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This article and radio show is a disturbing one.
You may find this painful to read, and even shocking…
In no way am I wanting to re-traumatise you, I am trying to break through to you – about something that is so serious it needs to be relayed.
I apologise in advance if this article is painful to read…but my motivation to save lives collectively truly outweighs that risk.
That’s my disclaimer.
Now to continue…as a member of this community, regardless of the pain you are presently experiencing with narcissistic abuse (and ESPECIALLY if you are) I urge you with everything I have to take a few deep breaths, centre yourself in your body, stay with this article and read it.
Stating this article is IMPORTANT is an understatement.
TRULY more than any other article or radio show I have put together – this one is the TOTAL reason why I am so passionate about doing the work I do.
I do this work because it saved my own life, and it saves other people’s lives.
Sadly, this is not a case where I am reporting about Thriving after narcissistic abuse.
This is the exact opposite.
This is a sad and tragic story about what has happened to a 52 year old woman who didn’t leave her narcissistic partner of 28 years.
Today as this article is released she is in palliative care, riddled with cancer, 30 kilos and due to die at any time.
This woman was formerly a gorgeous, bright, vibrant and giving person.
Why Am I Sharing This?
I received an email a few days ago from a dear friend Margy.
I met Margy two years ago when she, herself, was battling breast cancer, and was hooked by a narcissist who she would leave and then get hoovered back into again time after time.
Margy was suicidal, manically obsessing and hanging by a thread when we first connected.
Margy is not the woman I am writing about – she is a friend of this lady’s. Margy was at the airport after spending 48 hours continuously by her side, when she emailed me.
Margy’s emails opened with: “To my dear Mel. I am sharing this experience because it’s too horrific to imagine it could be true. This is for all that live in hope that the narc would in the most devastating circumstances be capable of love and human compassion. They are not.”
Margy continued… “I have just been up to visit a dear friend of 30 years, she has lived in an mentally and physically abusive relationship with him for 28 years. 4 months ago she was diagnosed with renal cancer. She had a 10cm tumour attached to a kidney, another massive tumour wrapped around a major artery. Secondary spots in liver and lungs. She had such a fighting will to live they decided to operate. It was a dangerous 7 hour operation which she survived. That was back in late September. Two weeks ago she took a turn for worst. Cancer spreading aggressively and they gave her days maybe a couple of weeks to live.”
Margy finished with… “I know I used to hope that in the most devastating circumstances that love and compassion would have to surface and that it wouldn’t be humanly possible for it not to be there somewhere. Narcissists are a breed of their own as we both clearly know and this is such shocking behaviour it seems like it couldn’t possibly be true. But it is. A healthy mind cannot even make sense of it. Human Cruelty at its worst.
Love Margy xoxo”
I spoke to Margy who was very emotional and in tears that evening on the phone, and her sentiment was “Her death can’t be in vain. If her death saves one woman’s life – we need to get this story out there.”
I was moved to tears also, and I experienced the passionate eruption within me to stand for honouring Margy’s wishes to get this message out to the community, as hard-hitting as it is.
Margy was in shock at how much her friend had deteriorated since she had last seen her, but there was an even greater shock that sickened Margy.
It was a level of human cruelty that she could barely wrap her head around, even though she understands narcissism intimately.
How Could He?
The dying lady had just discovered that her narcissistic partner was seeing women from dating sites whilst she was in hospital dying.
When he was confronted with the discovered facts he erupted with fully blown narcissistic rage and projection.
He told it was her fault for lumbering him with her sickness, and that she was selfish for what she had put him through with her cancer.
He again brought up an old boyfriend of hers from 30 years ago (one of his regular abusive projection tactics), and topped it off by stating that he believed she was having an affair with a male friend (the husband of a happily married couple – dear friends of hers).
Margy saw her dying friend being ripped apart by his brutal unleashing over the phone and with later text messages. Her friend was in total anguish, trying to retaliate, and trying to gain some sensibility and compassion from him.
In total despair she stopped engaging. For a full day afterwards he would not return anyone’s phone calls from the hospital.
(Yes, of course they could have been phone calls that she had died!)
In gut-wrenching anguish she cried to Margy “Why can’t he even wait until I die?”, and “What have I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?”
Margy later that day held her on the floor of the shower (she can’t stand up) while this woman sobbed in total despair. Margy was terrified that the anguish and torment was going to put her into cardiac arrest.
Incredible how only the day before the narcissist had showed up at the hospital acting like the ‘model partner’, charming and talking to nurses whilst playing the part of ‘caring’.
Of course we all know – this is TOTALLY….. (words don’t describe or even begin to ‘fathom’ – we just shake our heads).
The Narcissist Doesn’t Change
The brutal and clear message that Margy and I want to deliver is this:
The narcissistic partner that you are connected to is NOT going to all of a sudden morph into a ‘decent person’, no matter WHAT your circumstances are.
An individual who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder simply CAN’T and WON’T – even if you are dying.
Truly this is NOT an isolated case – it is highlighted ONLY because this woman is dying.
How many of us have seen the inhumane cruelty, behaviour and actions regardless of how much we are getting hurt, how suicidal we may be, or how terrorised we are – when the narcissist keeps delivering the blows, keeps pathologically lying, twisting facts, maliciously maiming and projecting, smearing, threatening, abusing by proxy etc. etc. and simply does NOT wake up and start acting like a human being.
We have all seen how ONLY a narcissist could keep hitting all of your soft spots with atrocious vengeance – everything and anything this is dear to your heart – simply to appease their own twisted motivations…
…regardless of how hurt, devastated and ripped apart you are.
This is exactly what narcissistic behaviour trademarks.
Zero conscience, empathy or compassion.
I have heard thousands of inhumane and cruel stories within this community. These stories are IDENTICAL.
These stories go WAY beyond human thoughtlessness and even selfishness.
This is the narcissistic deal…
The actions are soulless, there is no remorse and YOU are simply an OBJECT – as far as the narcissistic is concerned you are NOT a human being.
The narcissist doesn’t and CAN’T know him or herself as a human being – that IS the reason why.
Life to a narcissist is ONLY self-serving, and everything is organised within the narcissist’s behaviour around that.
This poor lady has hung on for 28 years to receive some form of genuine recognition, some sort of genuine love and compassion, some sort of amends, some sort of him ‘waking up’ and some ‘payoff’ for her devotion to the relationship.
And throughout it all did not love or value herself enough to leave severe mental, emotional and physical abuse.
The Need To Wake Up
The question is when do we wake up?
When do we realise that the assigning a severely personality disordered person with our care means playing Russian roulette with our own lives.
When do we pull away, regardless of the costs and losses – in order to salvage our own soul – realising that this is what is really of value.
I know I would have died if I didn’t leave and heal, and Margy stated to me right from the onset of her healing journey that breast cancer was her massive wake up call, that if she didn’t pull away, heal and recover that she was going to die also.
Margy worked on her inner transformation work with the determination of a woman who would die if she didn’t.
She was as committed as anyone I have ever met.
(Hence why we had so much in common and connected as friends).
Today Margy is cancer free, her life is thriving and she has a wonderful new partner – because she made the choice to leave and face herself and her wounds, rather than stay connected to a life of dying with a narcissist.
Staying with a narcissist is living in the darkness of everything that is not love, everything that is inhumane, and it destroys every part of us piece by piece.
The first warnings are – our emotional self starts falling apart, and then if we don’t get the message our physical body becomes massively at risk.
Being narcissistically abused poisons every cell of our body – it is horrendous trauma.
Our body breaking down is how we get told enough is enough if we are not listening to our emotional pain screaming at us first.
Margy’s friend tearfully told her – “I know I’m dying of cancer because I stayed in this relationship.”
Margy was astounded at her level of insight because her friend had never taken on any personal development. Margy knew that this woman got this truth as a deep knowing.
Margy being deeply spiritual held her and told her to stay in her body and connect to her own inner being, her own wholeness and find peace. She told her to come back to her own soul regardless of what he was doing to her.
Margy held her and poured love into her to help her do this.
How tragic is it she could only find her connection to her own divinity and worth whilst dying – at ONLY 52 years of age.
How blessed that Margy has connected with her during her final time on earth.
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