In relation to your children, they don’t learn through you prescribing, lecturing and trying to make them “get it’. In fact all that does is set up more resistance and them pushing in the opposite direction. The human soul is “freedom”, is reacts very badly to feeling controlled and feels intensely unsafe when forced into someone else’s agenda.

Our generation was about fear and powerlessness – we all “went along” and paid incredible emotional prices for buying into that fear and powerlessness. Our parent’s generation was in this model too. Our children, however, are much more naturally evolved; they are a powerful part of this shift to truth and authenticity and they are not going to take being “controlled”.

For your children to develop effectively they need to learn it for themselves; they need to experience it as truth rather than you “forcing them”.

This means learning through the natural and powerful laws of cause and effect. One direct lesson is worth so much more than thousands of words, and when your child realises that what he or she is doing is not working in relation to what he or she really wants – your child will give it up. This is why you must not rescue them from consequences, or shame them for “messing up”.

Bless them messing up – it’s the perfect way to learn.

A classic co-dependent example would be yelling and prescribing to your child to get out of bed and get ready in the morning, and you getting in her bedroom fixing, putting things together and finding her shoes and homework.

A much healthier approach is set limits, stop fixing and if she doesn’t have shoes, hasn’t eaten breakfast and has forgotten homework put your child in the car anyway. Deliver your child, talk to the school and tell them about the limits you are setting, and get on with your day.

She will be very unlikely to ever do this again. And if she does you repeat the procedure of “Not my problem … okay off to school”.

One day, as an adult, your child will remember this lesson and deliver it to her child, laughing, remembering her own experience and how quickly and powerfully it empowered her and taught her to “take responsibility”.

The same goes with people in our life. If you are being abused, rather than texting frantically describing what he did to you and how wrong that was (Boy I was guilty of this …) detach, pull away and mean it, and state through your actions “I will not live with abuse”.

This is how we shape our life.

We LIVE it authentically.

We stop handing our power by arguing with “what is happening” and we simply detach from that and create “what our Life needs to be”.

In relation to an N co-parenting and doing all sorts of things regarding the children that triggers you into survival fears for your children and for you, stop pushing back and re-acting. It only makes the N intensify what he or she is doing. Instead work on yourself to lose the fear, and the triggers and do everything in your power from a healthy, solid emotional state to create boundaries and “health” for your children and yourself.

At the Quantum Level you are Creation Itself, and when you become aligned with wellbeing, integrity and solutions they will start appearing in your life. What do you think you are “creating” in your Life experience when you are energetically emotionally manufacturing more powerlessness, fear, survival panic, anger, resentment, angst and hopelessness?

Every focus you emotionally have on “the problem” creates more of “the problem”. When you work hard on yourself to know, feel and be “the solution” (without needing real life proof of one first) then you will manifest it from the “ethers”, where all things at the Quantum Level are created from.

And you will become powerfully pro-active about that.

The assistance will appear, the “ways to do it” will show up, the inspirations of “how to do it” will emanate within you, and the path towards the physical reality of your already established “beingness” will light up for you,

The “beingness” must precede the “experience” if you wish to change your life.

That is powerful and Real Creation.

Real and True Creation means we need to just BE our truth, and we can’t hold anyone else responsible for it. If we do we are living a “conditional” life (which is always painful) by declaring, “I (or others I love) can’t be happy and safe until you stop abusing, or you pay for what you have done!”

Do you understand how powerless that is?

In relation to our children misbehaving, we may feel like this: “I can’t love you child until you do what I ask of you!” Can you see how powerless that is for you, and how damaging it is to your child?

A much better way to live is to start loving everyone unconditionally, knowing we have all been subject to mass “disconnection” and painful false beliefs (including narcissists). Then we can have compassion, stop playing victims and martyrs and REALLY heal THIS … One person at a time starting with ourselves (which is the only place we have ANY power).

Then we can honour ourselves and others by generating and creating all we can that is NOT separation, games, illusions and fear.

That is when people “not awake” will either die out or shift up into personal accountability.

By us waking up, we are waking up our world.

Truly, we can become real love and truth and invite others if they are ready to join us there … and we can allow, bless and wish the best for and leave alone those who are not there yet.

Can you imagine how we could heal our world by doing that?

This is how we can heal co-dependency on micro and macro levels.