Boundaries

Various Insights on Boundaries:

Defunct Boundaries are Learned in Childhood

Our childhood conditioning, and the inherent lack of society's boundary awareness, were very responsible for our defunct boundaries.

As babies and young children we had no awareness of boundaries. This is why little babies love to be wrapped up tight in blankets or be cuddled, and can get very distressed when they aren’t. It helps them feel safe and secure. It provides the feeling of a boundary.

Let us explore some of the faultily learned boundary possibilities we acquired in our early years:

• If we suffered physical, emotional, mental or spiritual abuse from one or both parents or other siblings or role models, we learnt at an early age that it’s normal and familiar to say "Yes" to bad experiences.
• If we were chastised or suffered a withdrawal of love as a result of saying "No", we learnt that to be loved and accepted we must always say "Yes".
• If we were manipulated with guilt as a result of saying "No", we learnt it is shameful to say anything but "Yes".
• If we were forced to give up and share our possessions against our will, we learnt to say "Yes" to allowing others too much to the detriment of ourselves.
• If extreme behaviour such as ‘acting up’ was the only way to get attention, we learnt to get other people’s acknowledgement by attacking their boundaries.
• If judgment and suspicion prevailed, we learnt to distrust and close our door to good experiences.
• If the messages "you’re no good" or "you need my help" were received, we never learnt the power to create healthy boundaries by making decisions for ourself.
• If we internalised our parents’ irresponsible, immature, abusive or unloving behaviour, we learnt to say "Yes" to irresponsible, immature, abusive or unloving behaviour, and also to take responsibility for it.
• If we rebelled against our parents’ responsible and controlling behaviour, we learnt to fight authority and responsible structured individuals, and will rebel against them.
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Obviously, our boundary issues usually relate to unfinished business from our childhood.

The Steps Of Setting Boundaries

1. Pain of discomfort occurs.
   This signals a boundary violation.
2. Be prepared to observe and feel the feeling without reacting.
   This is the creation of the ‘gap’ in order not to revert to previous reactions and previous wounds. Then you are capable of dealing with the issue in a mature and empowered space in the present moment.
3. Realise no-one else is responsible for fixing your bad feeling. It’s your job.
   This is an essential part of the steps that keep you connected to your own power.
4. Connect to who you are (principle-centered identity) and what your truth is on the matter.
   Be prepared to calmly and clearly state and walk this truth. DO COURAGE!! State your truth as an ‘I’ statement – not a ‘You’ statement. Example: “I feel uncomfortable about doing that, so the answer is 'No'”, rather than saying “I can’t believe you’d expect me to do that.”
5. Detach from being connected to an individual or group validating your feelings or ‘getting’ where you are coming from.
   If you are reliant on another person for validating your feelings and understanding your point of view, your emotions and mental state will be dictated by this person. They don’t need to ‘get’ you. YOU need to ‘get’ you.
6. Detach from being connected to a particular outcome being created with that person or that situation.
   This is true identity assertion. It means you’re aware you have the power to create your truth (even if it takes time) regardless of what life deals you. This is the philosophy of aligning with durable long-lasting results. This point (number 6) grants you ultimate freedom, because you no longer give into quick-fix solutions that don’t stand the test of time.

1. Boundaries in relationships are necessities

I noted that some people have a real problem with this as if the idea of having some boundaries is an opportunity to cut off every guy before they’ve even been given a chance. It’s the whole ‘oh everybody makes mistakes’ mentality which is too narrow a view and also completely missing the point. Every relationship requires that you have boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. It’s not about making mistakes, which everyone does – it’s about understanding what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationships, and reflecting it in your relationships and your behaviour.

Also…it may be time to evaluate what your idea of a ‘mistake’ is because repetitive sums of actions which show a disrespect of you and the relationship, are not mistakes; they’re his character.

If you don’t believe in boundaries, you accept everything, and that’s your prerogative but it means that the problems that may arise are yours, not theirs and you don’t get to be ‘right’ and complain in an act of closing the door after the horse has bolted. Oh and when you have no boundaries, you tend to fish from murky ass clown pools so the incidence of being on the receiving end of ‘mistakes’ rises even higher…

2. Communication is not all verbal – boundaries are actually mostly taught through actions

As women, we often think that the solution to issues in our relationships lies in communicating through talking, which leads toWomen Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome – overtalking and overthinking to actually mask inaction.

One of the common concerns when people look at establishing boundaries is ‘But I don’t know what to say!’ If you have no boundaries, it’s likely that ‘saying’ something is not the sole answer to establishing boundaries – you need to be a woman of action. Likewise, we need to recognise that when we’re worrying about what we should have said, we miss the point of what the action teaches the other party.

I spoke with a reader this week who had rebuffed the advances of a male friend after a friendly dinner. She was still concerned about what she should have said at the time or beforehand in a preventative measure, but what she didn’t realise is that by turning him down, she established her boundary with him which is, you are my friend, I’m not interested in you romantically, please step back over the boundary lines. For the many that don’t have boundaries and who have found themselves in the same situation, not taking action has led to snogs and shags which are more often than not regretted. Which brings me to…

3. If you consistently act out of a healthy level of self love for yourself, you will naturally have boundaries – we teach people how to treat us

Boundaries are a difficult concept for some because it is unnatural to have boundaries because it is unnatural to treat themselves decently. What many women in relationships fail to realise is that you don’t treat yourself badly, think of yourself badly, and have lots of unhealthy ideas about relationships and then expect some guy to come blazing in on his horse and treat you decently and fill some gaping hole in your life.

If you don’t have decent levels of self-esteem, with positive attitudes about yourself, love, and relationships, you will welcome men that not only reflect the negatives, but who will use how you treat yourself and how you accept their behaviour as a guiding light on how to treat you.

There’s no point in saying ‘I am a woman of high self-esteem’ as you bemoan the behaviour of a man who is crossing your boundaries because if you’ve been letting poor relationship behaviour slide, it is an indicator that something is very wrong. If you were a woman of high self-esteem, or even average levels, you’d have shown the guy the door when it became apparent that the only way a relationship was going to happen with him is if he was allowed to cross the boundary lines on a permanent basis.

If you start treating yourself decently, it will not only become more natural to have boundaries, but it won’t kill you to act upon situations when they are crossed because you are connected with yourself and recognise when you feel good and bad. You’re not going to put yourself in an ongoing situation where someone detracts from your life and your self-esteem levels.

4. The core thread of boundaries and human behaviour within relationships is acceptance and rejection of behaviour

I have said many times before that establishing patterns of behaviour in relationships comes down to acceptance and rejection. If you don’t do one, you do the other.

When something happens in your relationship that crosses the boundary lines or nudges it, this is acting as a warning signal.

At this point, what you do with this warning signal is pivotal because it teaches the other party about how you will handle the situation and them in this instance, and it is likely to give an indicator of other things that you’re likely to accept.

If you reject the behaviour, the other party has 3 options:

Respect your boundaries and the fact that you don’t feel what they have done is appropriate and not repeat it again.

Opt out because it is apparent to them that if they can’t cross this boundary, the relationship is not going to work for them because you’re not the type of person that accepts poor behaviour – you have to realise that certain types of men NEED an all accepting woman and they move on to someone with lower self-esteem.

Pretend that they respect your boundaries…and then attempt to cross the boundary at a later point. You need to reject the behaviour every single time although the fact that they keep doing it is a signal that you need to opt out.

If you accept the behaviour that has crossed your boundaries (and keep accepting it and others that no doubt follow), regardless of what comes out of your mouth, you tell them that you’re OK with this behaviour and the boundary is not worth the mental piece of paper that is written on.

We spend too much time being obsessed with the overall act of being accepted as a person and avoiding rejection that we don’t see the wood for the trees because you’re more worried about him rejecting you and choosing someone else, than you are about what type of behaviour you’ve been deeming acceptable in your relationships.

What we also fail to realise, is that particularly with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns where many a woman has found herself feeling rejected by their failure to treat them decently and what that does and doesn’t mean, is that in the end, if you let your self-esteem prevail and reject their crappy offerings and boundary crossings, it’s YOU doing the rejecting, NOT them. Don’t get things twisted!

5. Even if you don’t have boundaries, believe it or not, he does.

Whilst an assclown or Mr Unavailable will get no brownie points for their relationship style, when they manage your expectations down by blowing hot and cold, or manipulate you into corners, it’s because they have boundaries of their own that they don’t want you crossing. Rightly or wrongly, they do have boundaries and their ‘my way or the highway mentality’ plus their tendency to pull passive aggressive strokes where they appear to be doing as you ask only to do exactly what they intended, combine to keep you inside their boundary lines.

In poor relationships we soon discover how we have to tow the line if we want them to stick around and not be scared off (even if they could do with being scared off). They may not be big on words, but as I’ve repeatedly said, actions speak way louder than words and this is how they maintain their boundaries.

His boundaries aren’t necessarily about values – in a poor relationship it is often about ensuring that you don’t want, need or expect too much of him. When you cross the line and start treating him like he’s your boyfriend, a signal goes up and he reacts to this. Cue disappearing act or whatever his modus operandi is. Ignoring you, disappearing on you, or letting you think that speaking your mind is a bad thing are all master strokes on their parts.

What we fail to realise is that if we had some boundaries of our own, we’d feel the conflict of being involved with them much quicker and register it for what it is and opt out.

This is what makes the whole idea of not needing boundaries redundant – if you don’t, the other person will, only you’ll have to be super adaptable and you can only play by their often shitty rules.

6. If people believe there is no consequence to their actions, they continue with their behaviour – there has to be consequences!

One of the biggest trappings of women is that we consistently reward shitty relationship behaviour with more I love you’s and demonstrations of our love and commitment to the relationship.

You can’t be rewarding bad with good constantly, especially when repeatedly doing this yields the same crappy results! At some point you have to recognise the madness in treating someone good after they consistently treat you bad and expecting a different, better result each time!

There has to be consequences – If someone thinks that there is no negative consequence to their crap behaviour, why would they stop? Why would they change? More importantly, if you’re not creating consequences, when do you get your signal to opt out? Even more importantly, why are there no consequences? I don’t mean pretend consequences where you repeatedly say you’re mad and done with him, but real ones where you say you’re mad, you recognise how inappropriate this is and way over your boundaries, and you actually cut him off.

It is not up to him to decide the fate of his own behaviour – it’s up to you. You can’t do the whole ‘If he doesn’t want to be around, why doesn’t he just leave? Why does he keep coming back?’ You need to be asking why you can’t end it and why you keep letting him come back when he persistently disrespects you.

7. NO is not a dirty word

Life…is not about saying yes all the time because saying yes to everything, again creates a lack of boundaries. Yes and No are opportunities to define your space and ensure that you put your welfare and best interests at heart. Many women don’t know how to say NO – that’s why they’re run ragged by work colleagues, family and friends who take advantage, and men who recognise that they don’t recognise themselves as entities to be respected.

People operate within the boundary lines that you set.

Yes it would be nice if we could all have a common code of conduct with the expectation that people will be respectful and not take advantage, but it’s your responsibility to set the boundaries of your relationships, not theirs. If people hear yes from you all the time, they after a while take it as a given that it’s a yes. You can’t complain after you’ve said yes a thousand times that they didn’t recognise that you may not want to be or do the thousand and oneth thing!

NO is a combination of actions and words. You don’t need to bellowing it at opportunity but if you don’t say it very often, you need to say it a hell of a lot more because if the reality is that by saying NO that the recipient of it will be uncomfortable around you and won’t want to play ball anymore, you know exactly where the land lies.

All of your adult relationships are a two way street. If people can’t hack that you say NO when their behaviour is inappropriate and can’t adjust to that, it is a sign that they are only comfortable with the relationship on their terms and where you get to be the agreeable, pliable one. Clearly, that can’t work and it’s not a very good indicator of how they see you.

8. Don’t use assumptions to drive your expectations of how others should behave

There’s a lot of reason why there is that saying about how making assumptions will make an ‘ass’ out of you – In speaking with many women over the last few years and reading the comments on this site, I see variations of this notion that we assume that because we think, feel, and act a certain way that the other person will do what we expect. This can feed into this idea that there are no boundaries necessary because surely the other party will do the right thing because they love you, care about you, are sleeping with you, or saying all of the right things?

Assumptions are not the same as expectations and you can’t have expectations of someone and a relationship without having boundaries.

Just as importantly though, you must sanity check your assumptions and expectations to unsure that you’re not under or over expecting…

Life is not a fairy tale. People don’t always do the right thing or even the thing that we expect. Yes it would be nice to assume and expect that everyone will play nice and be respectful within relationships, but there are too many factors that impact on a persons behaviour within a relationship to do this.

As women we find it far easier to deny the reality of someone’s behaviour, continue to make assumptions and expectations, and continue to let them cross boundaries or test them as we opt for dining off potential and being ‘optimistic’.

Claiming that you love, care, or want someone doesn’t give you an IOU to claim on and you cannot make assumptions or have expectations about someone who doesn’t have both feet in a relationship where there are no boundaries in place to ensure that you are not disrespected.

Assuming leads to uncommunicated expectations, which more often than not leads to boundary issues and this is because as discussed in part two, you are not communicating your boundaries, whether that is verbally or through actions.

Creating boundaries for your relationships leads to you being able to understand your expectations of a relationship.

Where there is one, there is the other. What is surprising though is that we love assuming and expecting without the boundaries in place to reflect our ‘ideals’…

If you look at it like this: If your boundaries are that you are only prepared to be involved with men who not attached to anyone else, who don’t disrespect you, who contribute to the relationship, who behave with honesty and integrity with you and others, and who don’t abuse you, drugs, alcohol etc, you not only will expect that a man will stay within these boundary lines but you won’t actually find yourself accepting the attention of a lying, cheat that has a penchant for coke… You’ll tell him to walk and keep walking.

9. When people disrespect your boundaries, it’s unlikely to be the once, so where one disrespect exists, there will be others.

This is why it’s important not to be short sighted and look at the overall picture. Instead of going – but he has some nice qualities or he’s great on his good days – it’s looking beyond the trees to the wood and saying – well most people have their good points but I cannot ignore the fact that he has done X, Y, and Z andthat does not work for me.

Say it with me – If my boundaries are being crossed, this does not work for me. I can fight it, I can demand that they comply, but if nothing changes, it does not work for me.

This is why it is important to distinguish between what iscompletely unacceptable and what constitutes a wake up and pay attention warning.

The former means you opt out straight away – these are your core boundaries that should not change.

The latter means that you are not only aware of a potential problembut that you address it to ensure that it’s not something bigger that leads to it being a no-go. These are like your warning lights on the way to the boundary zone that give you indicators.

There’s no point in him sharing the same interests as you (for eg skiing, drinking fine wine, great for debating politics with etc), if the guy is a frickin assclown that won’t commit, won’t grow up, isn’t sure what he wants with you, screws around on you, calls you names, and repeatedly disrespects you and the relationship.

I wouldn’t feel that my boundaries had been crossed if a guy wanted to split the bill on the date but I would feel my boundaries had been crossed if he didn’t turn up, or if he said that he would call in a few days, but instead I heard from him several weeks later talking to me like we’d just spoken the day before…

Stick with a guy like this and he’ll always feel he can breeze in and out of your life, and even if you bollock him and tell him he’s out of line, he eventually figures out what what the maximum amount of time is that he can get away with not calling and he’ll ride with that.

10. Having boundaries is not just about ensuring that people don’t disrespect you – It’s about ensuring that you don’t keep putting yourself in situations where YOU end up disrespecting YOU.

Boundaries act as a signal that says step back. Your core boundaries should be your deal breakers, your unacceptable’s, your red flag, abort mission, the I don’t care why my libido or what I think my heart says, I’ve got to get out…for me.

If I guy tried to be overtly sexual with me on a first date or made an attempt to sleep with me, a warning alert would go to my brain. If he persisted and wouldn’t drop it, the alert would turn into a boundary crossing and I knew it was game over no credits.

You need to know your limits. This is liking, loving, and trusting your instincts so that even in those times when you do start to get carried away, that your core values and foundations that drive your boundaries, give you a base to come home to roost on…and get real and stay real.

That negative voice you have at times has no bounds and will leave you indecisive as you become riddled with self-doubt so you just ride the wave and hope everything will pan out because you don’t have a basis to sanity check your instincts against. Don’t allow negativity to power your decisions because you will end up with a negative result.

A successful relationship is composed of two individuals - each with a clearly defined sense of her or his own identity. Without our own understanding of self, of who we are and what makes us unique, it is difficult to engage in the process of an ongoing relationship in a way that functions smoothly and enhances each of the partners. We need a sense of self in order to clearly communicate our needs and desires to our partner. When we have a strong conception of our own identity, we can appreciate and love those qualities in our partner that make him or her a unique person. When two people come together, each with a clear definition of her or his own individuality, the potential for intimacy and commitment can be astounding. The similarities between two people may bring them together, but their differences contribute to the growth, excitement and mystery of their relationship. One feature of a healthy sense of self is the way we understand and work with boundaries. Personal boundaries are the limits we set in relationships that allow us to protect our selves. Boundaries come from having a good sense of our own self-worth. They make it possible for us to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to take responsibility for what we think, feel and do. Boundaries allow us to rejoice in our own uniqueness. Intact boundaries are flexible - they allow us to get close to others when it is appropriate and to maintain our distance when we might be harmed by getting too close. Good boundaries protect us from abuse and pave the way to achieving true intimacy. They help us take care of ourselves. Many people are working longer hours and taking on more responsibilities just to "stay in place." Where one income used to support a family, now it usually takes two - and this has a major impact on the dynamics of raising a family. Unhealthy boundaries often emerge from dysfunctional family backgrounds. The needs of parents or other adults in a family are sometimes so overwhelming that the task of raising children is demoted to a secondary role, and dysfunction is the likely result. Consider the role of the father who screams at his children or becomes physically abusive with them as a way of dealing in a self-centered way with his own anger. His needs come first, and the needs of the children for safety, security, respect and comfort come second. What the children are likely to learn in this situation is that boundaries don't matter. As they grow up, they lack the support they need to form a healthy sense of their own identities. In fact, they may learn that if they want to get their way with others, they need to intrude on the boundaries of other people -just as their father did. They would likely grow up with fluid boundaries, which may lead to dysfunctional relationships later on in life. They would have a hazy sense of their own personal boundaries. Conversely, they may learn that rigid and inflexible boundaries might be the way to handle their relationships with other people. They wall themselves off in their relationships as a way of protecting themselves, and, as a consequence, may find it difficult to form close interpersonal bonds with others in adulthood. Here are some ways in which unhealthy boundaries may show themselves in our relationships, along with some remedies - Lack of a Sense of Identify       When we lack a sense of our own identity and the boundaries which protect us, we tend to draw our identities from our partner. We can't imagine who we would be without our relationship. We become willing to do anything it takes to make the relationship work, even if it means giving up our emotional security, friends, integrity, sense of self-respect, independence, or job. We may endure physical, emotional or sexual abuse just to save the relationship. The more rational alternative is to find out who we are and what makes us unique - and to rejoice in this discovery. Realize that your value and worth as a person are not necessarily dependent on having a significant other in your life, that you can function well as an independent person in your own right. When you move into accepting yourself, your relationships will actually have a chance to grow and flourish. This journey of self-discovery can be challenging - but highly rewarding. Working with a trained therapist can provide the structure and support needed to take on this task. Settling for Second Best       We may cling to the irrational belief that things are good enough in the relationship - that we feel a measure of security and that this is as good as it's likely to get. In the process, however, we give up the chance to explore our sense of fulfillment in life. We give up our own life dreams in order to maintain the security of a relationship. There is a feeling that if one of the partners grows and finds personal life fulfillment, the relationship would be damaged.       A healthy relationship is one in which our boundaries are strong enough, yet flexible enough, to allow us to flourish with our own uniqueness. There is a sense of respect on the part of both partners that allows each to live as full a life as possible and to explore their own personal potential. We don't have to give up ourselves for a relationship. Healthy boundaries allow trust and security to develop in a relationship. Over-Responsibility and Guilt       One characteristic of growing up in a dysfunctional household is that we may learn to feel guilty if we fail to ensure the success and happiness of other members of the household. Thus, in adulthood, we may come to feel responsible for our partner's failures. The guilt we feel when our partner fails may drive us to keep tearing down our personal boundaries so that we are always available to the other person. When we feel overly responsible for another person's life experiences, we deprive them of one of the most important features of an independent, healthy and mature life - the ability to make our own life choices and accept the consequences of our decisions.       A healthier response is to show our partners respect by allowing them to succeed or fail on their own terms. You, of course, can be there to comfort your partner when times become difficult, and you can rejoice together when success is the outcome. When boundaries are healthy, you are able to say, "I trust and respect you to make your own life choices. As my equal partner, I will not try to control you by taking away your choices in life." The Difference Between Love and Rescue       People who grow up in a dysfunctional family may fail to learn the difference between love and sympathy. Children growing up in these conditions may learn to have sympathy for the emotional crippling in their parents' lives and feel that the only time they get attention is when they show compassion for the parent. They feel that when they forgive, they are showing love. Actually, they are rescuing the parent and enabling abusive behavior to continue. They learn to give up their own protective boundaries in order to take care of the dysfunctioning parent. In adulthood, they carry these learned behaviors into their relationships. If they can rescue their partner, they feel that they are showing love. They get a warm, caring, sharing feeling from helping their partner - a feeling they call love. But this may actually encourage their partner to become needy and helpless. An imbalance can then occur in the relationship in which one partner becomes the rescuer and the other plays the role of the helpless victim. In this case, healthy boundaries which allow both partners to live complete lives are absent. Mature love requires the presence of healthy and flexible boundaries.       Sympathy and compassion are worthy qualities, but they are not to be confused with love, especially when boundaries have become distorted. Healthy boundaries lead to respect for the other and equality in a relationship, an appreciation for the aliveness and strength of the other person, and a mutual flow of feelings between the two partners - all features of mature love. When one partner is in control and the other is needy and helpless, there is no room for the normal give-and-take of a healthy relationship. Fantasy vs. Reality       Children from dysfunctional households often feel that things will get better someday, that a normal life may lie in the future. Indeed, some days things are fairly normal, but then the bad times return again. It's the normal days that encourage the fantasy that all problems in the family might someday be solved. When they grow up, these adults carry the same types of fantasy into their relationships. They may portray to others the myth that they have the perfect relationship - and they may believe, to themselves, that someday all of their relationship problems will somehow be solved. They ignore the abuse, manipulation, imbalance and control in the relationship. By ignoring the problems, they are unable to confront them - and the fantasy of a happier future never comes to pass. Unhealthy boundaries, where we collude with our partner in believing the myth that everything is fine, make it difficult to come to terms with the troubles of the relationship. "Good fences make good neighbors" - Robert Frost       Learning to have healthy boundaries is an exciting adventure, an exercise in personal liberation. It means coming to know ourselves and increasing our awareness of what we stand for. It also means self-acceptance and knowing that we are OK as we are and worthy of the good things in life. When two people with healthy boundaries enter into a relationship, they encourage wholeness, independence and a zest for life in their partner. They know that trust is possible and that the normal expected difficulties found in all relationships can be worked on constructively. They can find true intimacy as whole, complete and equal people. The journey to a sense of healthy identity is not always easy - but it need not be all that difficult. It often means letting go of some of our old misconceptions about the nature of the world. It means treating ourselves with respect and appreciating ourselves for what we really are. When we can do this for ourselves, we can take the same approach toward our partner - and then the true happiness and love that our relationship deserves can become a reality.

HEALTHY Feeling like your own person Feeling responsible for your own happiness Togetherness and separateness are Balanced Friendships exist outside of the relationship Focuses on the best qualities of both people Achieving intimacy without chemicals Open, honest and assertive communication Commitment to the partner Respecting the differences in the partner Accepting changes in the relationship Asking honestly for what is wanted Accepting endings

UNHEALTHY Feeling incomplete without your partner Relying on your partner for your happiness Too much or too little togetherness Inability to establish and maintain friendships with others Focuses on the worst qualities of the partners Using alcohol/drugs to reduce inhibitions and achieve a false sense of intimacy Game-playing, unwillingness to listen, manipulation Jealousy, relationship addiction or lack of commitment Blaming the partner for his or her own unique qualities Feeling that the relationship should always be the same Feeling unable to express what is wanted Unable to let go