My Childhood - Unplugged

9^th March 2012 – Jake – We spend most of our time talking about nothing but I just want to let you know that all these nothings mean so much more to me than so many somethings.

When Neytiri told me not only have the past 2 year been the best of her life, she also said she wants to spend her next life and the rest of eternity with me!  I am deeply moved by this.  I have not said it before but that’s exactly how I feel.

The next time we talk she tells me she enjoys it when we talk about nothing in particular.  She finds it therapeutic?

I attended a CoDA meeting last night and the topic for sharing was  Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I shared with the group my awakening on 19^th July 2011 and how I have experienced a miraculous change, as promised in the CoDA promises, in my life.  I told them if I had to tell them all that’s happened since then they would ask “What have you been smoking?”

I told them we are blessed because if we follow the steps we are guaranteed a spiritual awakening. If a wretch like me can have it then anyone can and I wished everyone could have what I have. It is my calling to carry the message of hope for one and all (hence this blog).

Neytiri agreed that I was a wretch.  I wish she could have what I have.  Anyway at the start of meetings, we read the CoDA welcome and I have heard it numerous times before.  But yesterday was different.  I was overcome with a strange feeling that I had to share this (the Welcome message) with Neytiri, which I did later that night.  At the time I did not know why but as our chat progressed the reason became apparent; the time was ripe!

I have never previously elaborated about my childhood in this blog.  I was raised in a dysfunctional family system. My parents were always arguing late in the night; my mother attempted suicide when I was say 4-6 years old. I did not find out about this until I was about 11 years old.

I was sexually abused as a child and did not know this until I was around 15 years old.  She used to wake me up in the mornings for school.  But before that, she would be on top of me; kissing me. It always felt a bit strange when I got up but one morning I caught her in the act.  I never told anyone about this until I started therapy last year.  I carried her shame for 49 years!  As a young adult, the first time I fingered a vagina, it felt strangely familiar; I did not know why.

The therapist told me I suffered childhood trauma around rejection, abandonment and abuse; the technical term is post-traumatic stress disorder.   This manifested in my co-dependent traits and my belief system.  I developed elaborate coping mechanism to deal with my shame and negative feelings.

I always had an issue around women and intimacy, for example.  I was never really comfortable.  I also always found it difficult to talk about sexual organs. I never knew what love was or meant and I had difficulty with boundaries.

My brother is or was an alcoholic and I am not sure what impact it had on my sister. When I read Pia Melody’s book I was obliged to call my brother and sister to share with them my discovery and situation and also to find out their memories of our childhood.  I called my brother, and we had a long chat (probably the longest conversation I ever had with him) about it.    He could not remember much except that my dad used to belt him.  This surprised me because I always thought dad was the passive one. My brother was not aware of mum's suicide attempt so I probably unintentionally traumatised him.  I trust he will one day find his peace.

I called my sister but she was not home.  Since then I have not felt compelled to share with her.  I don’t know why. I think it is because she is very receptive to mum's influence.

Am I bitter? Do I hold any resentment? Do I blame anyone? The answer is no.  I have forgiven myself and I have forgiven my perpetrator.  Thanks to the CoDA program, my sponsor and my therapist, I have found God, joy and peace.  And thanks especially to Neytiri; I now know what love is.  THERE IS ONLY LOVE!


I attended Dr John Demartini's Breakthrough Experience a few years ago and he stated that 50% of the attendees would have been abused as children (at least half of these sexually) and in most cases by someone they knew.  I did not think I belonged to this group at all.  Now I know better.

As I mentioned earlier, I read the CoDA welcome and the reason became apparent. Neytiri found the courage to share with me an experience she has not told anyone about. I feel privileged and blessed she found the courage and trust to tell me.  In that moment I felt so very present and there was only love.  I now know she has started the healing process and she will have what I have.  I know she WILL BE rocketed into the 4^th Dimension. I’m there for you, now and in eternity...God willing.


I will pray for us..Thy Will be done.

9^th March 2012 – Jake – You see, I’m not an angel, though I wanted to be. I’ve hurt so many people just by being me. But you, a stranger, who passed by me, became an angel in my heart where no one can see..Ish’llah

In the Moment I love myself...

Even if I do not feel loving, I act as if I love myself.

I get enough rest and exercise,

I provide healthy, nutritious food for my body.

I listen to my inner self.

I nurture it and give it what it needs to heal.

I stimulate my mind to learn and try new things.

I listen to my spirit for the wisdom in its quiet voice and subtle guidance,

I allow my genuine self to shine through and my masks to fall way.

I am whole.

I am me.

I AM!