The Days and Weeks After

What We Do

Wisdom is more than what we know. It’s what we do. Information means nothing unless our consciousness changes and our words & actions help, not hurt, others.
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The FORCE has been really strong since our rendezvous in Heaven but other than that I have been feeling pretty shitty!  I have had amazing feelings of closeness with Neytiri and sometimes can feel her presence so close and tight, I have to pinch myself to become aware she is not here, physically.

I feel peace but at the same time I think I have relapsed into some severe co-dependent coping.  I have been binging on all the carbs and sugar like there is no tomorrow.  Do I feel rejected and abandoned? I think my ego is suffering some mild depression and definitely grieving.

We have gone from having no space between us to the opposite extreme and it was always going to be tough. I told Neytiri's avatar our story and she has been empathic but does not fuly comprend our relationship, I mean who could?

It has been foolish of me to believe that I could just block out the 2 weeks of oneness and carry on as normal.  For this I am extremely sorry.  In fact, I don't even know what "normal" is anymore.  If I am being present then whatever I'm doing is "normal" because the past does not matter.

It has dawned on me that I am not strong enough for this.  Humans crave 2 basic feelings (1) to gain pleasure or (2) avoid pain.  You would think we would be inclined to seek (1)! However, given a choice we will always chose (2).

And that's where I am.  By having and maintaining contact with Neytiri I am gaining pleasure. However, the short term pleasure then makes it painful for me to let her go, so I chose to avoid this pain but am not strong enough for this.

I pray all day, every day for an answer and it is tough whilst I await a sign or message. The dilemma of whether to maintain contact or avoid contact has no easy solution but I'm sure over time we will work out an appropriate solution.

So I finally caved in and sent her a text.  The end result being, we had a Skype hook up, which was very therapeutic.

Neytiri tells she has the "knowing" about our relationship but is trying to outrun her destiny.  This was the first time she admitted this knowing.  She did mention Tus'tey's reaction and behaviour since her return, but it was disjointed and very difficult for me to follow and comprehend fully, at this stage. So she is also praying for direction and I'm sure between the 2 of us; an answer will be forthcoming, it just depends how long before we get it.

I was just happy to see her again after what seemed a lifetime of pain but the experience was different. Again we had oneness for 2 weeks and then seeing her but not able to touch her was like having sex with a condom on! She did look younger and much more prettier than I could remember!

Anyway after our hook up I have been more at peace.  I allowed myself to grieve for 12 days and my diet went off the rails.  I had been eating a lot of carbs and chocolates and biscuits and other "bad" stuff which is comforting (in the short-term) but has had an adverse effect on my weight. 

Neytiri tells me she lost weight during her visit and promptly reverted to her old ways and role, so back to square one, hopefully only for the short-term.

We agreed we will take it one day at a time and should reach out without hesitation whenever we feel the need to do so.  Always go with the Heart rather than the ego.

The London closing ceremony was on TV, in the background, at home this morning.  I was not paying much attention until I heard "Wish You Were Here" and was reminded we are 2 lost souls haunted by the same old fears.  It is gonna take a lot of courage or divine intervention to change things.

I AM in total JPL when I AM myself and I AM my authentic-self when I AM with Neytiri!

Until then I will keep praying and sending out Love and Light. Happy ULD!