How Common Painful Belief Systems Lead Us Into Narcissistic Abuse

by Melanie Tonia Evans

I receive this question from people – “What are the common negative beliefs that lead to narcissistic abuse?”

This happens from time to time in emails, and this question pooped up on last week’s blog comments.

As a result, I decided it was time to write an article about this.

I realised quite some time ago that there are definite common negative beliefs, that we held, which created susceptibilities to abuse.

There is a pattern and a predisposition which many giving, caring people who possess integrity have – which allows them to get enmeshed with narcissists.

These are exactly the beliefs that a narcissist can use to hook you, addict you to him or her, and continue to extract narcissistic supply from you.

When I started the journey of identifying and releasing these negative beliefs, in order to recover from narcissistic abuse, for myself and personal clients, I found many common threads over and over again.

I want to share a few of the most powerful ones with you.

Before I do – let’s just re-cap what negative beliefs are.

What Are Negative Belief Systems?

They are false premises about ourselves, life and others. They create pain and dysfunction.

Negative belief systems are internal programs within our subconscious, which were established generally at a very young age whilst we were operating in theta and alpha brainwaves.

We acquired these beliefs from our environment emotionally, primarily before we developed cognitive reasoning.

Before this time we had no ability to filter any of the messages as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, and as a result they were all accepted as ‘true’.

The very nature of a belief system is this: To generate the evidence with life that fulfils the belief as ‘true’.

A couple of examples of painful belief systems are these:

“People don’t support me, I have to do everything myself”, and

“Men are only after one thing.”

When people have belief systems such as these, life will always deliver that belief system back to that person, regardless of anything they try to do to create another reality.

This person will also ‘show up’ in life as operating emotionally within that belief system and will unconsciously create more of that reality in their life by pushing away support, not speaking up for what they need healthily, choosing non-supportive people, and sabotaging decent potential men, and enmeshing with ones who ‘are after one thing’.

Belief systems are powerful. They run our life.

In areas of our life that just work we have excellent belief systems which serve us. It is these self-generated internal beliefs, and the ways we healthily emotionally operate that are responsible for these outcomes.

In any area of our life that we struggle – the culprit is always negative beliefs we have on that particular topic.

Deep within our subconscious are belief systems that play out exactly to generate the painful and negative results.

All we have to do is look at our real life outcomes to start understanding what topics our negative belief systems are connected to.

Life always shows them up for us…

Life makes the unconscious conscious.

The Common Beliefs We Carry That Match Being Narcissistically Abused

The following are some of the main beliefs which are a common thread with being narcissistically abused.

Not only did I find these as a strong thread of consistency – I also discovered the profound results when releasing and reversing these painful belief systems – which is what true recovery is all about.

The first painful belief is this…

1) I can’t create my own security, fulfilment, accomplishments, love and approval for myself or joy in life.

Many people believe that without another person’s energy that they don’t have the power to generate their own life in some or many areas.

Co-dependents definitely fall into this category and can feel terrified about believing that they can feel ‘whole’ or ‘fulfilled’ on their own.

My definition of a co-dependent is someone who feels empty on the inside and is trying to gain an aspect of ‘self’ from outside of ‘self’. Understandably co-dependency can be a very common human condition.

The narcissist shows up as the dream person who can magically provide all of what the co-dependent yearns for. This makes it incredibly difficult to let go of the ‘mirage’ who seemed to be the answer to all the lifelong feelings of emptiness, insecurity and pain.

Some of the false beliefs that get accessed by facing ‘Releasing the illusion that the narcissist is the perfect partner’ include:

• On my own I am not enough
• I am not worth loving
• Life doesn’t support and love me
• I am powerless to create my own chosen realities

When Quanta Freedom Healing is used to release these painful negative beliefs they are then replaced with the natural True Self state of:

• I am enough and worth loving simply because I exist
• Life co-creates with me lovingly and abundantly
• I have the power to generate and create my own chosen realities

The next painful belief system is this one…

2) I am a victim of life and bad people

Victimisation is powerlessness.

It creates us as separated from our own personal growth and evolution.

As children if we were abused, guilted, devalued, engulfed, controlled and over powered in ways that were detrimental to our ability to love, accept and trust ourselves – we developed beliefs that we were powerless to generate and create a healthy entitlement to love, respect and stable people and environments.

As a result we learnt to minimalise ourselves. We did not dare to (or know how to) identify, anchor into and speak up for our feelings and needs right from the beginning of relationships, and we tried to appease others in order to lessen the risk of criticism, rejection, abandonment or punishment.

Some of the false beliefs that get accessed by facing ‘Forgiving life, others and ourself from what we have been through’ include:

• I am a victim
• Other people hurt me and mistreat me
• I am powerless to stop people hurting me – it is just what they do
• Life and others don’t have my best interests at heart

When Quanta Freedom Healing is used to release these painful negative beliefs they are replaced with the natural True Self state of:

• My soul co-creates experiences so that I can develop, heal and be whole
• People will always treat me at the level of development matching where I am with myself
• I have the power to generate my own evolution – to heal and be authentic, speak my needs clearly and stand for my own truth, regardless of what other people are or aren’t choosing to be or do
• Life and others will reflect back to me my essential emotional relationship with myself – no more and no less. Therefore my true fundamental relationship graduation is with myself first

The next negative belief system is this one…

3) I can’t heal, recover or reach closure until justice is done, and / or wrongs are righted

This belief is typically human.

Anyone can logically understand that we want bad people brought to justice, and we wish they could be made accountable.

Emotionally this belief is incredibly self-defeating and literally cripples your life.

If you believe that your life depends on someone else doing anything so that you can feel better – you have immediately handed your power straight over to them.

Powerlessness is the act of making something or someone else responsible for how you feel, and for your life.

You have no control over this ’something’ or ‘someone else’. You only ever have control of yourself – and this needs to be non-reliant on anything outside of you, if you wish to have the freedom to generate happiness and create a fulfilling life.

This doesn’t mean you have to ‘be ‘an island’ or do everything on your own.

In fact it is the exact opposite.

There are wonderful, incredible and loving resources in life to build your life with. Which means you can detach from trying to force a bad person to make amends, and focus on releasing them and the pain – in order to be free to co-create with healthy resources and people in life.

If you don’t, you will remain a prisoner to this person long after you have left them, and long after you physically exited the ‘prison cell’.

If you don’t detach and reverse these belief systems, you remain enmeshed in the pain, and you have no access to the happy, healthy, supportive and fulfilling resources of life.

One of the greatest hooks narcissists play on – is you trying to force him or her to be accountable.

This puts you in the direct firing line of abuse, which grants the narcissist a wonderful dumping ground for his or her tortured self, and guarantees the narcissist copious amounts of A-Grade narcissistic supply.

Which is: your attention and the narcissist knowing her or she can affect you intensely.

Co-dependents have high levels of integrity, and make great targets for abusers as a result of ‘fighting for integrity and accountability’.

Some of the false beliefs that get accessed by facing ‘Releasing the need to win and gain accountability’ include:

• My emotions are dependent on what others are or aren’t doing
• I can’t receive closure until amends are made
• I am powerless to create my own reconciliation with myself
• If I can’t be right, I can’t be safe or happy

When Quanta Freedom Healing is used to release these painful negative beliefs they are replaced with the natural True Self state of:

• I have the power to generate and create my own emotional well-being
• My closure is between myself and life, and is the development of myself into more empowered and healthier realities
• Specific people do not need to share my values, views, beliefs or truth in order for me to generate and create a safe, happy and healthy life for myself

The last of the main painful beliefs that I want to share is…

4) I am responsible for other people’s lack of development and awareness.

Many co-dependents are fixers, rescuers and / or healers.

They have empathy for others and take it upon themselves to try to help other people. Often unsolicited, and often when these people are not willing to take responsibility for themselves.

The deeper truth is often people try to ‘fix’ in order to try to create the other person as someone who will finally allow them feel, safe, happy and whole.

Often we are attempting to subconsciously fix the ‘mother’ or ‘father’ who hurt us in childhood. Rather than achieving this ‘fix’ we simply rip open those unhealed wounds over and over again.

This equals how to lose – badly.

Many co-dependents themselves feel like a parent to the insecure, damaged and under-developed ‘child’ that the narcissist is, and feel that it is their moral duty to set the narcissist straight by teaching him or her ‘fundamental human decency’, not turn their back, not abandon him or her, or feel incredible guilt at the thought of leaving the narcissist to his or her own disorder.

People who try to take responsibility for a narcissist and attempt to fix, change, prescribe or lecture the narcissist are targeted heavily for abuse.

Rather than the narcissist ‘getting it’, he or she will project blame heavily on to you, accuse you of everything he or she is doing, and will punish you for the ‘accusations’ that the narcissist’s intense and disordered defence mechanisms must maliciously lash out at you for.

The narcissist will defend his or her False Self at all costs. You are a meaningless casualty in comparison.

Some of the false beliefs that get accessed by facing ‘Releasing the need to take responsibility for the narcissist’ include:

• If I don’t fix other people I can’t be safe, happy or healthy
• This person is my Soul Mate who I am meant to help heal

When Quanta Freedom Healing is used to release these painful negative beliefs they are replaced with the natural True Self state of:

• My true responsibility is toward my own evolution, and that is how I will generate safety, happiness and a healthy life
• A ‘negative’ interaction with any person grants everyone involved the opportunity to become conscious and self-evolve – if they chose to take that opportunity.

How Important the Foundation of Healthy Beliefs Systems Are

What I have discovered is that people who have accessed the Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course before working on abuse belief systems struggle to move forward.

The reason is:  it is impossible to create the internal freedom aligning with an expansive and great life when you are still hard-wired into abuse beliefs that hand your power over to abusive people, events and situations.

Being abused not only activated severe fear, pain and abuse belief systems – it also unearthed for you what you need to clean up in order to create a fulfilling, wholesome, safe and happy life.

I love the wonderful late Debbie Ford’s famous expression “You can’t put ice-cream on top of poop.”

She was referring to belief systems…

My expression is:  “You can’t drive a Ferrari into the garage when a rusted old wreck is blocking its path”.

Many people have ascertained that the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is only for intimate partner narcissistic relationships. That is not accurate.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is for any abusive relationship you wish to deprogram yourself and heal from, and it includes reversing the specific beliefs that have co-created abuse in your life. The ones I have described above, and many others are included in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

When you reverse your negative beliefs you heal powerfully.

That is what your self-development into a Thriver from this experience is about – the cleaning up of internal programs that you received genetically (science now proves that you received the emotional predispositions of your parents from the point of conception onwards), absolutely had reinforced developmentally (no ‘coincidence’ that the negative belief systems you acquired genetically were then further reinforced through ‘behaviour’), and which have been stunting your ability to generate a new and healthier future.

We have to break those subconscious patterns, if we want to break the cycles of painful and unfulfilling relationship.

If we don’t have aligned beliefs with what we do want to create, then we do not have access to those possibilities in our energetic field, because can only ever generate outcomes within the range of our present internal subconscious beliefs.

I hope this article has really helped you realise where you true power, liberation and development lies…

It never comes from ‘the outside’.

It is created on ‘the inside’.

I look forward to answering any comments or questions you may have related to this article.