How I Let Go Of The Biggest Things That Hurt

by Melanie Tonia Evans

 

This article came to me as an inspiration yesterday morning.

I was going to write another topic, and then just as I rolled out my yoga mat, a thought popped into my head…

I realised that there is often one HUGE thing that hurts so much during narcissistic abuse, that is REALLY hard for people to let go of.
 

Immediately I got my iPad and popped a post on my Facebook Fanpage and on the NARP Recovery Group – asking for people to post the ‘biggest thing’ that hurt them in regard to narcissistic abuse.

After yoga, when I entered my office and switched on my computer, I was not at all surprised by the responses.

I know how raw it still is for many people who have been hurt by narcissists, and I know how hard it can feel to overcome the pain of what someone else did to you – especially when it occurs within the inhumane, cruel and senseless behaviour dispensed by a narcissist.

The aim of this article is not just about discussing the ‘worst things’ narcissists do to people, it is about being able to transform those wounds. It is about being able to create a revolutionary way of looking at them and processing them through to completion.
 

So, rather than being stunted in our healing, as a result of these wounds, we can actually accelerate our awareness and growth.

In this article I am going to share how I let go of the biggest thing that hurt me when suffering narc abuse, and provide you with an exercise for you to do the same.

The Biggest Things That HURT

The posts that came through from Facebook were very accurate in regard to consistent aspects of narcissistic abuse. The main points that were repeated over and over were:

• The lies and betrayals
• The blaming and deflecting
• Discovering the relationship was never real
• The cruelty of devalue and discard
• No empathy
• Never being good enough for the narcissist
• The infidelity

Many people found it very hard to stick to posting about ‘one thing’. Some people in the NARC Facebook group did post one thing and then returned to post another.

Some members wrote very eloquent sum ups such as:

“Like everyone else it is difficult to pin it down to one thing, but in a nutshell it is the sudden realisation that you have been totally and utterly conned on every level and you have suddenly found yourself in the middle of a nuclear winter. The word betrayal does not even seem to cut it as it implies one event, not the myriad events of trashing everything one has believed in. Realizing that he did not love was not as mind blowing as realizing he could not care less and actually enjoyed the destruction.”
 

Understandably overcoming the complete shock and utter betrayals of narcissistic abuse is certainly no walk in the park.

And this is exactly why a radical approach is necessary. The solution to solve a problem has to be as non-contemporary as the problem itself. Narcissistic abuse is not ‘normal’ and it is certainly not something that anyone’s brain can normally or rationally digest and reconcile.

Narcissistic abuse is like a disease to your soul, it has been said by many ‘it rapes you at every level’.

Therefore truly it is through the depths of your soul that you need to recover.

Soul Work

‘Soul Work’ is about taking the psychology to a deeply spiritual level – it is about being prepared to embrace: that despite the horror story that was / is our life, there is a deeper and even loving reason behind all of it.

This would mean – it wasn’t all to no avail, it wasn’t some random mistake, and at some deeper, (or higher) level it was actually all meant to be.

Truly it is these spiritual applications that have not only saved my life, they have granted me incredible strength, joy and purpose.
 

I have seen the identical results occur for many other people as well.

Deep spiritual psychology has done so much more for me than just keep me going.

And truly I needed an approach this radical, because the staying in the pain and anguish of ‘what happened to me’ was unbearable – I’m just not that good anymore with emotional pain and trying to ‘get on with it’.

So how can we get to the place of accepting this had a higher purpose?

We can do this by embracing radical responsibility. This is the decision and ability to look within ourselves with tenderness, care and support in order to connect the dots as to ‘why’ this happened to us.

When we do this, without shaming and blaming ourselves, incredible shifts start to take place – and we start moving out of victimhood and towards our healing and self-liberation.

So why don’t people naturally do this when they self-reflect?

Where so many people go wrong with ‘connecting the dots’ is being too literal.

Such as: ‘The narcissist has no concern for others. I am NOT that person – I have incredible concern for others.’

What you may not have realised is that the ‘connection’ is not about ‘other people’.

The connection is FIRMLY this: People will treat you how your treat YOURSELF – period.

Therefore the narcissist having no concern for you (or anyone) has nothing to do with how you are treating other people (including the narcissist), it is about how you treat YOURSELF.

Taking responsibility in no way means that you operate like a narcissist – that you have a lack of conscience, empathy, humanity, or morals. What it means is that there is a part of yourself who treats yourself in certain ways which draws and maintains relationships with people who treat you in similar if not identical ways.
 

This is what Soul Work looks like – it is a deep inner journey (and fascination) to discover how you are in relationship with yourself and how that is manifesting every relationship you experience in your life…
 

And profoundly co-creating your most significant relationships.

My Biggest Things

We have an opportunity with everything that happens in our life – to either use it as a transformational event to grow, heal and expand, or to hold on to the shame and blame which blocks any possibility of growth and healing.

Before we go through the list of the biggest things that hurt I want to lead the way here.

It involves sharing with you what the biggest thing was that hurt me in my narcissistic relationship. It was in fact the biggest thing that hurt me in both my narcissistic relationships.

It was this exactly: “At the end of the line your False Self meant more to you than me or our relationship”.

This was my agony…totally.

Of course the lies hurt, the cheating hurt, the financial abuse hurt, the smearing hurt, the false promises hurt, the abuse by proxy hurt – all of it hurt – yet the statement above was the ONE thing that I struggled to let go of.

Because my life’s work personally and professionally involves deep transformation from the inside out, I knew the only way I was going to get past this wound (which kept presented itself over and over again) was to take FULL responsibility for it.

Because of the recovery work I do, the deep metaphysical and Law of Attraction realities I understand, and how I see these consistently apply to healing or non-healing – I knew this was my only answer to heal this wound authentically.

I knew this was not about the narcissists, this was about ‘life’ (through N’s) showing me something that I needed to deeply heal within myself. Something that was so disowned, and something that was so unconscious that it required the whopping great ‘billboard’ of two N’s to smash me over the head to see it.

So in I went – with total self-honesty and total self-ownership…

And this is what I got…

How I Was Treating Myself.

I did not value myself. Everything else was so much more important than me being with myself emotionally and being present with me in my times of need. Because my self-soothing skills were so deficient, I would instead get hooked into attending to the urges of my False Self (unhealed parts) that were activated in times of stress.

Therefore in times of emotional need often my work, cigarettes, or ‘things which needed to be done’ got my attention.

When I REALLY needed myself, rather than showing myself the attention care, value and connection which meant that I truly valued me and was maintaining a healthy relationship with me, I was focused on granting my broken parts (False Self) what they wanted instead.

This is the truth – point blank.

See the match?

It was a huge ‘ah ha’ moment for myself, and incredibly liberating…

Why? Because transformation was then able to deeply and powerfully take place.

My happiness, life and ability to love and be loved was no longer affected by the narcissists in my past abusing me.

That abuse from them had in fact allowed me to finally come home to healing these parts and creating a level of transformation for myself that was totally incredible – one that I couldn’t have ‘seen’ or accessed before this deep inner authentic self-discovery.

This then involved releasing all of the anxieties that kept me hooked into feeding my False Self, and solid intentions which comprised of firm commitments to value, love and partner myself.

Yes, it was confrontational, and painful, and it took incredible energy and effort. However, even in amongst this intense self-work the pain was so much less than staying stuck in victimhood with no way out.

The work and my emotions had purpose, they had a goal and they had the hope and promise of transforming my life.

Most powerfully they made my life’s healing mission all about me and not about the narcissist(s).

Not only did this erase the pain of ‘what happened to me’ it led to incredible improvement, empowerment and ‘fullness’ in my life right here, right now.

I hope this has inspired you to release your victimhood and drop into your emotional truth as your read on…

How to Let Go of the Biggest Things That Hurt

So lets’ work through the list of ‘the biggest things’, and I would like to make some suggestions so that you can start claiming the parts of yourself that you can work on, in order to heal and transform your life.

The lies and betrayals

For many people this was the WORST aspect of being narcissistically abused. Narcissists are pathological liars, because that is what people who have created an entire persona based on a False Self do. Liars betray people, because they say one thing and mean another. They feign all sorts of love, care and tenderness to secure agendas whilst doing the actions that state the exact opposite.

The questions to ask in self-refection:

• Did you lie to yourself about what was happening in this relationship?
• Do you lie to yourself about any relationships in your life?
• Did you ignore what your emotions were screaming at you within the abuse, and choose to tell yourself ‘acceptable stories’ instead?
• Did you grow up in a family where members lied, family secrets prevailed, or false appearances were created?

The Transformational Healing:

• Knowing that you can grow to approach relationships through your adult self who does honour, respect and care for yourself, rather than ignoring the warning signs and your emotional signals and stay attached to relationships that represent the unhealed child within you.
• Taking forward the gift of healing unresolved childhood wounds, learning how to speak up, lay boundaries, and knowing that you do not have to tolerate abuse in order to try to be loveable or worthy.

The blaming and deflecting

Being with a narcissist is synonymous with being scapegoated mercilessly for the narcissist’s atrocious behaviour. Many people get hooked into trying to justify, argue and reverse this madness by trying to plead for justice and sanity and make the narcissist accountable.

The questions to ask in self-refection:

• Have you felt guilt and taken the blame in your life previously?
• Have you been very fearful about what other people think of you?
• What truly is the way you think about yourself and your own rights and worthiness?
• What are your levels of self-talk? Are they loving or condemning?
• Are you usually very hard on yourself, and hold very high expectations for yourself?
• Did you grow up in a family where you were not trusted, and even blamed for what went wrong?

The Transformational Healing:

• Knowing that you can learn to heal and release your guilt, ‘feeling wrong’ and feeling responsible for other people.
• Taking forward the gift of reconciling your own feelings of acceptance and worthiness towards yourself, and learning how to love and support yourself rather than being hard on yourself.

Discovering the relationship was never real

This is another huge kicker for people. There are very few things that could damage a person’s self-esteem as profoundly as being made to believe you are ‘the love of someone’s life’ to discover down the track that they never actually loved you, or even cared about you.

In all the years and cases of helping people recover from narcissistic abuse, I acknowledge this as one of the greatest pain points.

The questions to ask in self-refection:

• Do you have a ‘real’ relationship with yourself?
• Do you really love and cherish yourself?
• Do you really commit to yourself, meaning your self-care and your self-emotional support?
• Was your family one which did not include regular displays of love and affection, and did not nurture within you the deep feelings that you were loved?

The Transformational Healing:

• Knowing that your greatest mission in your life is to learn to love and accept yourself – and it was never anyone else’s job, because people can only ever grant you what you are granting yourself.
• Taking forward the gift of healing the wounds that made you believe that you weren’t loveable and acceptable. Doing the work on loving and partnering yourself emotionally and practically to come home to loving and accepting yourself – which will then create relationships with others who have the resources to grant more of the same.

The cruelty of devalue and discard

Narcissists begin relationships with idolisation. They initially ‘treasure’ people as new and exciting sources of narcissistic supply (the relief of escaping their own inner pain), and know flattery is a potent tool to manipulate people with. Because the idealisation was false, the reality of devalue and discard inevitably follows. Often these cycles repeat within the relationship over and over again.

The questions to ask in self-refection:

• How did you devalue and discard your own needs prior to being narcissistically abused?
• Are you your own ‘fair weather friend’, in that you like yourself when things are going well, but you dislike yourself when things are not so good?
• Do you beat yourself up and hurt yourself at the times when you really need your own support?
• What do you do with your own emotional needs when emotional pain strikes? Are you there for yourself, or do you let yourself down?
• Did the messages you received from your family equal you being loved and acceptable when you were appeasing others, and unlovable and unacceptable when you weren’t?

The Transformational Healing:

• Knowing that you can heal the aspects of yourself which are separated from yourself and have NOT been partnering yourself unconditionally.
• Taking forward the gift of healing your wounds that caused you to be conditional with your own levels of self-love and self-acceptance. Learning how to be present and supportive with yourself at all times – knowing this will then create relationships which provide more of the same.

No empathy

It comes as a grave and stunning shock to discover that narcissists are cruel and calculating, and unlike non-narcissistic people don’t pull up when they know they hurt people, but thrive on it instead. It is then that we realise that narcissists are not human by the definition as we know ‘human’ to be.

The questions to ask in self-refection:

• How effectively do you have care or concern for yourself?
• Are you incredibly hard on yourself, or even cruel to yourself when you really need your love and care instead?
• Did your family use punishing tactics to discipline, or did family members engage in self-punishing behaviour?

The Transformational Healing:

• Knowing that you can learn to have incredible empathy, care and concern for yourself, and act accordingly.
• Taking forward the gift of learning how to heal the wounds that are making it difficult for you to have empathy for yourself. Leaving behind all self-destructive or self-abusive tendencies.

Never being good enough for the narcissist

The disorder of narcissism includes the incessant devaluing of others in order to try to make the narcissist feel ‘better’ about him or herself. Being with a narcissist creates ‘walking on broken glass’. You can never be good enough in the narcissist’s eyes to feed the insatiable, never appeased requirements of the False Self adequately. It is an impossible task.

The questions to ask in self-refection:

• Where are you own expectations of yourself unreasonable?
• Do you berate yourself for the things you haven’t done, rather than congratulate yourself for the things you have done?
• Are you never ‘good enough’ to love and accept yourself right here right now?
• Did you family operate through ‘conditional love’, where you never felt ‘good enough’?

The Transformational Healing:

• Knowing that you can learn to love and accept yourself right here right now, regardless of aesthetics, education, career, or any other variable.
• Taking forward the gift of learning how to unconditionally love yourself, and know that you are loveable simply because you exist, and knowing that your lovability and worth is never dependent on external sources.

The infidelity

It is incredibly common for narcissists to be emotionally and sexually unfaithful, and to replace you with another source of narcissistic supply very quickly. This is obviously incredibly painful, especially as narcissists will state ‘whatever you want to hear’ to convince you that they could never behave in such a way. Most narcissists will additionally accuse you of exactly what they are doing.

The questions to ask in self-refection:

• Do you commit yourself to other people to the detriment of your own values and needs?
• How have you sold yourself out even when you know how much it hurts to do so?
• Was adultery a part of your family’s history, or were other people outside the family more important than the family?

The Transformational Healing:

• Knowing that you can learn to commit to yourself, your values, your truth and your needs completely in order to create a life which is aligned with who you really are.
• Taking forward the gift of aligning with your needs and values and establishing a firm committment of loyalty to yourself – knowing this will then create relationships which provide more of the same.

Bringing it All Together

The reason I am granting you this information is for one reason only – to help you move up and out of this emotional pain.

Naturally, initially we are hurt, intensely so. And this is perfectly acceptable – however the real question is: How long do we stay in that agony?

The truth is: we all went through these aspects of intense emotional agony for very serious reasons – so that we could transform our wounds – once and for all.

If we don’t decide to take the transformational opportunity we are going to stay in the agony.

We will believe our life has ended, that there is nothing lovely to ever look forward to again, and we may never recover. We may be too scared to try to trust someone else again, or it is very likely that our unhealed and raw wounds will attract another abuser. Or we may severely distrust someone who isn’t an abuser and sabotage the possibility of a healthy relationship.

We can only experience events and people in life which match our Inner Identity. If we can’t feel a great life as ‘possibility’ and ‘probability’, and have the ease and grace of ‘space’ within us (the absence of core emotional wounds) then this ‘great life’ is outside the realms of what is possible for us.

It only becomes possible for us when we deeply feel and know it is.

I know this article is confrontational, and I know it means we need to really drop the victimhood.

I know how much it can help you, if you are tired of the ongoing pain, and you are ready to go inwards to claim the truth and heal towards your truly real and wonderful life.