Codependency - A Summary

Recovering From Codependency by Wendy Freebourne Codependency is an addiction to unhealthy, damaging, dysfunctional relationships. It is the effect of and the adaptation to growing up in a dysfunctional family, where relationships are unhealthy. Abuse In these families there may be physical and sexual abuse, there will certainly be emotional, psychological or spiritual abuse. These latter kinds of abuse can be far more subtle and difficult to detect and may not be considered to be abusive. Food, shelter, care and attention may be provided but there will be behaviour in family relationships that leads to denial of children's rights as separate, autonomous, healthy human beings. Codependents accept abuse as normal, not knowing anything else, or that their rights are being violated. Because dysfunctional family members do not take responsibility for their own abusive behaviour, children growing up in such families learn to take blame: they carry the projection of family denial of unresolved emotional issues. Shame Codependents feel other people's shame. Because they are made to feel 'bad' for the shameless behaviour of others, they grow up without self-worth or validation. They believe that they are at fault most of the time. Because they feel the rejection, isolation and abandonment of being different, they compromise, becoming alienated from themselves and even lonelier. They feel the shame of betraying themselves, of lying. Thus, they come to lead double lives. Codependents conduct their relationships dishonestly. They constantly feel guilty, trying to adapt themselves, trying to change others in order to make themselves feel 'good'. They are angry and resentful from trying to please, while simultaneously they are not so 'nice' to themselves. They feel guilty because their feelings are different from their actions, because they can neither be what others want them to be, nor can they be themselves. They easily take responsibility for the lives of others but do not take sufficient responsibility for their own. Boundaries Because their rights have been violated early on, codependents have weak identities and an unclear sense of self; they lack self-esteem. They easily merge their boundaries with others, which leads to inappropriate behaviour, in which the feelings of others are acted out, just as they were in their families-of-origin. In this way they repeat patterns. Process of recovery By helping codependents to ascertain and assert their rights, they can be taught how to protect themselves by making effective boundaries. As they become clearer about who they are and where they stand, they can make loving decisions that are appropriate. There is usually a 'bottoming out' before this happens. There is pain and anger, grieving and letting go. There is also a need for holding, which can be provided by anonymous groups and working a 12-Step programme. For some, more containment is necessary, provided by residential programmes and personal counselling. What is important is to find the courage, or the encouragement, to confront the past in order to heal it. Encouragement provided by those who have been there and come through is valuable. The Inner Child By reaching back into childhood, recovering codependents can retrieve their wounded inner child. They need to remember the feelings that are forgotten or denied, and feel them before they can forgive. They need to make amends for the pain they have caused themselves and others during the time of their ignorance. In this all feelings are validated; no judgements need be made. The past needs to be returned to again and again, but not dwelt in or acted out. It is a map for the present. Codependents need to respect their inner child, that part of them that knows what they need, is natural, unashamed and carries no guilt. In loving their inner child, grieving for what they didn't get and letting it go, they learn to parent themselves appropriately, becoming realistic about their present needs. Growing Up They build models of integrity by reclaiming the split-off parts of themselves, the parts that didn't fit in their codependent families. They learn to act with this integrity, remembering the harm they caused themselves and others when they didn't. They build appropriate models of authority, inner authority, because the inner child knows and has always known what is right and what is wrong, for them. They take responsibility for themselves, only; a responsibility which is joyful and free. They also learn to be appropriate in their sexuality. Higher Power  The recovering codependent learns that they have a Higher Power, a guiding force, and that their lives are sound. They feel an inner, personal power, and no longer fear a power or authority over them, which they can't control. They understand their own limitations, what they can change and what they can't. They no longer look to others to make them happy or have to become deeply involved in others' affairs to achieve this vicarious happiness. They have a sense that they are participating in their own lives and that what comes to them is what they need at any time. Lastly, they no longer feel lonely, because, having released the 'bad' and 'different' child, they are relating with their own true nature. Thus, finally, they realise their connection with all of human nature. Healing the Helper I learned codependency in my family. Some elements of my early training and therapy as a Psychotherapist were also shaming and abusive, to the extent that my trainers and therapists had not themselves resolved their issues around shame and codependency. Not all the tools I was given were effective. When I became aware there had been this abuse in my own family, my training and my therapy, I was able to gain an inner authority by understanding the patterns of codependency, including my own. I came to perceive that I was living in an addictive society where codependency was the norm, rather than the exception. The culture in which I grew up promotes, supports and condones it. I stopped blaming myself for the sickness in that society. Since then I have found my practice more effective. I do not collude with my clients compromising themselves in relationships; I can confront them with conviction, compassion and authority. I have less professional barriers and more protective boundaries than I originally learned. Thus I work more humanly and more quickly. I deal with addictive behaviour without labelling or judging. I also work with recovering addicts and alcoholics who are stuck because codependency underlies their primary addiction. They have ceased abusing substances but are still abusing themselves; and possibly others too. A short case history John is a recovering drug addict with related alcohol addiction. He started using at 13 and is now aged 22, having been in recovery for six months. He came to see me about his codependency because, being clean and dry, attending NA and AA, and working the 12-Step programme, and having been celibate for nearly one year, he has become involved in an unhealthy relationship. He has been attracted to a young woman who he knows to be healthy, but has been afraid to approach her, lacking self-esteem. Recently he met another woman, just entering recovery, became involved in her recovery and a potential sexual situation. He craved the sex on offer but felt it to be unhealthy, another drug for his pain. He also felt stressed by her dependency, which he had originally invited. It was at this point that he contacted me. We began to look at the underlying causes of his drug addiction, the low self-esteem that he had been feeling and the pain in his relationships with women, since the age of 13, that he was drugging, both of which still existed after he became clean. He identified his addiction to sex, knowing that an unhealthy relationship with this woman was less challenging than a healthy one, even though he was aware of the price he would have to pay. He chose to end the relationship and to continue his celibacy. He also chose to contact the healthy women in order to initiate the friendship that he wants in the first instance. We then started to look at abuse in his family-of-origin, demands made upon him, expectations of him. Although there was no overt sexual abuse, sexual behaviour was unhealthy in his family. He had been given codependent models, male and female, both inappropriate. We were able to work through the shame he was feeling but denying, to find clearer boundaries for who he now is able to feel himself to be, to start to encourage his inner child to become the man he is today and to live by his own, inner models and reality. In this he experiences the guilt of being different from his family, especially his father, but he is starting to find a firmer link with his peers. The work goes on