If this is the first time you have come across this material and you think that you have come across it by accident or happenstance, think again. This material came to you at exactly the right time, in exactly the right way, in answer to your mind’s search and your heart’s prayer and your soul’s invitation.
BELIEVE IT.
NOTHING happens by chance.
NOTHING…………………………..........………......Neil Donald Welsch
30thMarch 2012 – Jake– I’ve always been told
to share my blessings and I’ve been generous. But when I met you, I said to
myself, “What the heck? You’re one of the few blessings I don’t wanna share
with anyone else.”
Tonight was to be our
final night before I leave to go back to my roots and I had previously told
Neytiri, I would like to finish the steps with her so the spiritual life can
truly commence. (It was just like E did with me.)
She said she was now
ready to surrender. So we started
reading and going through the relevant pages of the Big Book. As she read, I was awestruck by the content
and how relevant it was to her, to me and to us. We definitely all share the same
sins/experiences. The sponsoring trauma is the same; it is just the subsequent
manifestation that differs.
The Force was so
strong this night you could cut it with a knife! She did het Step 3 prayer and
straight away I noticed a change in her demeanour. She became joyous & happy and had a
radiate glow. It was an amazing sight. I
was so happy for us.
She said she felt she
wanted to just be with me, wishing I was there in the moment. She had a genuine smile and it was not the little
girl.
We finished the steps and I felt
intense joy and peace. I now knew we
were on “the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the
Universe.”
She had built her
spiritual arch and now it is just a matter of time before she is rocketed into
the 4th dimension.
But as the
Big Book says; this is only the beginning. Faith
without works is dead. We have to be
ever vigilant not to become complacent.
This is so true, as I
find that as I am working with Neytiri, it is a refresher for me. I am getting just as much out of it as her.
So we have now drawn
a line in the sand. She will now live in
Steps 10 to 12 as she heals the past and moves forward. We have to gain awareness so as not to repeat
our past mistakes. This is the challenging part. It will be painful but we come out the other end a better person. Have faith: Let go
and Let God! Thy Will, not mine, be done.
I am amazed at the
power and simplicity of the Big Book. I
cannot understand why some people spend $000’s of dollars on therapy and
medications but hesitate to spend a few dollars to buy the Big Book. Maybe it’s denial or they are scared to face
the truth. Self-will run riot. I think Neytiri has now realised it’s
power. Pure Magic!
“We are willing to grow along spiritual lines....We claim
spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.”
“We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension
of existence of which we had not even dreamed.”
Perfectionism is the illusory holy grail of the ego.
When you strive to be perfect you will always end up feeling like a failure. However well you do, however much you achieve or attain, it will never feel like ‘enough’ because it will never be perfect, and hence will never quench the insatiable appetite of perfectionism. Instead, you are left feeling hollow and that you have somehow fallen short.
Perfectionism blinds you to your inherent worth and value, diminishing positives whilst over emphasizing negatives.
You spot what’s wrong, what’s not perfect, yet fail to see the assets, achievements, value, gifts, and beauty that’s there.
Perfectionism keeps you separate from love, acceptance and appreciation. It creates unattainable standards and expectations and offers no fruits in return, being devoid of feelings of success, triumph, celebration, and so on.
The futile quest for perfectionism is a compensation for a belief that who you are is not enough. Seeking perfection is an attempt to rid feelings of inadequacy, shame and valuelessness, yet sadly it only compounds these.
If you are trying to be perfect you will not be able to love yourself as who you are right now.
It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being YOU.
The more you love and accept yourself just as you are, the more easily you will let go of what you are not and experience your true wondrous nature.
Perfectionism can also be paralysing because you become overly concerned about your performance, choices even, out of a fear of them being wrong by being ‘imperfect’.
Excellence is worth striving for. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is an ego trap. It is linked to higher levels of fear, control, feelings of inadequacy, and a lack of self-acceptance.
2. Judgment
When you judge yourself you are condemning yourself for your mistakes, flaws, weaknesses, or failings. Same goes with others.
We all have opinions, view points and perspectives that we are entitled to hold, of course. Being judgmental is a different energy, and is essentially about making you or someone wrong. Judgments hurt. With regard to judging yourself, the worse you feel about yourself the less likely you are to heal, change and experience your loving true nature. Same goes with others.
When you accept yourself as who you are, however, you more easily let go of what you’re not.
Judgment compounds that which is judged (in yourself or others) and keeps you bound and captive to those traits, keeping alive mistakes and failures.
Love, understanding, compassion and forgiveness, conversely, enable you to let go of and move beyond that which you are not, and that which is un-serving – be that thoughts and feelings, beliefs, hurts, fears, or people and situations in your life.
The more you love yourself unconditionally, the more your world will reflect that in happy positive realities and successes. Let go of self-judgment and choose to accept and appreciate yourself instead and see how your world positively transforms by that alone. You may need to start by giving yourself permission to do so, permission to love yourself.
If feel other people judge you or are hard on you, look at how you may be judging yourself. If you are punishing and criticising yourself in your mind or through sabotaging situations and behaviour, know your negative ego is at play, not your higher self.
We all make mistakes. Forgiveness is the way through and allows a new day, cleansing and refreshing you and your world.
3. Guilt
Guilt is a form of self-punishment. When you feel guilty you are stuck in a self-defeating swamp, your ‘magnetising potential’ for attracting positivity greatly diminishes, and you are likely to repel if not sabotage success.
Guilt invites punishment and victim scenarios, for if you do not punish yourself for the guilt you feel, consciously or otherwise, you may attract that punishment that you subconsciously feel in another form by way of people and circumstances you attract.
Guilt has no redeeming features. When you feel guilty you do not serve the one you feel guilty towards, or yourself, in any way. It is certainly not noble, though many, sadly, believe that it is. Guilt can also be arrogant, making everything about you and the impact you have, very often as an extension of feeling overly responsible for others.
Guilt keeps you stuck in the past and held back from correcting the ‘mistake’ and moving on. Furthermore, the guiltier someone feels, ironically the more likely the may be to re-do or re-live the behaviour they feel guilty about, because the worse someone feels and the more they believe they are ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ the more their behaviour may reflect that.
Guilt can also lead you to resenting the person or situation you feel guilty towards, which doesn’t serve them or you either. Instead of feeling guilty, acknowledge, forgive yourself, embrace any learnings, and step into the new – wiser, more loving and responsible than before.
We all make mistakes. It’s part of being human. Guilt is an ego trap that leads to self-punishment and keeps you from loving yourself, which also diminishes your ability to love others. Being aware of that in itself can help you nip it in the bud.
Your upbringing may have instilled feelings of guilt, perhaps even guilt about being alive (though this may not be conscious), and religions can also generate feelings of guilt with ‘right-wrong’ dichotomies.
I believe you can make a choice not to feel guilty. Give yourself permission to stop it. You can care, love, be responsible and act from your conscience without guilt, in fact, more so without it.
27th March 2012 – Neytiri – Clocks have moved forward an hour. Are you gonna Skype me? If so what time.
27th March 2012 – Jake– Better for me; same for u. 12 noon ok?
27th March 2012 – Neytiri – Ok.
After our last chat when I was kicked in the butt, for some reason I felt empty the next couple of days.I mean I am at peace we our relation and have set her free before, so why the feeling. After thinking about it for a while I realised I was attached to the title of this blog!
So many people and books have been responsible for my spiritual awakening and growth but the main person has been Neytiri.At some level I must be thinking without her it is all meaningless.But I now realise it does not matter one iota. We are always together in spirit and that’s what matters; nothing else. So feel at peace once again...ish’llah.
It took a lot of courage for Neytiri to tell me about her past and she judged herself harshly (as is expected) and thought she is will not be lovable (by me) anymore after this.The bigger issue is she does not love herself. She does not believe she is lovable so how can anyone else love her.This is the co-dependent spiral. The wounded, vulnerable child.So what is the inner child?
What is our inner-child and why is understanding and healing our inner-child so important?
The primitive ego of our inner-child is the unconscious psyche of childhood stuck or frozen by shame from the trauma and wounds of childhood. Psychologists call this unconscious psyche our shadow; the unconscious primitive ego of our wounded inner-child. The wounds caused by unmet developmental needs in childhood are the cause of virtually all of the unhappiness, conflict and violence we see in the world today.
When our basic developmental needs such as unconditional love…compassion…empathy… listening… acceptance…validation…affirmation and approval are not met in early childhood, our primitive ego begins to assume there is something basically wrong with us. We personalize the hurt and feel ashamed that we are not good enough to be loved. We then hide the shame in our unconscious along with our true self and go to work creating a false self…a mask we wear that represents the “self” we think we “should” be. Cut off from our true self, the primitive ego of our wounded inner-child experiences sadness, isolation and loneliness.
We may have created a “nice person” false self (mask) to hide the childhood feelings buried in our unconscious (our shadow material) but there is an important truth that we cannot ignore—we create in the outer world what we are unconsciously feeling in the inner world. We unconsciously externalize the shame we feel inside.
We have to stop living the lie and ask:
Who am I?
What do I want?
She asked me, what do I want? I told her I want to find my authentic self with her by my side, with me and in me, as one! As it is meant to be.
So Neytiri has a lot of soul searching to do in our “time out” period.However, being the person she is she has already decided to put others first at this important juncture. Such is life!
28th March 2012 – Jake– For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow...Ish’llah
NB : Unlikely to be a new post for a couple of weeks.
We spend a lot of our lives looking for role models, mentors, teachers, and gurus to guide us on our path. There is nothing wrong with this and, in fact, finding the right person at the right time can really help. However, it is important to realize that in the absence of such a figure, we can very safely rely upon ourselves. We carry within us everything we need to know to make progress on our paths to self-realization. The outer world serves as a mirror. Or to use another metaphor, our inner world has a magnetic force that draws to us what we need to evolve to the next level. All we need to do to see that we already have everything we need is to let go of our belief that we need to seek in order to find.
The path of the spirit is often defined as a journey with a goal such as the fabled pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. In this metaphor, a person begins a search for something they want but do not have and then they find it, and there is a happy ending. However, most of us know that getting what we want only makes us happy for a moment, and then the happiness passes until a new object of desire presents itself. Joy is a permanent aspect of our inner selves and is not separate from us at any point. We do not have to travel to find it or imagine that it resides only in the body of another. In fact, what the best teachers will do is point out that this very precious elixir is something we already possess.
So when we find ourselves on our path, not knowing which way to turn and wishing for guidance, we can turn to ourselves. We may not know the right answer rationally or intellectually, but if we simply ask, let go, and wait patiently, an answer will come. The more we practice this and trust this process, the less we will look outside ourselves for teachers and guides for we will have successfully become our own.
The voice of love is the voice of your heart, and speaks the wisdom of your soul and spirit; the you beyond your personality and ego, untainted by the conditioned mind and limited thinking.
It is always kind and speaks compassionately about yourself and others. It seeks to understand the why behind the what, the luminous intent behind any deed, the innocence at the heart of all.
Love seeks, and hence finds, love, and views negativity for what it is – a call for help, greater love and understanding, an opportunity for forgiveness, or a vehicle for growth and building inner strength.
How do you know the voice of love is speaking?
Well, let’s first look at how you know when it’s not speaking, or perhaps better put, when you are least likely to hear it.
When you are judging, blaming, ignorant about a person, blinded by bad attitude, fear, or anger, the voice of love may be hard to hear.
One way to know you are listening to the voice of love is that it invariably makes you feels GOOD. And not in any egotistic way, such as feeling ‘better than’ or righteous, but good because of the sweet realization of other people’s and your own inherent nature, however far they or you may appear from that at the time.
Love connects you to your value and worth, and is abundant and nourishing in its appreciation of self and others, seeking only the best in people.
Even if it speaks a wisdom that challenges your current perspectives, it will do so lovingly and with the grace of compassion that allows truths to be assimilated by your heart and mind.
Love lets you know you are safe, deserving, and belonging. It brings these awarenesses and other divine truths to your heart in beautiful and healing ways, like a honey-gold light that fills you from the inside out, restoring peace, well-being, faith and joy.
The voice of love rekindles hope, and shines light on the way through of any situation. It reminds you that you are loved, loving and loveable, and this is ultimately all you need to know. When you embrace and accept this truth, you rest in a sanctuary of peace, and external negativity either resolves, or no longer bothers you.
Love shines light on the gift in any problem, and encourages you to keep going. It reminds you that change is always right here, right now, for indeed, the miracle of love is that anything can be healed in an instant by awakening to love.
The voice of love may be direct like a laser beam, a burst of sunshine, giggles bubbling from your heart, or a soft gentle wave that envelopes you in liquid light.
Its messages may be profound, life-changing, or simply light-hearted and playful.
The voice of love may have varying tones, but one thing is sure, it will always leave you feeling better about yourself and others. It nurtures your heart like a healing balm, and reminds you of the essential truth that only love is real, and that love lies at the heart of all.
The voice of love can be missed, or dimmed and blocked by ego agendas, everyday distractions, stress, negative beliefs, worry, hurt, ignorance, and constricting emotions.
Your personality self, it’s programs and conditioned and reactionary thinking, and the impact of others, can drown out the sweet melodies of love.
For this reason, taking time to be still, meditate, pause, ponder, rest, and reflect, can all help you reconnect to the voice of love within.
Listen for the voice of love in the crowded house of mind, soft it speaks yet endless are the echoes of this treasured find.
Nature, so imbued with love, can also be a wonderful way to open to greater love. Its beauty stirs the heart and soul, and elevates you to higher states of consciousness.
The voice of love is the voice of your Higher Self, the spiritual being that you are, and the Creator. Your Higher Self is the highest aspect of your consciousness closest to Source. It knows you inside-out, more than you know yourself, and loves you totally and unconditionally.
Meditations and exercises to develop your intuition and connect with your Higher Self can help you access and listen more closely to love’s call, and the insights and guidance that are there for you in every moment.
Your feelings can also be a great guide to reflect on your connection to love. If you’re feeling in a bad way, you may be less open to hearing love’s voice, but that’s OK; you came here to experience the spectrums of human emotion. To live authentically is to be in touch with all your emotions. Love may not be constantly felt, but it is consistently available.
Whatever your feelings, start by honouring and accepting them. Don’t deny, judge, avoid or repress them. Acknowledge them and allow them to be felt and experienced so they can move through you and be released.
When you allow yourself to feel, you move through layers of emotion. Even if they get darker initially, you will eventually come to a clearing, freeing yourself of denser emotions.
In the brightness and space that follows love can more readily shine its light, like sunshine piercing through dissipating clouds.
The voice of love knows your highest path, and the answers to your questions. It knows the true nature of others and yourself. It brings joy, wisdom, healing, and new beginnings, and enables you to let go of painful past experiences, holding wide open the door of forgiveness that grants you freedom and new birth.
Love is the most potent healing force. There is ultimately nothing that enough love will not heal, transform and transcend.
24th March 2012 – Jake– There’s a love that
only you can give, a smile that only your lips can show, a twinkle that can
only be seen in your eyes and my life that only you can complete.
Hi, my name is Jake
and I am co-dependent.
After attending a
recent CoDA meeting and the recent events in my life I was reminded that one is
never “cured” but always in recovery; ever vigilant lest I slip or
relapse. One day at a time...Thy Will be done!
In the next few days I
will depart to visit my family of origin after an absence of 13 years. It will
also be my first visit since starting my recovery. I am looking forward to it as it will test my
recovery to date.
I last saw my primary
care givers 8½ years ago when they visited us at the time of my son’s birth. It
was the first time, in probably 20 years we lived under the same roof for an
extended period of time.
It was definitely an
eye opener for me, as I realised the number of character traits I picked up
from mum. I was astounded! Also I realised for the first time that I had
married my “mother”! It came as quite a shock to me. In that moment, it dawned on me I got married for the wrong reasons. We tend to focus on what we want. But sometimes the answer is found in what we don't want!
Anyway as expected
she was as sweet as pie for the first 2 months after which she erupted and
ripped into Mo’at. It was the first time
I stood up to her and felt quite liberated.
It changed the whole dynamic of our relationship thereafter. The rest of their stay was pretty tense and
we were glad to see them leave.
The other lesson I
learnt was how heavily my sister was influenced by mum. I was always close to
my sister (there is only 1 year gap between us) until this time. However, when
mum used to call her I used to listen in on the conversation. I know
eavesdropping is childish but remember I was an ignorant co-dependent at the
time. Thereafter I never really made an effort to keep in contact with sis.
Even when I
discovered I was co-dependent I called her but never made an effort after that
to tell her. I now know why. Whilst my brother had obvious symptoms of
co-dependency, my sister didn’t. Also
both my brother and I repelled from mum, whereas my sister is actually drawn to
her; she is a mum pleaser. That’s how she gains her approval and acceptance.
Thanks, Neytiri for making this apparent to me now. I will definitely be
calling sis on my return.
The last time I
visited the folks at home, one thing I really became aware of was whenever I
spoke to them I always ended up shouting and feeling tense. I could never appear to hold a calm
conversation with them for an extended period.
At the time I did not know why but now I do.
So this is dad’s side
of the family.
Brother No.1 was married
but divorced soon thereafter. Never remarried. Engaged prostitutes; was treated like a kid by his mother and always shouted at her
when he spoke to her. Now lives on his own.
Bother No.2 – left the
family home at an early age; drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney; used
to live a good, party life; married late and had 1 kid. Dead at 49! It I was
him I’d be dead. I always like him and got along well with him.
Sister No. 1 – the matriarch;
never married; had a long-term incestuous relationship with her first cousin;
was like a second mother to us (maybe that’s why I used to have teenage fantasies
about her!); big influence on her sisters. Died of a brain tumour a few years
ago.
Sister No. 2 – got married
when I was still young; I can vaguely remember the wedding. Never really liked
her husband who was killed in an armed robbery. Probably the sanest of the lot.
Still living, the best life of the lot.
Sister No. 3 – the snoot,
married a doctor and left the country. Thank goodness. Husband not too bad,
good sense of humour. She now has Parkinson’s. Still living the cold life.
Sister No 4. – the youngest
and coolest. Had an affair with her
boss. Married a guy who continued his affair with his girlfriend after the marriage. Threatened each other with divorce at one stage. Has one kid who is epileptic. Still living and cool although a bit of a gossip.
It is any wonder I’m
co-dependent!
Hi, my name is Jake
and I am co-dependent.
For some reason the 19th
day of the month has been a major turning point in events so far.
1.19th January 2011 –
Neytiri sends her first text.
2.19th May 2011 – I
discuss my step 5 with Neytiri.
3.19th June 2011 –
Father’s day text from Neytiri.
4.19th July 2011 – I
have a spiritual awakening!
5.19th September 2011 –
I visit the shaman, T.
6.19th November 2011 –
Neytiri wants to know whether I can feel her.
7.19th December 2011 –
Charlene Soraia text
8.19th January 2012 – Do
you love me text?
9. 19th March 2012 – Neytiri finishes her
step 5 (and the relationship?)
22ndMarch 2012 – Neytiri – I can't get through this without you.
22ndMarch 2012 – Jake– We r in this together 4 life & I'm willing if u r. R we on skype later?
22ndMarch 2012 – Neytiri – I'm taking my nephew for fish and chips so i can't. I just needed to know that i wasn't alone. Skype you next week.
22ndMarch 2012 – Jake– Only if u keep your promise to visit me!
22ndMarch 2012 – Neytiri – Yes
Last night I attended a CoDA meeting. I try I attend a meeting at least once a month.I used to attend weekly but have since cut back. I would attend more often but I find it too far to travel, especially in peak traffic.I am a bit spoilt in that all my day to day activities are with 10 kms of home.So anything further is too far!
Last night was wet and I was in 2 minds whether to attend or not and felt drawn to the meeting. What always amazes is when I do attend the topic for discussion is about something that is relevant in my life at that moment or something I am reading about!
Yesterday’s topic was Tradition 5 : Each group has but one primary purpose: to carry its message to other codependents who still suffer.
This was relevant for me considering the recent step 5 work I did with Neytiri and my encounter with G. a few weeks ago. However I was humbled by one of the attendee’s comments that in the beginning she was an evangelist in her crusade and tried to convince someone the CoDA program is the solution to all their problems. She could not understand why the person rejected her crusade.So she warned be careful.
I was reminded of Tradition 11 which states …based on attraction rather than promotion… Effectively wait for the person to reach out rather than advocate or push my view. I suppose it was a lesson I had already learnt but was good to have it reinforced.
I had a restless night and it was like my Higher Power was doing a memory dump on me.I was getting so many questions answered I could not keep up and right now not really tired.
On a positive note Neytiri is to keep her promise to visit me. I was relieved because, coincidentally at the weekend I had to dodge a bullet from Mo’at regarding her plans for the next school holidays.Suffice to say I would have been in deep if Neytiri pulled out of her visit.
The song was indicated to me and I listened to it many times after I was kicked in the groin the first time back in July 2011. At that time it did not particularly resonate although I enjoyed listening to it. After last night, I believe the time is now appropriate and it has meaning for me. Only this time I was kicked in the butt (my butt was sore yesterday) and not the groin!
I told Neytiri the Force was strong these last couple of days and she gave me a blank look. She looked beautiful, especially her hair. We briefly danced around my mischief around letting her think I was visiting her today and I said when I really do visit you are not going to believe me. She said I will not visit her nor will she be visiting me! This was huge. The black widow strikes.
She said she has a lot more clarity now and the pieces of her puzzle were now falling into place. She had a tough weekend and hit bottom on Saturday and she prayed, really prayed! Her prayers may have been answered because she was cold and premeditated in her approach. She said I was not her soul mate nor was Tsu’tey. She did not believe she could ever have a soul mate. We do not share the same sins because her sins were much bigger (could be a new TV series: The Biggest Sinner). And her onion was huge. She now knows why she said she would need to come back many times.
Judge, jury and executioner! The power of clarity. Dismiss those who love you the most.
She asked me questions about things I had written in this blog (that’s the problem with writing stuff down; it is open to interpretation or misinterpretation. That’s why I could never understand English literature in school. I mean, how do we know what the author was thinking about?).
She said every time she opens the Power of Now she reads about the impermanence of everything. Once a person has served their purpose they move on from your life and she has come to the conclusion that this is the case for us. I’m now feeling like a sperm donor.
She continued : After what I am about to tell you, you probably will not need or want to know me. She went on to tell me about her childhood life growing up in a dysfunctional family system. She was disjointed, vague and full of innuendo and I don’t think I got the gist of what she said. However, what was apparent was the great shame, pain and fear she was experiencing. This is a natural reaction.
I recall when I realised back in December 2010 I was co-dependent my level of shame increased 100 fold as I realised how “bad” I had been. The suppressed memories came to the fore in a flood; it was my body healing. We have do a proper house clean in order to recover. So, well done, Neytiri!
At the time it was tough to take, so I can empathise with her although she has been going through this for a few months now or probably longer. See, she could never hold a smile and I always told her so, the outside reflects the inside. In fact she did well to hold up until now because it must have been eating at her insides.
She thought there could be an easy way out and I now laugh thinking about how she thought being present means the past doesn’t matter.
Her reaction and response to the alleged clarity (the egoic mind!) does not surprise me. We co-dependents when triggered or put under pressure default to our coping mechanisms; we build a wall behind which we live. It is safe there and no one can harm us. Our trust was betrayed at a very young age by the only people we could trust at that age (our major care givers), so we learn to cope on our own. We don’t trust and believe in God. We become our own higher power. We are not good enough.
We live a lie and change like chameleons to adapt to the world, stay out of the limelight lest we get exposed and hurt. We lead a life based on what we expect others to expect of us. We are never true to ourselves nor do we know our authentic selves. The mind (ego) is an amazing organ and the inner child will create extensive coping mechanisms that feed off a false belief system of how “bad” we are.
Hence, Neytiri is now in a place where she can’t trust me, Tus’tey or anyone close to her except for those in the wall, the circle of trust. But these are the very people who perpetuate her and their own co-dependency. That’s the irony, the Neytiri dilemma.
I do not how long her journey will take from denial to acceptance and finally recovery. I am always there for her in spirit (she is safe in my heart). As part of this journey she will discover the truth behind her relations with males and more importantly her muffin top. It is no coincidence it has emerged on her return to her family of origin.
I will continue to pray for us. We previously agreed that we would make all major decisions together, a group conscience decision. I came across this beautiful idea in CoDA where no decisions are rushed, each person prays for guidance and then makes their decision and the group consensus rules. If a decision cannot be reached it is deferred until such time the group conscience is in agreement. The Big Book is the result of a group conscience.
She may think it is over because it is easy for co-dependents to run from their problems. We find it difficult to ask for help because there was never anyone to help us and we never became vulnerable again to let people in to help us.
Whilst Neytiri has done the hard yards by doing steps 4 and 5 she needs to do the basics Steps 1 to 3. However, step 12 has taught me not to be a preacher, reformer or evangelist. Nor should I talk down from any moral or spiritual hilltop. I should also be careful I do not brand her as co-dependent, she should draw her own conclusion (A bit late for that now). I am always available if needed.
It was probably one of the shortest talks we had ever had and one where I spoke the least. I was amazed at my composure. As she talked all I felt was perfect love, joy and peace and I was so very present. I am so grateful for this. I have grown so much. A couple of months ago I would not have been able to handle this. I would have viewed it from my co-dependent sense of rejection and abandonment. I have no such negativity about her feelings.
She once asked me what K.A.N.K. means and when I told her it means “Never say goodbye”, she promised she never would. So instead her final words were “You go now.”
I could not help but think of it as life imitating art. In the movie, Avatar Neytiri feels betrayed by Jake and tells him “You go from here. You will never be part of the people.”
Later Jake narrates: "Outcast. Betrayer. Alien. I was in the place the eye does not see. I needed their help. And they needed mine. But to ever face them again, I was gonna have to take it to a whole new level."
And Jake sets off to bond with the Toruk Macto. When Neytiri see Jake with the Toruk she realises she SEES the real Jake and she has no more fears.That’s what I need right now, a Toruk Macto. Actually I already have one; it’s just that Neytiri is blind to it!
Tsu’tey said the following: "Toruk Macto, I will fly with you."
This line always gives me goose bumps and I get all emotional. I never understood why until now. Wow! The Power of Clarity.
As the emotional tsunami flows through our lives leaving a trail of destruction and pain, the energy can also be harnessed for positive use and there is always re-growth after a tsunami. I trust we may do it together, if it is God’s will.
So it is over? If I get a sign or message indicating it is so from my Higher Power, then so be it. Until then I am not sad it may be over, but happy and blessed it happened.
My door is open to her or anyone else that reaches out. The Force is strong as I write this; May the Force be with you Neytiri, now and always.
Yea, let all those who have ears to hear, listen. For I tell you this: at the critical juncture in all human relations, there is only one question:
“WHAT WOULD LOVE DO NOW?”
Is my prophesy now relevant? - There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.
18th March 2012 – Jake– To love is nothing. To
be loved is something. To love and be loved is everything. I am nothing, you're
something, so let me be your everything.
Love is composed of a single soul
inhabiting two bodies.
Uniting two halves of one soul is
inevitable, but timing depends upon your level of spirituality. When the time
is ripe, true soul mates find one another even if they are worlds apart –
whether physically, on opposite sides of the globe, or spiritually, with
contrasting lifestyles and backgrounds. Here’s wishing you the courage to keep
growing so that you may know – or continue to know – the blessing of oneness.
A soulmate is someone who has locks
that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open
the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who
we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be.
Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around
us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soul mate is
someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two
balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right
person. Our soul mate is the one who makes life come to life.
A person with whom you have an
immediate connection the moment you meet - a connection so strong that you are
drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection
develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you
begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soul mate
understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings
a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you
are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life,
and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and
satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that
much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift
and will always be thankful.
I felt obligated to review the soul
mate definitions and am astounded at how real they are for me. I can honestly relate
to each one! Hallelujah!
After our last chat I have been
blessed with miraculous clarity. The pieces of the jigsaw puzzle are now making
sense, all part of the law of cause and effect. I can feel her pain, fears, anguish and
anxiety but at the same time a sense of liberation. I know what it is like to live a lie; I've done it for 49 years! I now know we are on the right path; the time
is ripe to heal the past, build her spiritual arch and be rocketed into the 4th dimension. I also understand why she wants peace when
she visits. Just a few more steps and we’re there, my dear. You shall have more than peace.
So I have been thinking about how this
soulmate thing works and have many questions. I’m one of those who put the anal
into analytical!
So the soul splits in 2 and enters the
physical world to have 2 experiences for the price of 1. Hence, how do we
explain the 5 year difference in age?
It’s possible Neytiri’s last life was short one and ended within 5
years. Or she could have has 2 or 3
short lives. That’s possible.
The soul conspires to bring the 2
parts together at some stage in the physical world and then what happens? A number of permutations.
The 2 become 1 and move on to the next
life.
One dies and the other now contains
the One combined soul and continues life as a whole.
The soul combines in one and a new
soul enters the other.
The 2 halves swap bodies; this would
be weird, living as a chick (and vice versa).
Or nothing changes and life goes
on.
I’m drifting into the future again.
Time will tell; until then stay present and still!
Another observation I have made is
that all the women that I have been close to have exhibited co-dependent
traits. Here I was thinking I was a
chick magnet and all I get is chicks with baggage; like chicks with dicks!
Maybe that’s my calling in this
incarnation..God willing.
Lately I've been trying to find the words To prove my love is true And that no matter what happens in this world I’ll be there for you
I’ll be there for you when you need someone To come and hold you tight I’ll be there for you even if you call In the middle of the night
I’ll be there for you when the rain won’t stop Falling upon your life I’ll wipe your tears and chase your fears I’ll help you with your fight
I’ll do my best to protect you from harm To keep you safe and well And when you have a problem hidden I’ll be who you can tell
I’ll take your very darkest night And I’ll make it bright for you And even if we are far apart My love will still be true
And even if they send me away to That hospital far away I wont give up… I’ll fight for us Every hour of every day
When this world turns bitter and cold And you don’t know what to do I’ll be the one that’s there to hold Together we’ll pull through
When you're alone calling out for help Struggling to even stand I’ll use my strength to keep you up I’ll hold out to you, my hand
And I know these are but just words on a page But they mean so very much more They are everything that I promise to do They are everything for you, I’d endure
And I know I’m not as strong as before And maybe now I’m a little weak But my love for you still stands as strong Even when this world turns bleak
You've given me a reason to live and to fight So I’ll live and I’ll fight for you For I know together, even though we've suffered In the end we will pull through
All this pain that you've been handed You don’t deserve a drop You're not a bad person and you've done nothing wrong So I’ll fight for your pain to stop
It makes me angry that someone so pure Should be made to feel this pain I know that there’s no miracle cure But I’ll try to stop this rain
So when the world turns bitter and cold And you don’t know what to do You never have to be afraid cos’ I’ll be there for you
16th March 2012 – Jake– H-R-T? What would you add to these letters? EA or U? EA, you get heart. U, you get hurt. Now, what would you pick? Well, I would pick U because it’s better to get hurt than have a heart without U.
R.E.M.’s Losing My Religion was indicated to me and for some reason it has had an impact on me; I can’t stop listening to it. I had a look at the lyrics but got nothing. Maybe it will come in time or have some reason for Neytiri.
Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream, try, cry, why, try
That was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream
Dream
Wow; just reading the lyrics again and after last night’s chat with Neytiri, I think it is very relevant to her! I am getting all teary and I feel so blessed. Messages from our Higher Power
Kabbalah has a belief that we share the same sins as everyone who passes through our lives at any moment. I never really understood what it meant until now. Native Americans have a saying “Don’t judge someone until you have walked a 1,000 steps in their moccasins.”
In Conversations with God he talks about to find out all that we are, we need to know all that we are not. The soul’s purpose is to experience everything, “good”, “bad”, “right” and “wrong” so it can discover who it is.
So in that sense we have all being murderers, rapists, crooks, adulterers, kings, priests, saints, etc. whether in this life or past lives. So at some level we have all shared the same experiences. So my take it sins is actually experiences. Because there is no “good” or “bad”.
So there you go, we share the same experiences (sins) as everyone who passes through our lives at any moment.
After our last chat, when I realised that Neytiri was not ready I felt a sense of relief. A burden off my shoulders. I had inadvertently thought it was my role to offer her salvation. It is not. My role is the same as it is to my fellowship; to offer the message of hope and be there for whoever is compelled to reach out to me. Simple. Let go and Let God.
So I apologised to Neytiri for inadvertently pushing her too hard, too fast. I related to her some time about 12 months ago she asked me again why I left my home town and at the time I said “Because I couldn’t have you.”, tongue in cheek. Now, I said it is so very true. I left because I wasn’t ready.
I love my son and that’s probably more because I am a parent. I never knew what love was and never loved a stranger in my life. As the conversation progressed I told her she was the only person I could say I truly ever loved unconditionally.
At which time, she started to open up and become vulnerable. She confessed one of her deepest, darkest secrets and I felt at once humbled and honoured. After the initial surprise, I was able to stay present and did not judge the event as good or bad but just as is. I felt only Love. This was one Step 5 issue she was having a problem with.
I read Step 5 and what to do next from the Big Book. The most relevant part for us turned out to be “We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past.”
It struck a chord with her and she realised she can’t skimp on the truth. She had more to confess but just not tonight.
I remember when I did my Step 4 this part stood out for me. I had to be honest with myself and confess everything. I had nothing to lose. And that’s just what I did. Noone or nothing else matters; I got to keep my side of the street clean (I really like this analogy).
The Book is Gold, 103 pages of pure spiritual knowledge, if you get it. Every time I read it I pick up something new. It is just incredible. I call it “The Guide to Spiritual Living for Dummies”.
It was like a big piece of the jigsaw puzzle fell in place. There was so much clarity and for me confirmation of what I already know. There is the knowing, then the experience and finally the being. I am amazed at my intuition and how much I know without knowing.
I told her we are like 2 peas in a pod. I told her I think we decided at the spiritual / soul level to enter this life at opposite ends of the spectrum, have the same experiences; one as a male and the other as a female and then meet and hopefully move on to the next life. Maybe this way we are able to fast track the process and miss a few lives in the future!
I am so glad; there is now hope for Neytiri. Actually there always was; it is just now it may happen sooner than expected. However, the conflict remains and I am torn. At one level she trusts me with her sharing and at the same time she questions why she is sharing with me and not Tsu’tey. Maybe I should handover the keys?
The gatecrasher? My co-dependent response would be to build a wall, set her free, forget about her and what might have been. That was how I coped in the past. But I must be vigilant not to regress and I pray for the answer, which I know I will get when the time is ripe!
I had asked her whether she could accept it if the dream became reality. Total confusion.
Yesterday’s meditation for the day was “Because honesty brings me a sense of security, help me to be willing to risk being vulnerable.”
Being vulnerable brings us much of what we need.
I felt (strangely) very aroused as I went to bed!
16th March 2012 – Jake– One day, we might forget the people that once came to our lives. But I know that when that day comes, I won’t forget you. Because you didn’t just come into my life, you became a part of it.
