Conditional Relationships

22^nd June 2012 – Jake – If I were deaf, I’ll hear your laughter through your smile. If I were mute, I’ll speak to you through your eyes. If I were blind, I’ll see you through your touch. I can live without my senses but life won’t make sense without you. 

IN THIS MOMENT – I STRIVE FOR RIGOOUS HONESTY – I’m not perfect. I can’t be rigorously honest all of the time, but I can strive toward the goal. When I fall short, I work the 10^th Step to get myself back on track. As I become honest about my actions and any pain they may have caused. I think long and hard about the consequences of my actions and find I’m less likely to do things I wouldn’t want others to know about. When I strive to be rigorously honest, I travel further along the toad of recovery.

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Last night Neytiri started by telling me she was very anxious.  She had read the blog and felt that she was somehow responsible for my recent illness.  More importantly, she was afraid that our relationship was coming to an end.  She said she thought things would go on the way they currently are, indefinitely.  She said “What’s wrong with things the way they are?” I told her if I tell you what I want she’ll get scared.

I told her “Whilst our love for each other may be unconditional and perfect, our relationship was conditional.” She asked what conditions I was talking about. I said “It’s conditional on her being available to Skype; it was conditional on me being available; it was conditional on Mo’at not knowing; it was conditional on Tsu’tey allowing it to continue, etc etc.  We can’t tell anyone about our relationship; we can’t put an ad in the paper; we got to use pseudonyms for the blog.”

I told her of the scene in Avatar where Neytiri tells him to choose a wife.  Jake replies he already has but the woman he chose, must want him as well.

So Neytiri asks me “You asking me to choose?”  I told her “No, I do not want you to choose.  That is why I have set you free.”  It is not about choosing; it is about KNOWING! Until she has the “knowing” her dilemma and confusion will continue.

Our love is based on Truth; built on Truth yet we cannot express the Truth and live a lie.  In a perverse way, we are perpetuating our co-dependent traits by living a lie.  It reminded me our relationship was similar to the one in Brokeback Mountain, only worse.  At least, in the movie they met once a year for a couple of fucks!. We only got 2 weeks in a lifetime, at best!

She told me she thought about the movie Titanic and how she promises to always be with him; she holds the memory and in the end they meet again in the afterlife.  I told her she’s got 2 weeks to live her Titanic fantasy.

She told me she never really considered my needs until now.  She was selfish and self-centred.  The perfect wretch!  I told her I always have and always will put her needs first; for it is by self-forgetting that one finds.  Her conflict in the relation is bigger than mine.  Her attachments greater.

I asked her what did she want.  She said “I want in all! I want the children, the hubby, I want to marry you; I want to have your baby.” It was like; Wow! Sublime!  But she is scared and confused.  I told she was truly blessed to be in such a position.

If it is God’s Will, then so be it.  I asked her "What is our calling?" She said now she is ready to visit me.

I told her to focus on the Now, the Present and as hard as it may be to stop living in the future.

Is the beginning of the end or better still, the end of the beginning? Stay tuned!