*** NO ONE CAN OUTRUN THEIR DESTINY ***
We had the time of our lives and we never felt this way before!
Wow! We tried to fit a life time of togetherness and oneness in the 2 weeks and I think we came close to it. There was literally no space between us. In fact we couldn't get close enough. It is just an amazing feeling to experience such oneness.
It started with Neytiri being one of the last to exit the airport, which is not surprising. We were both anxious as to how we would react. She emerged in all her radiant beauty. We hugged , kissed and I whispered into her ear "Welcome home!", which bought tears to her eyes.
I told her 2 of her wishes will be realised this night. (1) She wished she could be in the car driving with me which we did and (2) She had wished she could have a coffee with me. So I took her to an iconic local coffee shop.
One of her first comments to me was "It is not going to be. Let's get that straight from the beginning." So that set the scene. Did I care? Absolutely not. What bought us together was not our doing or planning but was a divine course and the final outcome would be determined by the divine plan.
Neytiri would have said what she said to keep her egoic attachments in place and hence keep It "real" for her. This way she could rationalise her behaviour and presence here.
We arrived at our accommodation and she was still tense. A sip of rum later and she was at my command; a serious co-dependent flaw in her character. It was a blur after that, suffice to say we drank 3/4 bottle of double black whiskey; watched the sun rise together and I CRIED!
It was the first time since I was about 8 years old that I CRIED. I had previously told Neytiri, she will make me cry when she got here (that was to be one of my goals) and she did not believe it. Anyway, I didn't plan to cry when I did and didn't expect it to happen the way it did but I sobbed and it was great!
At some point I asked her to marry me and she said "Yes." So we got married and I promised her she could divorce me after 2 weeks if she so desired.
We spent most of the first day in bed which was strangely bizarre and at the same time seemingly normal. We just lay there and forgot the world. It was like we had been together forever and we were so familiar and comfortable with each other it was awesome.
We had planned to do so much in terms of the spiritual readings and meditations but that did not seem to matter anymore. Just being together was spiritual and oh so orgasmic!
We did manage to do the AAAHH Meditation daily and sometimes more than once, as Neytiri informed me one morning. She said "I've already done the AAAHH meditation." I thought she had got up earlier and had done it alone. It took me awhile to get her sense of humour and figure out what she was on about. The naughty girl. Anyway, the AAAHH meditation was something we both looked forward to daily.
We had lots of long walks on the beach. We took walks in the rain forest; the water falls, went whale watching. Incidentally a great wave did fall and left her wet but we survived! We went go-karting (she is quite the competitor and accused me of not driving fast enough for her!); attended a couple CoDA meetings. We also had an orgasmic experience on an isolated (or so we thought) beach and then listened to our song; sublime! I always believed in letting my figures do the talking!
We even went into a small church (something she has never done), got onto our knees and prayed together! We just enjoyed the "ISNESS" of everything and I continually highlighted how our belief systems filter information and hence affect our behaviour and judgements. She says she likes the RAWNESS of my language; I like the term Rawness.
We tied The Red String on each other and said the prayer that goes with it.
We watched lots of movies and fell asleep a lot of times, both of us at the same time. We watched AVATAR and EPL (twice in a row)! The first 10 days or so I felt so alive. I hardly had any sleep but was not tied at all. Our senses were just so acute and food just tasted so great. In fact every day seemed better that the day before and nothing seemed to go wrong at all. It was heaven! The local saying is "Beautiful one day; perfect the next!" Well, ours was Perfect one day, Better the next!
I felt like a teenager until she suggested that middle aged couples don't normally behave like this. I was wounded. Until then I never gave it a thought; it just was what it was! Labels can be the death of us and are just beliefs; labels attached to us by our parents and society at large. We have to conform to fit in. Bullshit, I say!
We even had a minor accident which shook her a bit but I was just cool about it. This was just God reminding us to stay present.
The Kabbalist believe one way to defeat the ego is to humiliate or embarrass your self and I had promised Neytiri I was going to give her a new humiliating challenge every day of her stay.
She is very embarrassed about her MT and I told her she would have to walk on the beach for at least 100m in only her swimmers. She resisted but eventually gave in and actually walked all the way in her swimmers. Her ego was defeated when she realised no one cared and the fear was all in her mind.
Other challenges she took was shouting out from the balcony naked as the day she was born "I AM WHAT I AM!" (I actually joined her for this one); Smiling and greeting strangers; showing affection publicly and with focus; walking down to the car park in her PJ's (and she actually flashed her tits which was not called for!).
We exposed the good the bad and the ugly in us and I realised that we really do share the same "sins". I saw myself in her "ugly" and realised if I could get effected by this side of her, imagine the damage I have caused when people were exposed to this dark side of me! I am so grateful for the awakening we have had and Step 10 reminds us daily that we will not repeat this behaviour.
Neytiri continues to be haunted by her 8 month binge and as I found out more about this period, it became apparent to me that it was her bottom, although she is delusional about this and does not see it as such. In fact, her delusion and denial is so great she cannot see the damage she caused not only to herself but those closest to her. It was the ultimate in her self-will run riot. She was totally self-centred and abandoned her children, without even realising it.
As a consequence, she has not made her peace with this period and she continues replaying the tapes to rationalise and sugar-coat her behaviour rather than taking full responsibility, no matter how much she may protest. From a selfish point of view, the sooner she does this the better, cause it affects me adversely. But everything happens when the time is ripe.
At one stage all the movies I selected to watch were duds and she questioned why this was so. I was always telling her of the inspirations I get from movies and she was so looking forward to sharing this experience with me. It amazes me how we can get signs/messages from the least expected sources. I pulled out a "second rate" movie, or so I thought, and she loved it; Bridesmaid! She said she was going to watch it again once she got back. Here are some lines that resonated for us:
You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without and I hope and I pray that I never have to.
I feel so close to you and can trust you. YOU ARE MY ANGEL AND SOUL MATE and I feel I can communicate with you with simply a look.
I have no way of earning money unless I just go and prostitute down on the street....Hello, fellas. Here I am. Put your American sausage in my ENGLISH McMUFFIN.
So now the MT becomes the McMuffin, sublime! She walked straight into that one! But she remains my angel and soul mate so what can I do? Allow her full guilt free permission to continue on her poor persons high carb diet and snacks, whilst I maintain my affluent high protein diet! Groceries loves her groceries! Guess who feels and looks better, younger and full of life and energy! As she says, she has not intentions on being obese!
As we enjoyed the SWEETNESS OF DOING NOTHING [Il bel far niente means 'the beauty of doing nothing'...] and Operation Self-Esteem--Day Fucking One, the one thought that haunted us both was; Where to after the 2 weeks were over? We had the 2 extremes (a) carry on as we were before, Skype each other twice a week or (b) no contact at all.
I has made my feelings and thoughts clear as I did not want to perpetuate the lie. Our relation should be unconditional. However, I told Neytiri I did not know whether I was strong enough to have no contact. I said the relationship should continue on a "reach out" basis, the same as CoDA. Neytiri agreed with this. I told her an auspicious date was approaching (my birthday) and which should maintain silence (time to reflect) until then and thereafter make contact and reassess our position.
Neytiri says her life is just like Liz's and I told her to read the book (EPL) rather than keep watching the movie. The book will have more depth and spiritualilty. Here are some relevant gems from the book to help her decide her destiny:
Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.
Let your conscience be your guide.
It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection.
The Augusteum warns me not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve.
The sun it is hot; the money is little and the work is hard; but the LIFE, it is GOOD! That's my promise to her - LG. When I read the story about Barbados I had a vision of a hut on the beach. Neytiri tells me she sees a hut in her future! Go figure.
She came here a Sad Old Woman (part of the SOW club) and left with a half-smiling liver. If this was all that was achieved, so be it and good on her. One thing I do know, is she left here with an 'extra glow' about her and she may find it hard to explain why!
CONCLUSION:
We remain married, albeit living separate lives. We belong together and our love can do anything we want it to do. My home is wherever she is and vice versa.
As I conclude, what may be my penultimate post, I have come to the realisation I have found what I was looking for! At some stage in this journey, I concluded with Neytiri that I would like to find my authentic self with her as one and I have. When we are together we are our authentic self's, fully unmasked and naked for all to see: I AM WHAT I AM; WE ARE WHAT WE ARE! We have found heaven right where we are, right here, right now; we just have to be together to experience Total Joy, Peace and Perfect Love. As promised in the Big Book (Page 25) "We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed."
And when we are finally together (physically) our calling will become apparent. So there you have it; until we are finally united we will live our existing lives miserable with our partners but happy not to be apart from them. The ultimate hell (no such place)!
Neytiri and I, as we discovered to our delight, are a perfectly matched, genetically engineered belly-to-belly success story (Six pack up against the English McMuffin!).
No comments:
Post a Comment