Peeling the Onion

4^th March 2012 – Jake – If I tell you I love you, you’ll think I’m lying (because you don’t trust men). But I’d rather tell you I love you and let you think that I’m lying than to say I don’t love you and know, for a fact, that I’m lying.

Peeling the Onion..it’s a term I learnt in fellowship. It came back to me this morning after a sleepless few hours last night.

Neytiri once asked me what I wanted out of our relationship and I replied “I don’t know. I know I need to find my authentic self, my true self. Maybe this is what all this is about. But I know I have to be patient with myself.  It’s like Peeling an Onion; one layer at a time until I find myself.” 

And that’s what I have been doing ever since.  I have had help from many sources along the way, the main one being, Neytiri.  She always asked the tough questions. Which at the time were uncomfortable but I always came out stronger.  In fact she promised to find all the keys to my locks!  Sleepless nights, though common last year, were cleansing because it got rid of the repressed and suppressed negativity. I always got answers. I have had an amazing journey and my intuition (the knowing) is much sharper and I fully trust it. Tough questions lead to intimacy or into-me-see!

As I said I had a few sleepless hours last night and the following came into my awareness and is based on pure intuition: I always thought her life was “normal” compared to mine.  I even told her she only needed to focus on doing Steps 3 & 11 of the program; her onion was much smaller.

I have since come to the realisation that we are probably both the same; our onions are of similar sizes.  We are the proverbial “Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. Going over the same old fears...”  She has always been the spiritually stronger one and intuitive. She previously said stuff that is now making sense to me.  Like “I have a long way to go and I need to come back many times.”

It is now apparent she has some locks around her conflicts, fears, childhood, male distrust, etc which are been bottled up.  The good thing is she is aware of these but not ready to release them yet. I need to find the keys to her locks; no rush we got the whole of eternity. I’ve never been good with keys so I’ve got to make sure I find a few darn keys between now and her visit. She tells me all will be revealed when she visits. Not sure if that’s good or bad? It just is

Part of every woman is A MOTHER

Part of every woman is AN ACTRESS

Part of every woman is A SINNER

Part of every woman is A SAINT

Part of every man is A WOMAN

How very profound!

I watched The Yellow Handkerchief over the weekend.  Some lines resonated for me. It was a pointed reminder to me to stay in the present and not let my co dependent traits take over.

Did you know this from the beginning? That you would fail in the marriage also? Did you have it all set in your head, and now you’re happy because it turned out the way you thought and you get to punish yourself like you wanted to do all along? Do you realise that you punish those who love you more? Do you understand that? Did you know that you made me love you? Did you even realise that? Why don’t you give it a chance?

I never felt part of anything either. I feel apart from everything.

The Force is strong as I sign off.