Basics of Codependency

What is Codependency?

There is much debate as to whether or not Codependency is actually a psychological disease (much less a progressive one).

 

The Codependency movement was born out of the link between the behaviour of those who suffered from Alcoholism (the Dependent) and the behaviour of those who took care of them. These carers (often seen as enablers) would adapt their behaviour to take care of the Dependent through means such as over protection, assumption of responsibility for financial and emotional obligations, lying to cover up drunken behaviour etc. As a result of providing long term care these carers became overly responsible for their partners and their own mental and physical health disintegrated. The carers were named as "Codependents".

 

After some time psychologists saw similarities between carers of alcoholics and the carers of those who suffered from compulsive disorders, mental disorders etc. Thus more and more carers were seen to be "Codependents".

 

Critics such as Katz and Liu feel that the characteristics used to describe a Codependent are so contradictory and all encompassing that they could apply to anyone. They also argue that the Codependency movement seeks to demonstrate that any person who wants to take care of someone else (a friend, family member, partner, spouse or stranger) for whatever reason (alcoholism, gambling, other addictions such as food or sex, mental illness, hospitalisation etc.) over variable periods of time is a "Codependent". That all carers essentially have a problem with control. As such they argue that the Codependency movement has made it almost seem wrong to want to care of others.

 

They do not feel it is a disease and that most people who are labeled as "Codependent" are in fact normal people who at times struggle with life circumstances, feelings and behaviours. That often in caretaking for others who are unwell they are experience a normal reaction to abnormal people.

 

In her book Beattie selects quotes from various experts who define Codependency as:

 

"A emotional, psychological, and behavioural condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems" pg. 32 (taken from Robert Subby)

 

"spouse or child or lover of someone who was chemically dependent was seen as having developed a pattern of coping with life that was not healthy, as a reaction to someone else's drug or alcohol abuse" pg. 33 (taken from Robert Subby and John Friel)

 

"Those self-defeating, learned behaviours or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships." pg. 32 (taken from Earnie Larsen)

 

She then goes on to personally define "A co-dependent person is one who has let another person's behaviour affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behaviour" p.g.36.

 

Beattie herself doesn't label Codependency as a disease and she doesn't know if it is or is not an illness but that "it can make you sick. And, it can help the people around you stay sick." pg. 38

How do people become Codependent?

Many appear to grow up in dysfunctional families, they learn their behaviours through childhood exposure to dependent parents or family members. Children of Alcoholics usually develop codependent patterns of behaving but in general any long term exposure to a parent or family member with a compulsive, addictive or mental disorder can lead to the development of a Codependent.

 

Some may not have come from dysfunctional backgrounds but have developed a relationship with someone who is compulsive, addictive or suffering from a mental disorder in adulthood. Again long term exposure can result in Codependency.
 

Their own biology can to some degree dictate their behaviour. Psychologists seek to show that a persons temperament from birth determines how they deal with events in the future. Possibly Codependents have a more difficult time in dealing with negative changes in their life and accepting other people are not capable of providing them with happiness as a result.

Education in society through the school system, repressive religions etc. teaches that to be "good" a person must think of others first. Certain institutions often praise martyrdom. The mass media does it's bit through the portrayal of the women who's love and devotion helps their partner to recover, grow and find happiness. They imply that you should always "stand by your man" regardless of level of suffering you have to go through to get to the good times.

The Codependent has adapted their behaviour in order to get their needs met in a setting where someone they cared about was unable or unwilling to take care of themselves and their own problems. After progressively taking on the care taking role the Codependent somehow forgets to look after their own needs and deal with their own problems. As a result even if they physically break free from the person who is dependent on them they take their Codependency forward into future relationships.

What are the characteristics of a Codependent?

Beattie has produced a very long list of Characteristics on pg. 42 to 52 of her book. They are catergorised in the following groups, Care taking, Low Self-Worth, Repression, Obsession, Controlling, Denial, Dependency, Poor Communication, Weak Boundaries, Lack of Trust, Anger, Sex Problems, Miscellaneous and Progressive. Below is a selection of some of the behaviours and feelings she describes. They outline that Codependents may:

• think and feel responsible for other people - for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being and ultimate destiny.
• Feel compelled - almost forced - to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
• Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
• Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves.
• Find themselves attracted to needy people.
• Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
• Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used.
• Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
• Blame themselves for everything.
• Reject compliments or praise.
• Think they're not quite good enough.
• Fear rejection.
• Take things personally.
• Afraid of making mistakes.
• Expect themselves to do everything perfectly.
• Feel a lot of guilt.
• Think their lives aren't worth living.
• Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
• Believe they don't deserve good things and happiness.
• Try to prove they're good enough for other people.
• Push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.
• Appear rigid and controlled.
• Lose sleep over problems or other people's behaviour.
• Worry.
• Never find answers.
• Try to catch people in acts of misbehaviour.
• Focus all their energy on other people and problems.
• Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
• Try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
• Feel controlled by events and people.
• Pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
• Become workaholics.
• Spend money compulsively.
• Don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
• Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think provides their happiness.
• Didn't feel love and approval from their parents.
• Don't love themselves.
• Desperately seek love and approval.
• Don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
• Look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
• Lose interest in their own lives when they love.
• Don't say what they mean.
• Don't mean what they say.
• Ask for what they need indirectly.
• Gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.
• Talk about other people.
• Avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
• Lie to protect and cover up for people they love.
• Apologise for bothering people.
• Let others hurt them.
• Say they won't tolerate certain behaviours from other people, then gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they never said they would.
• Don't trust their feelings.
• Don't trust their decisions.
• Don't trust other people.
• Try to trust unworthy people.
• Think God has abandoned them.
• Feel very scared, hurt, and angry.
• Cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.
• Place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry.
• Have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and loved.
• Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
• Feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
• Have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
• Extremely responsible.
• Extremely irresponsible.
• Become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice.
• Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
• Stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
• Ashamed about family, personal or relationship problems.
• Feel lethargic.
• Feel depressed.
• Become violent.
• Become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
• Experience an eating disorder (over- or undereating).
• Become addicted to alcohol and other drugs.

Beattie believes that this behaviour is habitual and self-destructive, that it can "lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relations, relationships that don't work. These behaviours sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked." pg. 38-37 She also explains that Codependents unconsciously pick troubled partners in order to have purpose, be needed and feel fulfilled.

 

How Do these Characteristics show in a Codependents Behaviour?

Beattie stresses that Codependents are reactionaries. They react to other people's problems, emotions, needs, behaviours etc. and that when these problems, emotions, needs and behaviours become more intense the Codependent reacts more intensely. They become over-involved. "Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos; it can keep the people around us in a state of chaos. If we're focusing all our energies on people and problems, we have little left for the business of living our own lives. Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can't solve our problems. we become detached from ourselves. We forfeit our power and ability to think, feel, act and take care of ourselves. We lose control." pg. 58. Often reacting to situations doesn't lead to the positive outcome that was intended and as such a Codependents life can be come more complicated than it needs to be.

Codependents excessively worry or are preoccupied with a problem or person. They can also be obsessed with and controlling of the people and problems in their environment, emotionally dependent on the people around them and act as caretakers (rescuers, enablers). In rescuing they seek to take care of people who are capable of taking care of themselves. Beattie argues that rescuing such people from their responsibilities doesn't help them to grow, it enables them to continue to shirk the consequences of their actions.

In obsession a Codependents feelings and thoughts are filled with the other person's feelings and thoughts. Everything reminds them of that person and it can seem that everything that is said or done relates to them. In addition, the Codependent often has feelings that something bad is going to happen sooner or later and this fills them with anxiety if things don't go as planned or normally. This causes fear and more anxiety. In order to overcome this Codependents try to control the situation or people to stop things from going bad or worse still, to avoid abandonment or taking care of themselves. A person with a strong sense of self-worth would at these times back away from the situation or the Dependent but a Codependent holds on tighter.

Whether Codependency is developed in childhood or in adulthood the Codependent demonstrates a lack of trust in themselves. Because they are unable to fix what they see as other peoples problems they feel deficient. Because they believe the lies that a Dependent tells them after being challenged by the Codependent (who often correctly asses the situation in the first place) they learn not to trust their own judgement or intuition. This lack of trust in themselves often leads to them clinging on to those who cannot or will not love them back - often settling for too little. Codependents are also controlled by others and find it hard to resist when someone they grow tired of caring for says or does something that indicates things may change, that they will make more effort and behave how the Codependent expects. So they stick by the Dependent hoping things will be different this time.

Codependents deny their true feelings (fear, neediness, anger, ambivalence towards a Dependent) because they are afraid that they may have to acknowledge that they have to take an action that they really don't want to take e.g. leaving the Dependent or face a truth that they do not want to face e.g. they can't fix this problem, the Dependent is abusive etc. Denial of feelings leads to physical problems as the body starts to struggle with the effects of stress and anxiety e.g. high blood pressure, fatigue etc. or as often can happen the effects of substance abuse/food abuse that the Codependent practices in order to numb their emotional pain.

Codependents undertake in manipulative behaviour in the name of love and trying to help but in the end "We aren't the people who 'make things happen'. Co-dependents are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen" Beattie pg. 76. Codependents don't understand that they don't have to control others and that any element of control means that the other person would normally have no interest in achieving the outcome the Codependent wants to achieve. They ignore the reality because they are frightened of what it really means for them. "People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right. It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER" Beattie pg. 80-81.

As a result of the behaviour of Dependents in their past/present Codependents also have a distinct lack of trust in others. They look out for signs that things are going to go bad, for misbehaviour, for betrayal... they expect others to hurt them. As a result they tend to withdraw emotionally from those they feel will hurt them.

They can also sit in moral judgement on others, trying to dictate to them how they should behave. They like to think of themselves as knowledgeable, right or morally superior, they behave like martyrs. Often this is too much of a burden for the Codependent to be able to cope with long term.

In essence Codependents are people pleasers. They "make great employees. They don't complain; they do more than their share; they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectly - at least for a while, until they become angry and resentful." Beattie pg. 78

A Codependent will live their lives in indecision. Whatever decision they make it will be the wrong one because at some point they will feel guilty or frightened for having made it, particularly when other people's needs are involved. For example, they may get resentful and angry for having to consistently help other people so they rage "No more, do it yourself!". When the anger passes they feel guilty for their outburst which was a mistake. They now see themselves as selfish and go back to helping out exactly as they did before. Beattie summarises it by saying "Some of us believe we have made such bad mistakes that we can't reasonably expect forgiveness. Some of us believe our lives are a mistake. Many of us believe everything we've done is a mistake. A few of us believe we can't do anything right, but at the same time, we demand perfection of ourselves. We put ourselves in impossible situations, then wonder why we can't get out." pg. 120-121.

Sometimes Codependents project an air of weakness and seek for others to help them.

Beattie explains that Codependents need to stop reacting/behaving in this way and start to act in healthier ways.

Why do Codependents behave this way?

They genuinely want to help and want things to be better for the other person and themselves. Beattie states "Most of us aren't even aware of what we're doing. Most of us truly believe we're helping. Some of us believe we have to rescue. We have confused ideas about what constitutes help and what doesn't. Many of us are convinced that rescuing is a charitable deed. Many of us do not understand what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for."pg. 90

Others have taught them that they are worthless or that their opinions and needs are not important. Nobody has shown them that they don't have to give all of themselves all the time. They haven't been counseled that it is wrong to take responsibility for others who can take responsibility for themselves. If anything they have been encouraged by others to be self-less through intimidation, manipulation and even praise.

"at the heart of most rescues is a demon: low self-worth." Beattie pg. 90. Taking care of people makes Codependents feel good about themselves because it makes them feel needed and powerful. This acts as a substitute for the feeling of being loved - which is something the Codependent doesn't really feel they deserve.

Focusing on other people's problems and defects stops them from focusing on their own problems and defects. In addition they haven't learned or been taught how to manage their own feelings.

They have a sense of martyrdom and of goodness and they want to try to meet this ideal. This ideal is usually one that was programmed in during childhood e.g. via a repressive religion or parent.

The pattern of caretaking repeats itself as the Codependent denies their feelings and hopes that the next time they try it will all change - like magic. It rarely happens and if it does, the change doesn't last long. The other person will not be able to keep up the effort or something new will come up that needs to be fixed. They never seem to work out for themselves that their needs and wants are just as important as anybody else's, that they don't have to give so much of themselves that it hurts - someone usually has to point it out to them.

What Happens When A Codependent Cares Too Much?

A Dependent doesn't naturally take responsibility for the consequences of their own behaviour. A Codependent who takes on another persons responsibility doesn't assist that person to get better by rescuing them, if anything they become more Dependent. This leads to them taking advantage of the Codependent who becomes overburdened, resentful and ultimately angry/vengeful as they find themselves doing things they don't want to do for someone who just won't change their behaviour (in a manner the Codependent expects). So what does a Codependent do now? Sometimes the Codependent will say or do nothing and wonder why nobody understands what they're going through. Most Codependents don't feel they have a right to be angry. They bottle it up until it gets too much for them that they explode and do things they regret. They see this explosion as a sign that something is very wrong with them. In their rage they tell the Dependent what a crap job they're doing of managing their life and catering to their needs. As the Dependent is now subjected to criticism and rage, they rage back, they feel resentful to the Codependent for their help. They ridicule, become abusive, feel guilty and try to please. They may abandon the Codependent. The Codependent then feels unappreciated, unloved, abused and like a victim. They wonder why the Dependent doesn't rescue them back. They feel guilty for raging, they apologise to the Dependent and try to make amends. After all that the Dependent may still not be ready to change, they are unable to take responsibility for themselves just because the Codependent wills it.

Working hard at changing someone else is unlikely to bring the Codependent the changes they seek. Sometimes that person is not capable of changing, they may not be willing to change or they may not have the skills to do the things as a Codependent needs them or wants them to do it. For example, a wife nagging her out of work Alcoholic husband to stop drinking and take some financial responsibility for their children is unlikely to work. Having highlighted his lack of ability to meet her needs and that of their children it is likely to make him feel worse about himself and more resentful towards his wife. He may drink more to compensate. Even if he tries hard to be what she wants him to be it is likely he will relapse because he doesn't have the emotional strength that is required to sustain this level of responsibility whilst fighting his addiction.

If the Codependent has an Alcoholic partner then that is the reality of their situation, they have no control over changing the Alcoholic, they can only change their own behaviour and even then they may be limited in what they can achieve. In the example above the wife might decide to get a job in order to provide financially for her children but what then happens to her children? Who looks after them? The Alcoholic father? A paid child minder? Who will do the housework, the shopping? It is important for the Codependent to accept the reality of any situation, do what they can to make it better for themselves but not to crucify themselves and take on every responsibility i.e. work, look after the children, do the housework and look after the Alcoholic husband. Something has to give and it would make sense that the thing they should give up is that which someone else's responsibility.

As time goes on and the Codependents own needs are not met they continue to feel resentful for all their hard efforts which harvest little reward and their behaviour disintegrates. The cycle of seeking to help, control, manipulate, hope, monitor, resenting, raging, analysing, guilt and apologising repeats itself until often the Codependent becomes so frustrated that they completely give up all responsibility and attempts to help. They may even begin to act irresponsibly themselves. They can vent their anger in verbally, emotionally and physically abusive ways. "I suspect codependents have historically attacked social injustice and fought for the rights of the underdog. Codependents want to help. I suspect they have helped. But they probably died thinking they didn't do enough and were feeling guilty. It is natural to want to protect and help the people we care about. It is also natural to be affected by and react to the problems of people around us. As a problem becomes more serious and remains unresolved, we become more affected and react more intensely to it." Beattie pg. 37-38.

On the flip side when a Dependent improves by no longer taking part in self-damaging behaviour and taking on more of their own responsibility the Codependent (contrary to what they might expect) is often still not happy. This could be for a number of reasons. It may be that it has taken so long and too much effort to get the Dependent to change that the Codependent is no longer in a giving/loving frame of mind. It might be because now that the Dependent takes better care of themselves the Codependent has lost the control they once had and feels useless. It could be that as things have improved the Codependent feels safer to express their anger and the Dependent reacts badly to it thus creating another set of problems. It is also likely that the Codependent doesn't believe the change is permanent so they continue to look for signs of misbehaviour or it could be due to the Codependents fears relating to their own short comings and self-worth which they have not yet faced.

What feelings do Codependents have?

Guilt - for not being perfect, not having been able to fix the situation and for their bad behaviour (anger, resentment, violence, lack of strength etc.).

Resentment - for not catering to their own needs and looking after someone who cannot or will not change. For not being heard.

Anger - towards the Dependent for not changing or not appreciating their efforts. Towards themselves for not being strong enough to leave, cope or resolve the situation.

Frustration - for not being able to resolve the situation.

Love - in order to want to help and give of themselves, Codependents usually have an overly strong sense of wanting to take care of others. They become obsessed with love objects and their needs. It is argued that this is not real love because in order to love someone else you must love yourself first and Codependents generally don't love themselves.

Shame - for not being good enough for other people to love them. For their "crazy" behaviour.

Fear - of intimacy, of not being good enough, of their feelings. When Dependents are violent or abusive they have fear of the Dependent.

 

Patterns of "Failed Love"

In his book "If Love Could Think" Gratch outlines seven patterns of "failed love" relationships that he has observed through treatment of patients. I have included them in this section on Codependency because I personally believe that many of them are reflected in codependent relationships.

The first pattern is Narcissistic Love. Narcissists are needy, often self-destructive people with hidden low self-esteem and as such they require someone who is willing to cater to their needs. This person is usually required to give up their own needs for those of the Narcissist. Gratch warns that "if you are generally a giving, supportive person who avoids center stage and thrives on taking care of others, you are naturally at risk for Narcissistic Love." pg. 37.

Narcissists need an Echo, someone who can mirror their view of themselves as special. Like a Codependent the mythical Echo is a reactionary, she doesn't initiate speech she is compelled to wait for others to speak first. Echo herself has leanings towards narcissism because she seeks to regulate her self-esteem through Narcissus. She wants to be like him but feels she can't. She wants to be by his side so she can reflect some of his power, confidence, strength, beauty etc. In this way if he does well and is respected by others and she takes care of his needs, she too does well and is respected.

Narcissistic relationships often encounter difficulties because they are based on an idealised image that neither the Narcissist nor their partner can live up to long term. Whilst Gratch maintains that "falling in love always involves some idealization" pg. 34 he shows that the idealisation and devaluation in these types of relationships makes for unstable relationships.

He also states it is possible to gauge if someone is in Narcissistic love by looking at their sense of self "the greater the discrepancy between our previous sense of self and our current, while in love, the greater the chances that we are using the other person for internal narcissistic reasons" and that in "more realistic love what makes us feel valued is the connection with the other person, not the external goods they bring to our life. In Narcissistic Love, on the other hand, we can't quite be certain that if our partner suddenly lost his money or power or health or youth, we would still want to be with him." pg. 35. Also if "our feelings for our date or partner change in accordance with how he is viewed by others" pg. 36 this is another indicator of being concerned with our image.

The second pattern is Virtual Love. This is when "We are in love with a prefabricated construction of our own making, which has little to do with the actual person we are dating. Unfortunately, we don't always know this early enough in the relationship because unconsciously we choose people and situations that obscure reality." pg. 55. This is evident in passionate long distant relationships and love that blossoms through the Internet. These relationships are not built on true intimacy and as a result when a couple finally decides to make a real go of the relationship possibly relocating so they can live together or meeting up in real life they are disappointed to find that the other person doesn't match up to their expectations.

The third pattern is One-Way Love. Here there is an "inclination to fall in love or be drawn to emotionally unavailable people" pg. 91. On the flip side there is also a strong tendency not be interested in people who are attracted to you, emotionally available and capable of returning your love. Gratch advises that this is as a result of a need to "hold on to the fantasy of perfect beauty, intelligence, and spirituality and thereby cling to the illusion of pure love." pg. 91.

In addition some people can alternate between being in love with someone who is unavailable early on in the relationship, then loose their feelings of love for them if the other person starts to love them back. This kind of relationship can yo-yo back and forth as both take turns falling in and out of love with each other.

Gratch warns that it is necessary to break the pattern of this type of love early on in adulthood and those who are in their 30's and 40's are less likely to be able to change their pattern in time to find a suitable partner as a result of what he sees as a "market economy" where by "the best candidates are picked early." pg. 98. However, while his view may be initially correct, in a modern world where many people are deferring making commitments to other people in early adulthood, delaying marriage and having children there may be scope to be able to work on breaking the pattern of one-way love and going on to develop a satisfying relationship later on in life. There may also be prospective partners who work on issues later in life that also go on to recover and form good relationships.

The fourth pattern, Triangular Love, operates on the dynamic that another person or thing is present as a barrier within the relationship. This type of relationship usually involves one of the partners having a lover outside of the relationship but it can involve the commitment of a partner to a hobby, sport or job. It can also be a relationship with a particular friend or family member.

Having a third person or interest in the relationship is an unconscious act that purposefully triangulates the relationship to detract from the fact that the parties involved have not come to terms with their mixed feelings for their partners. Even the partner who is the "victim" represses the "bad" feelings they have towards their partner preferring to blame the third party or the activity rather than accept that there is something else wrong with the relationship.

The fifth pattern is that of Forbidden Love. Here two lovers may come together amidst social disapproval because the relationship goes against social norms and values. The lovers may come from different religious backgrounds, different cultures, the same family, or involve relationships where one person is seen to abuse their position e.g. a romance that blossoms between a Teacher and their student. Often people get into such relationships without accepting the difficulty of their situation in terms of how they will be perceived and treated by other people outside the relationship. The excitement of meeting up in secret can make everything seem worthwhile but as time goes on the risk of getting found out or wanting to be together permanently makes it hard to avoid being caught and criticised. When the relationship is out in the open often the passion fades and the partners face the reality that the relationship doesn't fit in to their place in society or that the excitement is gone.

The sixth pattern is Sexual Love. In this type of relationship the emphasis is on the physical side of the relationship and not the emotional. Maybe the partners come together perfectly in the bedroom but fail outside of it, possibly one of the them has multiple affairs or an addiction to sex. It could even be that one uses sex as a means to feel better about themselves. Sometimes there is no sex in the relationship at all because one of the partners has extreme sexual fantasies that they are ashamed of. Ultimately relationships that are based solely on sexual feelings do not last the test of time as the women will tend to feel used and the men tend to feel guilty.

The final pattern is that of Androgynous Love. In this relationship the socially accepted gender roles are reversed. The woman is the strong, assertive, ambitious type and the man is the sensitive, nurturing one in the relationship. These dynamics usually arise as a reluctance of at least one of the lovers to identify with their same sex parent e.g. a woman who saw her mother as a doormat for an aggressive father may vow not to be like her when she grows up and has relationships of her own. Gratch explains that in these circumstances a strong woman may become frustrated with a sensitive lover over time if he is not driven or doesn't behave like a man because she will see them as a "wimp". Conversely a man who picks a strong woman may end up seeing her as a "bully". To overcome this Gratch feels that each needs to take time to tune in to their natural disposition which is largely dictated by their sex, that they take on some of the characteristics of their same sex parent in order to redress the balance.

 

What Treatment is available to a Codependents?

In America the most widely adopted means of treatment for codependency is attendance of regular meetings at self-help groups such as Co-dependents Anonymous. These groups are organised and run by people who have experienced the particular condition (in this case Codependency). The participants support each other through sharing their experiences and emotionally being there for other group members. Nobody has to register so their anonymity is largely protected and it's free.

Beattie who is considered as a guru of the Codependency movement is an advocate of the Twelve Step program which has been adapted from the Alcoholics Anonymous twelve step program for Alcoholics. She feels that groups provide a medium through which people with Codependency can air their experiences and feelings without fear of not being accepted because everybody else feels the same way and has gone through similar experiences.

The Twelve Steps program defined on the Co-Dependents Anonymous website are:

1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

There has been distinct criticism of self-help groups from mental health professionals. Katz and Liu believe that groups working to a Twelve Step program are harmful because they do not promote the possibility of a full recovery, personal responsibility or self reliance. Instead the groups encourage life long membership in fear that the Codependent will not have learnt their lessons and are able to help themselves through any future difficulties. In contrast to this view they explain that many people who experience addictive or destructive behaviour do not go for treatment or to self-help groups, that they manage to break free of their behaviour via their own volition and commitment to getting better. They feel that recovery can only be made possible by a person's realisation that they have suffered enough and their own self motivation/commitment to their recovery. Once they have made the choice to get better the mode of treatment is not necessarily the most important factor in recovery.

They also stress that many people who join self-help groups "are not true addicts. They are people with problems who need guidance and support and acceptance, but they are not powerless. They can recover completely. They can achieve self-reliance. For these people self-help programs may provide the best way to begin the recovery process but in the long run they do more harm than good." (Katz and Liu pg. xiv -xv of Introduction).

Katz and Liu also argue that self-help groups do not place enough emphasis on the conditions that members experience as being a result of their own choices and actions. That in self-help groups they are told "something" has happened to affect the individual, that someone or something else was responsible. "The overriding lesson of the Steps is not personal responsibility and morality, but conformity and dependence." pg. 48. They compare self-help groups to cults who "maintain that salvation lies in the ability to give yourself up to a Higher Power. But that the real key to salvation is not relinquishing the control to a treatment program or guru or your Inner Child. The highest power lies within your own fully developed Self." pg. 23. They also identify through a number of patient cases that sometimes the groups views are so ingrained in the minds of its members that it appears like brainwashing. Members can rattle off chapter and verse of the Twelve Steps program and treat anyone who does not wish to succumb to its teachings/help as being in "denial".

They also feel that the Codependency movement places too much emphasis on relationships in the home being the only factor in creating people with behavioural/addictive problems. They do not look at wider influences such as friends, colleagues or the media. They highlight that studies have also shown that growing up in a dysfunctional family doesn't necessarily mean a child born in to it will grow up requiring psychological treatment in adulthood. That sometimes things work out all on their own and the adult is able to work out their own issues to build a happy life for themselves.

Katz and Liu further criticise self-help groups for perpetuating "disease theory" and unnecessarily pathologising people who are essentially normal but may need a little guidance to help them get through stressful situations and bad times. They state the groups help to keep members in the past, focusing on the need to control old behaviours that may or may not appear again in the future. The repetitive nature of the discussions they have in groups keeps the memory of how it felt in the past when someone abused them in the forefront of their minds and as a result members will relate to those feelings in all future relationships. They argue that this doesn't promote self-reliance because people are still clinging to old situations, old partners, old feelings etc. where they were reliant on something or someone else.

All people are different; they react differently to different events and to different treatments. Some psychologists have concerns that self-help groups do not provide individual treatment. Katz and Liu advise that other conditions and issues are not discussed in self-help groups concentrating on a specific area and as a result even minor incidents can linger as a "reason" for the pain. In addition the Twelve Steps were adapted from guidelines to help those specifically suffering from Alcoholism a very different condition at a time when religion was still prevalent in society.

One of the most obvious and damming criticisms of self-help groups are that they are not regulated by an official body. There is no measure of the standard of care that participants are receiving as a result of "working the program". The groups are not lead by professionally trained Therapists. Usually the only requirement to being a group leader is that you have experienced the condition personally and that you are knowledgeable in the workings of the Twelve Steps program. Katz and Liu maintain that just because someone has experienced the same conditions and feelings as you doesn't necessarily mean that they are the best people to guide you through your recovery. They feel that people who have themselves been successful in areas you are not are probably in a better position to be able to do this.

The second option open to a Codependent is therapy. By this means Katz and Liu feel a person is more likely to receive a non biased evaluation of their condition from a trained professional who is objective (hopefully having a healthy sense of Self and a respect for others) and can provide them with individual treatment to address their problems and issues. They are also more likely to get help that is focused on self-reliance as opposed to dependence on a group dynamic for future support. They do accept that mixing a group dynamic with Therapy can be beneficial in allowing the patient to identify with others who have gone through similar experiences but they do not see self-help groups as being a suitable long term treatment.

Medication can also be prescribed by a doctor for symptoms that a Codependent experiences such as depression, high blood pressure etc. in conjunction to any other therapy that is chosen.

What Can a Codependents Do To Help Themselves?

A Codependent can get better! This is achieved when they accept that they can only find happiness and success in bringing about change in themselves and not by changing the behaviour of their partner, friend, family member etc. through their help, advice, support and strength (which are a means of control).

In order to combat Codependency Beattie explains that it is necessary for the Codependent to detach themselves from others and their problems, to stop reacting impulsively/instinctively as rescuers. In this way the Codependent becomes an actor in control of their own destiny and that anyone who comes along for the ride is an addition to their Self and not a replacement for their Self. In this way the loss of a partner would not be so great if they decided not to continue the journey of Self awareness and improvement taken by the Codependent.

It is necessary to "mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve" Beattie pg. 62. This allows other people to be who they really are, to grow. This requires the Codependent to live in the reality of a situation, to accept that there is nothing they can do to change others but that they can make their own lives better.

Beattie stresses that detaching doesn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship or that people should stop caring but that sometimes physical detachment can be the only answer. She recognises that there will be people out there who provoke Codependents to react because it makes them feel important. When a Codependent stops reacting these people are left frustrated because they have lost their control and power over the Codependent.

Below is a summary of how Beattie pg. 73-74 suggests Codependents learn to detach:

1. Learn to recognise when you're reacting, when you are allowing someone or something to push your buttons.
2. Make yourself comfortable. Restore your level of serenity and peace.
3. Examine what happened. Talk about your feelings. Take responsibility for them.
4. Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Make your decisions based on reality, and make them from a peaceful state.

She explains that it is important for Codependents to accept the reality of the situation they are in. They should seek to inform themselves of the options open to them and pick the one they see as most beneficial to themselves and anyone who is truly dependant on them. Sometimes it's hard to know what reality is when they have partners or people who are significant to them lying to protect themselves.

Once they work out what reality is it doesn't necessarily mean that action has to be taken or that they should accept the hopelessness of their situation, particularly when physical and sexual abuse are occurring. In these circumstances it is important to recognise and accept that abuse is occurring and act to ensure that it stops - even if that means getting out of the relationship as quickly as possible.

This means that at some point the Codependent is going to have to let go of their dreams, their hopes for the future, the "happy ever after" that will one day be fulfilled. They're going to have to accept that they can't fix everything or make someone else be something they can't or don't want to be. This works on all levels not just in love, for example, a manager with Codependent tendencies may force their staff to do their job a particular way regardless of the employees feelings or skills. They are unlikely to accept that there may be different ways to do something that works just as well or that the particular staff member will never be able to perform well in the job they are currently doing. They would much rather pummel away at enforcing the change in behaviour they seek.

Without the acceptance of reality a Codependent is unlikely to change and make things better for themselves. The process through which this is classically achieved is the grief process. The five stages of the process are summarised below:

1. Denial - The person is usually in a state of shock, numbness or panic and they usually refuse to acknowledge the reality of the situation they are in. The person is usually afraid or experiences anxiety and often represses their feelings.
2. Anger - After they pass through denial they usually enter a stage where they lay blame and lash out (whether this is justified or not).
3. Bargaining - When they calm down and try to fix/stop what is happening they try to bargain their way out. They say "if you do this, I'll do that then we won't have to loose."
4. Depression - The bargaining usually doesn't work and as a result they experience sadness, they mourn and it can be painful. At this point they must allow themselves to grieve and seek support where necessary.
5. Acceptance - once the first four stages have been traversed it is possible to get to the final stage of acceptance. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are happy it means "We are at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go on; free to make whatever decisions we need to make.We have accepted our loss. we are comfortable with our present circumstances and ourselves. we have faith that all is well, and we have grown from our experience." Beattie pg. 137-138.

She reminds us that we will continue to make mistakes throughout our life as we work towards taking care of ourselves. As a result we need to remind ourselves "We are okay. It's wonderful to be who we are. Our thoughts are ok. Our feelings are appropriate. We're right where we're supposed to be today, this moment. There is nothing wrong with us. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with us. If we've done wrongs, that's okay; we were doing the best we could." Beattie pg.122.

She also recommends enrolment in a self-help group like Co-dependents Anonymous.

In an alternative approach Katz and Liu argue that self-help groups focus on the use of negative labels to asses how people fit in to the world and that these labels do not promote self-esteem. They suggest a more scientific, objective and logical approach to dealing with the resolution of problems which they explain are specific, tangible facts or events that occur within a relationship in the immediate term. That this will work towards resolving some of the subjects issues which are interpreted analysis of their perceived general behaviour in the past. They believe that people can go on to make a full recovery as independent, self-reliant and happier individuals.

In the last half of their book they describe an eight-point plan to working towards a complete recovery these are summarised below:

1. Define your problems without labeling yourself - This involves stepping back from your problems and changing the way you resolve them by systematically listing the problems (not issues) you are facing now and prioritising them into those that are harmful to your physical and mental health, those where an immediate decision is required, where they cause guilt and shame, those that may attract comments or criticism from others, those that lead to illegal or immoral conduct.
2. Recognise the many different influences that have shaped your life - once you have identified your problems it is necessary to understand where those problems have evolved from i.e. family, biology, culture and society.
3. Remember the past, don't live it - once you have determined the major influences in your life you must analyse connections between your past and your present, challenge your memories and the distortions of time or other peoples opinions to get an accurate reading of what happened to make you the way you are but do not dwell on it.
4. Accept responsibility for your own choices and actions - weigh up the consequences of the options you have open to you, ensure you keep your feelings of inadequacy and high expectations of yourself in check, recognise that you have options and make a choice.
5. Focus on the goal rather than the process of recovery - ensure you are committed to changing yourself, identify the obstacles to recovery then strive for attainable recovery goals.
6. Tackle your problems one at a time - identify specific goals, brainstorm possible solutions, evaluate the solutions, select one solution and one contingency solution. When you get going re-evaluate the problem, plan how you will do what is necessary, guard against self-sabotage, Implement your plan and monitor progress and plan to prevent recurrence of the original problem. When you have reached your goal move on to another one.
7. Select a treatment program that nurtures self-reliance, not dependency - whether that is counselling, psychotherapy, medication, self-help groups (in the short term for specific problems) or mutual support groups.
8. Develop your personal strengths and resources - believe in what you can do, build a support network of friends, family and hobbies that will help to see you through bad times, take on new challenges that will help you to grow and develop self-esteem, dare to be hopeful about the future.

This suggestion sounds straightforward but Katz and Liu recognise that change is a difficult process, that sometimes people get stuck and need guidance that helps them back to the road of self-realisation and independence.

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Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself - Seven Empowering Strategies for Better Relationships

Author: Beverly Engel
Published: 2001
Publisher: John Wiley & Sons Inc
Narcissistic men attract and keep a particular kind of partner - one who is happy to loose themselves in order to meet his needs. This book explains the factors that contribute to women loosing themselves in relationships. Engle discusses biology, childhood relationships and social conditioning as factors that contribute to a woman's poor sense of self which leads to them over investing in relationships and staying in abusive ones.
The book describes the speed with which women throw themselves into relationships making the man in their life the beginning, middle and end of their existence without proper regard for the values they share or her own needs.
Engle uses a scale on which women can determine their tendency to loose themselves in relationships. At the bottom of the continuum are those who have been conditioned by society (mainly the mass media). Those in the middle may also have had troubled childhoods and those at the highest end of the scale are most likely to have had abusive childhoods and may suffer from a condition know as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
The book explains seven strategies to help women become a "Woman of Substance" and explains what help would be most effective to women on the highest end of the scale.
Another important factor that is discussed is the degree to which women fantasize about the man in their life. This is a good indicator as to their propensity to loose themselves in a relationship. The more you fantasize the less likely it is that the person to whom you are attached will ever fulfill your real needs and you are compromising yourself to be with that person.
Much of what I read in this book supported my previous reading but it drove home MY part in all the "relationships" I had ever had with men and the reasons for my own anger and lack of self. For every Narcissus there is an Echo. I wish I had read this book in my teens - it saddened me to think of what I have lost through not understanding myself, my needs and a love that is honest, safe and appropriate as opposed to that which I'm used to the obsessive, smothering, inappropriate variety.