24th March 2012 – Jake – There’s a love that
only you can give, a smile that only your lips can show, a twinkle that can
only be seen in your eyes and my life that only you can complete.
Hi, my name is Jake
and I am co-dependent.
After attending a
recent CoDA meeting and the recent events in my life I was reminded that one is
never “cured” but always in recovery; ever vigilant lest I slip or
relapse. One day at a time...Thy Will be done!
In the next few days I
will depart to visit my family of origin after an absence of 13 years. It will
also be my first visit since starting my recovery. I am looking forward to it as it will test my
recovery to date.
I last saw my primary
care givers 8½ years ago when they visited us at the time of my son’s birth. It
was the first time, in probably 20 years we lived under the same roof for an
extended period of time.
It was definitely an
eye opener for me, as I realised the number of character traits I picked up
from mum. I was astounded! Also I realised for the first time that I had
married my “mother”! It came as quite a shock to me. In that moment, it dawned on me I got married for the wrong reasons. We tend to focus on what we want. But sometimes the answer is found in what we don't want!
Anyway as expected
she was as sweet as pie for the first 2 months after which she erupted and
ripped into Mo’at. It was the first time
I stood up to her and felt quite liberated.
It changed the whole dynamic of our relationship thereafter. The rest of their stay was pretty tense and
we were glad to see them leave.
The other lesson I
learnt was how heavily my sister was influenced by mum. I was always close to
my sister (there is only 1 year gap between us) until this time. However, when
mum used to call her I used to listen in on the conversation. I know
eavesdropping is childish but remember I was an ignorant co-dependent at the
time. Thereafter I never really made an effort to keep in contact with sis.
Even when I
discovered I was co-dependent I called her but never made an effort after that
to tell her. I now know why. Whilst my brother had obvious symptoms of
co-dependency, my sister didn’t. Also
both my brother and I repelled from mum, whereas my sister is actually drawn to
her; she is a mum pleaser. That’s how she gains her approval and acceptance.
Thanks, Neytiri for making this apparent to me now. I will definitely be
calling sis on my return.
The last time I
visited the folks at home, one thing I really became aware of was whenever I
spoke to them I always ended up shouting and feeling tense. I could never appear to hold a calm
conversation with them for an extended period.
At the time I did not know why but now I do.
So this is dad’s side
of the family.
Brother No.1 was married
but divorced soon thereafter. Never remarried. Engaged prostitutes; was treated like a kid by his mother and always shouted at her
when he spoke to her. Now lives on his own.
Bother No.2 – left the
family home at an early age; drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney; used
to live a good, party life; married late and had 1 kid. Dead at 49! It I was
him I’d be dead. I always like him and got along well with him.
Sister No. 1 – the matriarch;
never married; had a long-term incestuous relationship with her first cousin;
was like a second mother to us (maybe that’s why I used to have teenage fantasies
about her!); big influence on her sisters. Died of a brain tumour a few years
ago.
Sister No. 2 – got married
when I was still young; I can vaguely remember the wedding. Never really liked
her husband who was killed in an armed robbery. Probably the sanest of the lot.
Still living, the best life of the lot.
Sister No. 3 – the snoot,
married a doctor and left the country. Thank goodness. Husband not too bad,
good sense of humour. She now has Parkinson’s. Still living the cold life.
Sister No 4. – the youngest
and coolest. Had an affair with her
boss. Married a guy who continued his affair with his girlfriend after the marriage. Threatened each other with divorce at one stage. Has one kid who is epileptic. Still living and cool although a bit of a gossip.
It is any wonder I’m
co-dependent!
Hi, my name is Jake
and I am co-dependent.
For some reason the 19th
day of the month has been a major turning point in events so far.
1. 19th January 2011 –
Neytiri sends her first text.
2. 19th May 2011 – I
discuss my step 5 with Neytiri.
3. 19th June 2011 –
Father’s day text from Neytiri.
4. 19th July 2011 – I
have a spiritual awakening!
5. 19th September 2011 –
I visit the shaman, T.
6. 19th November 2011 –
Neytiri wants to know whether I can feel her.
7. 19th December 2011 –
Charlene Soraia text
8. 19th January 2012 – Do
you love me text?
9. 19th March 2012 – Neytiri finishes her
step 5 (and the relationship?)
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